Yuck Fou Funk Jood!

It is twenty-eight days until my second child will be a year old and I desperately need help. My name is Tracy Kiss, I am twenty-five years old and I am a junkie, a junk food junkie, a junk addict, and I am in a bad place right now. I am one greedy, selfish and over-active mother-stuffer, I feed my addiction daily and it’s cost me my hips!

Now before you start thinking the worst, let me paint you a little picture. I have a five year old daughter Millie and an eleven month old son Gabriele, my fiance Luca and I have been together for five years and I have been a vegetarian since the age of six. So obviously I eat very healthily, everything I cook is fresh, green, grows in the ground and smells like manure! I prefer to drink water instead of fizzy drinks and coffee, and I like to exercise and stay fit. My problem is my inner bitch, she loves cake, biscuits, chocolate, chinese take aways, indian, italian, mexican, everything that includes salt, sugar and grease basically.

Frequently My Fridge Is Possessed By Evil Junk

My Fridge Is Frequently Possessed By Evil Junk


I spend every meal time preparing fresh wholesome foods which I love, I’m actually one of those weedy geeks who loves the taste of watercress and brussels; but after each meal my inner bitch starts talking and before I know it my mouth is salivating and my hands are caressing a rock hard block of cold Cadbury’s dairy milk straight from the fridge. I’m like a moth to the flame, I don’t stand a chance once the chiller door opens, the bulb draws me in with it’s hypnotic flicker and my fingers find their way past the bags of salad and into the egg tray filled with hunks of orgasmic cocoa formations.

I bet you’re shouting at the screen “don’t bloody buy it then!” which I totally think is a great idea. But my fiance is also my greatest foe and he too has an inner bitch who apprehends our weekly shop and fills the trolley with junk. He loves his junk, as do I, and just as it’s unfair of him to bring the devils-nuggets into our home when I’m trying to quit junk, it’d also be unfair of me to deny him of what he likes to eat because everybody should have their own choices in life.

SO really what I’m trying to do here is not avoid buying junk, because that will never happen in this household, I can’t hide from it, I can’t escape it and everyday no matter where I go I know that I will come face to face with it; paying for petrol at the station, queuing for soya mince at the supermarket, flicking past the chinese on speed dial when I’m calling my parents, there really is no escaping it. So what are my choices now? I must FIGHT junk, look it square in the eye, stab it through the heart and then walk on with my head held high! So to speak.

And why today? Why make this change now? Because I need to. I can’t have my little monkey Gabriele turn a year old with a massive chocolate cake and candles and all of the family round, with the risk of me elbowing past my grandmother, knocking some toddlers to the floor and ploughing my face straight into the cake and never coming up for air until every sugartastic crumb is demolished. My inner bitch must be stopped, and I have twenty-eight days to prove to myself that I don’t need her, don’t want her and can live without her.

As Easter Sunday was two days ago our fridge is bursting with chocolate and I am as deep into my junk addiction as I could possibly be. There is nowhere further for me to fall, I’ve literally hit choc bottom and I have to come back up again. So today I do it.

Now this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could ‘visit’ a padded cell for the next twenty-nine days with just myself and my blackberry to contend with, but cold turkey is a dish best served warm… erm, I’m vegetarian what do I know!? So as I don’t have a psychiatrist, hypnotherapist or warden to hand keeping me on track then I am relying on you, my readers to have my back, keep my inner bitch in her place and keep my willpower brimming like an enthusiastic sperm-whale on redbull.

Therefore, my inexperienced self-appointed junk-fighting tactics are to view naughty foods as real life enemies, baddies, and villains. And what does every bad-guy need aside from a fluffy cat and leather suit? A fierce name of course! And what could be more fierce than swear words! This isn’t a question by the way, it’s a statement because swear words are quite clearly the baddest foundation stones supporting syntax.

Therefore, for the sole purpose of changing my perception of junk food I will rename each category of bad-guy with a suitable negative word which I will never say aloud in public, but instead use to communicate with my food telepathically in order to balance my chi:

Cake shall now be known as Cameltoe
Chocolate shall now be known as Cockrot
Biscuits shall now be known as Bastards
Sugar shall now be known as Scrote
Takeout shall now be known as Turd
Grease shall now be known as Gooch
Crisps shall now be known as Chode
Cookies shall now be known as Cocknuggets
Cakes shall now be known as Clit

Also, as I feel I should report back here on my progress each day, it’s probably helpful for me to invent a mentally-inspiring master teacher figure that I can answer to or I’d just look like I was talking to myself. So for the purpose of this quest, my imaginary master shall be known as Dr. Olive Branch and I will answer to her each and every day.

Oh jeez, I’m going to look like an utter fruit cake doing this, but please bare with me here. I am completely sane of mind, I just need to enforce some tactics to drag me out of my sugar binging and make me a healthier, happier person – hopefully before my son’s first birthday cake hits the plate!

Let the quest commence!

UPDATE: 02/04/13 Day 1 – 28 To Go

Hello Olive, I’m starting my food therapy with you today. I’m very excited, a little anxious so as not to fail from the starting blocks, and I’m hoping you’ll be nice to me. I’m also fantasising about melting a giant bar of cockrot slowly in my mouth right now.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Luca made me two slices of white toast with butter and a glass of water in bed – I know, pretty random right?
Lunch: I had a soya mince chilli con carne with brown rice and a green tea – it was amazeballs!
Dinner: I microwaved some jacket new-potatoes, salad and baked beans that were left over from yesterdays fry-up.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I’m feeling good Olive, I haven’t had any Cockrot or Scrote since yesterday and I’m determined to stay focused on being good.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s very angry right now. She’s snorting lines of cocoa, levitating and spinning her head backwards shouting “socolate” which I believe is the latin name for chocolate.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Day 1 Dinner: Potatoes, Salad & Beans

Day 1 Dinner: Potatoes, Salad & Beans

I like adding black pepper to beans, it gives my tongue a party; and when I microwave new potatoes it tastes a bit like chestnuts for the first few chews.

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

Thank you Olive.

UPDATE: 03/04/13 Day 2 – 27 To Go

Hello again Olive, nice to see you! I’ve been in my fridge seventeen times today and didn’t touch any Cockrot at all!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A bowl of porridge made with milk because it was cold this morning.
Lunch: Brown rice with courgette and broccoli so that I could have a workout.
Dinner: An amazing soya mince risotto with a slice of of wholemeal bread and butter.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I’m so proud that I haven’t had any junk food for a whole day now. It’s made me realise how much I used to snack and graze and nibble on Cockrot and Bastards several times a day, which individually doesn’t seem so bad, but when you put it altogether it’s possibly the equivalent of a main meal for additional calories per day. It’s hard going cold turkey, but in my mind I’m telling myself that every second, minute, hour and day that passes makes it easier to stay strong.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She really hates me right now. She thinks she can get her own way by filling my mouth with saliva when I walk past the sweet cupboard and fridge but I just swallow more instead!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Soya Mince Risotto

Day 2 Dinner: Soya Mince Risotto

I took the children to see mum today and she made me my favourite risotto for dinner which was out of this world and totally satisfying, normally I’d have a bar of Cockrot for afters but I had a green tea instead.

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

Cheers O.B, same time tomorrow yeh!

UPDATE: 04/04/13 Day 3 – 26 To Go

Hi Olive, you’ll be really proud of me today, Luca got a bag of kettle chodes from the petrol station which I’d normally have my mouth all over in 0.2 seconds flat because they truly are the best chodes in the whole world! But I didn’t have a single one, I didn’t even touch the reinforced foil (or is it cardboard?) expensive packaging that they come in. I looked it in the eye, watched it for a moment on the kitchen side and then walked away. And I feel really great for it. I don’t need chodes anymore Olive! Luca also had an Indian turd for dinner but I went to bed instead of staying up all night and snacking; I normally share some of Luca’s turd if I haven’t ordered my own, but I didn’t even have a nibble!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: I was in a bit of a hurry and had two slices of white toast with butter.
Lunch: I had a drooling healthy fry-up with grilled potato rosti, soya sausage, baked beans, raw cherry tomatoes, a slice of buttered white toast and some chestnut mushrooms.
Dinner: A green baby leaf salad with green pepper, cherry tomatoes and cucumber.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
My junk cravings are starting to subside a little. The sun is now shining outdoors and it makes me feel excited about summer being on it’s way and I’m looking and feeling good. I still have freedom with the food that I can eat as I’m not on a diet, I’m just avoiding junk and feeling so much better for it, I’m also finding toilet-time a lot easier and more unfilling!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s looking a bit knackered today, she’s twitching and hiding from the light. It looks like she’s gagging for some chode.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Lunch Day 3: A Veggie Fry-Up

Lunch Day 3: A Veggie Fry-Up

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

I actually love you Olive Branch!

UPDATE: 05/04/13 Day 4 – 25 To Go

Hi Olive, I’m really surprising myself by sticking to my no bastard regime. I thought it would have been so much harder than it is, but I guess I’ve never had anyone to answer to before which is why I’m lasting so well this time!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: I had two apples and a cup of green tea as I didn’t have long to eat and had left it too close to lunch.
Lunch: A huge plate of brown rice and green vegetables which was more of a dinner than a lunch, but it made up for my late breakfast and left me stuffed.
Dinner: Delicious boiled new potatoes, carrots, broccoli, a soya sausage, butter and brown sauce *drool*

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel great, I’m kind of pinching myself thinking that my cravings for scrote and cockrot would have sent me crazy by now, but the junk in my fridge and cupboards have remained untouched and I’ve never been able to walk away from it before knowing it was there. My opinion has always been ‘well I’ll just eat what’s here and then I won’t buy anymore and I’ll start being healthy tomorrow’ but it never happened, until now. I feel really strong, my willpower is rock hard and the thought of gooch no longer makes me drool, I feel good.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s calling child line on me, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 4: New potatoes, carrots, broccoli and a soya sausage

Dinner Day 4: New potatoes, carrots, broccoli and a soya sausage

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
One love Branchie 😉 x

UPDATE: 06/04/13 Day 4 – 24 To Go

Hey Olive, how’s it hanging?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Spinach, baked beans, potato rosti, mushrooms and plum tomatoes at my mum’s house, yummm!
Lunch: A salad sandwich in wholemeal toast.
Dinner: Roast new potatoes, carrots, cabbage, parsnip, onion gravy and a soya sausage! Boom!

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel like a bit of a cheat today, I’m not entirely sure if my willpower is working or just shifting towards another vice. So I’ve avoided my cockrot, turds, scrote and bastards but instead I had a massive out-of-this-world binge out last night on everything savoury; which I might add was all homemade and low in fat, there was absolutely no gooch involved.

First I started with poppadoms which I microwaved instead of frying, then some popcorn which I popped on the stove with salt instead of scrote. Then I had some cheddar and crackers without butter which was pow-pow-wow, some dry-roast peanuts and finally half a loaf of white bloomer bread and butter, and if I’m entirely honest and in the firing line right now, I’d like to admit that I would have eaten more but held myself back. I’m sorry Olive, please don’t hit me but there was no sweetness involved.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s smirking at me Olive, like she’s changed me from an alcoholic to a crackhead and I’m still under her spell. She says sweet to savoury is still junk food but I had my fingers in my ears and said blah-blah-blah and acted like I couldn’t hear her! Bitch-aholic or what!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 4: Roast New Potatoes, Parsnip, Carrots, Cabbage & Soya Sausage

Dinner Day 4: Roast New Potatoes, Parsnip, Carrots, Cabbage, Onion Gravy & Soya Sausage

Dinner gave my mouth a pool party filled with saliva and hot little veggies wearing budgie smugglers. It filled me right up and left me content.

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

Laters O.B.

UPDATE: 07/04/13 Day 5 – 23 To Go

Olive, I’m sorry… last night I ate a handful of Luca’s leftover kettle chodes and a cockrot easter egg from the fridge 🙁 I don’t know what came over me, it was late a night, the lights were dim, I was sleepy… It could have happened to anyone, I was caught unaware and vulnerable to the scrotes all around me calling my name. And Luca didn’t stop me, he didn’t prize the cockrot from my hands and slap me around the face, he just joined in!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Brown rice and baby leaf bistro salad.
Lunch: Brown rice with a red pepper, potato and carrot puree.
Dinner: Spinach and ricotta pastry with roasted Mediterranean vegetables.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel awful O.B, the rock hard cold cockrot reeled me in with promises of desire but it left me feeling down and dissatisfied. I shouldn’t have strayed from the path of godliness but man was not born without sin. This forbidden episode has taught me bingeing isn’t beautiful, it’s crap and I don’t need it in my life anymore. I was doing so well to have lasted four days, and that’s something I’ve never managed before, but now I know I can do this.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s panting breathless in bed, blowing smoke rings from her cigarette and smirking; you scrote slut you!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Day 5 Breakfast: Brown Rice And Baby Leaf Bistro Salad

Day 5 Breakfast: Brown Rice And Baby Leaf Bistro Salad

I will make up for my downfall today Olive, my breakfast had absolutely no scrote content at all, I can fix this!

UPDATE: 08/04/13 Day 6 – 22 To Go

Olive, love, pour some ice on your burning face before you catch fire, it’s really not safe to be so angry. I know that today was a complete and utter write-off! But it’s the Easter holidays and my routine has been thrown out of the window! I know that having cocknuggets for breakfast at 3pm isn’t normal, I realise this and I accept it and I recognise that today was unlike any other.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A plate of homemade cocknuggets and clits.
Lunch: A box of cheese and chive twists.
Dinner: An arborio rice risotto with courgette, carrot and broccoli.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I am so filled with scrote right now my right eye is twitching. I know that I’ve failed, but I also know that I have a problem and that’s why I came to you. I was hardly home at all yesterday, I didn’t stop racing around until I walked through the from door after 10pm so it’s only fair to say that this isn’t my typical eating habit at all.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She says you can put a deposit down on that speedboat you wanted with the money you’ll earn from my repeat therapy custom. What a cow!!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Breakfast Day 5: Cocknuggets And Clits

Breakfast Day 6: Cocknuggets And Clits

I can’t say they were too good for me, but the cocknuggets sure tasted good!

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

I’m sorry Olive… I’ll punish myself accordingly.

UPDATE: 09/04/13 Day 7 – 21 To Go

Hello Miss.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Porridge oats with water – it tastes worse that disgusting, it’s lumpy, cold and strangely metallic and bitter on the tongue, but punishment is never fun is it?
Lunch: A bowl of carrot and red lentil soup.
Dinner: A green salad.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I’m determined to made amends with my food demons Olive. I can steer this train back on track, just you wait and see!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s sitting on her smug throne being a neighsayer with a plate of clits on her lap.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Breakfast Day 7: Porridge Oats & Water

Breakfast Day 7: Porridge Oats & Water

It’s utterly vile and tastes like prison food gone wrong. Or so I’d imagine?

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

UPDATE: 10/04/13 Day 8 – 20 To Go

Hey O.B, whassup?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A bowl of carrot and red lentil soup.
Lunch: Jacket potatoes, baked camembert cheese, beetroot, red onion, cherry tomatoes and baby leaf salad.
Dinner: A soya mince shepherd’s pie with greens.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel bloated and stuffy, I really need a junk detox and to feel fresh and healthy again but my cocknugget and clit binge out sent me backwards and I’m feeling the comedown from it now. Another couple of days of eating properly and I know I’ll be on top of the world with energy! I must stay strong!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s looking a bit tired and growling through her teeth at me, what’s the matter love? Not feeling too good? Ha!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Day 8 Lunch: Jacket Potato, Baked Camembert  Cheese, Beetroot, Red Onion, Cherry Tomatoes & Baby Leaf Salad

Day 8 Lunch: Jacket Potatoes, Baked Camembert Cheese, Beetroot, Red Onion, Cherry Tomatoes & Baby Leaf Salad

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

Tata O.B!

UPDATE: 11/04/13 Day 9 – 19 To Go

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A bowl of porridge with water – it still tastes like sucking on a bolt.
Lunch: A cheese and tomato sandwich on wholemeal bread.
Dinner: My signature soya mince lasagna with a side salad and chips. Oh. My. Gosh! *drools*

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel good today Olive, I’ve eaten a good amount of food as always, I’m not on a diet so it doesn’t affect my ability to enjoy my food I’m just cutting out the worst kinds of junk and ridding myself of scrote and gooch and it’s paying off. I have more energy and I feel fresh. I’m smiling as I write this and I have no idea why, ha!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s a stroppy old salami right now and says she’s not my friend anymore. Screw you inner bitch, if you throw your toys out of the pram it’s your own lookout!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 9: Soya Mince Lasagne With A Side Salad & Chips

Dinner Day 9: Soya Mince Lasagne With A Side Salad & Chips

Just looking at this picture makes my mouth water!

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
One love Branchie!

UPDATE: 12/04/13 Day 10 – 18 To Go

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Brown rice and cumin seeds.
Lunch: Red lentil, chilli, sage and carrot soup.
Dinner: Margarita pizza and chips.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Fulfilled, I’ve had some really tasty meals today and turned down Luca’s chode when he tried to tempt me on the sofa this evening. I look at snacks on a take-it-or-leave-it basis now and I weigh up my options before eating; I think to myself is it worth the wasted calories for just one bite? Sometimes I think hell yeh and I chew straight through the packaging, and other times I’m able to limit myself now and just have one nibble or none at all as I can define a limit and stick to it. After all, a little of what you fancy does you good, just as long as it’s not everyday. Right? Mmm… cocknuggets….

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s having a love hate relationship with me right now, she thinks we might be secretly married. She jumps hoops when I eat clit and cockrot but is left feeling disappointed when it doesn’t last long. I tried to explain to her that I will always love food but I have to limit myself or I’ll be forever smothered in bastard. She doesn’t seem to understand, but I’m hoping one day we’ll have a happy marriage.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Day 10 Lunch: Red Lentil, Chilli, Sage & Carrot Soup

Day 10 Lunch: Red Lentil, Chilli, Sage & Carrot Soup

I actually can’t stop eating my homemade soups, they fill my tummy with love!

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

In a while crocodile!

UPDATE: 13/04/13 Day 11 – 17 To Go

Hey my love, la la la love you Olive oil.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: I had my disgusting water and porridge.
Lunch: Cheddar, cherry tomatoes and red onion on wholemeal toast.
Dinner: Curried onion sauce and boiled white rice.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel really good. I’m having a little of what I fancy and it’s so far stopping me from feeling like I’m punishing myself. Aside from my bowl of rust-tasting porridge first thing in the morning, it really made me appreciate my mouthwatering lunch. It’s all about striking a happy balance Olive, I see that now and no clit, cockrot or bastard will get in the way of my goal now!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s worried. I can hear her hammering planks of wood to the inside of her front door.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Lunch Day x: Cheddar, Cherry Tomatoes & Red Onion On Wholemeal Toast

Lunch Day 11: Cheddar, Cherry Tomatoes & Red Onion On Wholemeal Toast

This is my guilty pleasure, it’s like eating pizza almost but not!

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Cheers big ears!

UPDATE: 14/04/13 Day 12 – 16 To Go

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Two slices of white toast and butter.
Lunch: A bowl of tomato pasta shells with basil.
Dinner: Soya mine chilli con carne with boiled white rice and cheddar.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Olive, I ate at my mums house today and she cooked me one of my all time favourite dinners ever, chilli con carne and Oh. Em. Gee. It was good.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She can’t speak right now, she’s saving all of her energy to glare at me.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 12: Chilli Con Carne With Boiled White Rice & Cheddar

Dinner Day 12: Chilli Con Carne With Boiled White Rice & Cheddar

This is the food of champions!

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

Tata O.B!

UPDATE: 15/04/13 Day 13 – 15 To Go

Branch patrol! How do you roll?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Potato rosti, chestnut mushrooms, spinach, cherry tomatoes and baked beans.
Lunch: A bowl of homemade pea and parsnip soup with wholemeal bread.
Dinner: A margarita pizza with garlic bread and baby leaf salad.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I’ve had a bit of a treat day today with some nice din dins and a saliva-party breakfast but there is not a scrap of cockrot in sight. I’m not going to deny myself flavour and variety of food, but instead I’m counting today as my little carby treat day as I fend off the scrotes!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She says I’m off of her Christmas card list but I don’t really care!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Breakfast Day 12: Potato Rosti, Chestnut Mushrooms, Spinach, Cherry Tomatoes & Baked Beans

Breakfast Day 13: Potato Rosti, Chestnut Mushrooms, Spinach, Cherry Tomatoes & Baked Beans

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Respect!

UPDATE: 16/04/13 Day 14 – 14 To Go

Hey O.B how’s it hanging?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Two apples and a glass of full fat milk.
Lunch: A jacket potato with cheddar and baby leaf salad.
Dinner: Baby leaf salad, brown rice and red lentils.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel strong, powerful and in control. The cocknuggets have flown my nest and my body is looking and feeling good. I just have to stay on the same positive path and not fall into a pile of chodes again.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s gone to see her doctor, I don’t think she’s feeling too well bless her! Must be her scrote withdrawal ha!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 14: Salad, Brown Rice & Red Lentils

Dinner Day 14: Baby Leaf Salad, Brown Rice & Red Lentils

Hot rice over cold salad is delish!

“Interesting. Now be gone.”

UPDATE: 17/04/13 Day 15 – 13 To Go

Greetings Branchie B.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Weetabix and full fat milk.
Lunch: A cheese toastie.
Dinner: Mashed potato with a garlic, cauliflower and Leek cheese sauce and a soya sausage.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Really good O.B, my dinner was so good today, you can’t beat a bit of nice cheesy saucy cauliflower and mash. Oh wow, I’m dribbling over it now still, it’s like a party for my taste buds and my tongue is free willy – splash around merrrr!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s crying over her lack of clit action, I gave her a tissue and told her to man up.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 17: Mashed Potato With A Garlic, Cauliflower & Leek Cheese Sauce & A Soya Sausage.

Dinner Day 17: Mashed Potato With A Garlic, Cauliflower & Leek Cheese Sauce & A Soya Sausage.

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Au revoir!

UPDATE: 18/04/13 Day 16 – 12 To Go

Yo yo yo, O.B in the house!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Two slices of wholemeal toast with butter.
Lunch: A bowl of pea soup.
Dinner: A split yellow lentil and courgette curry with cumin infused white rice and a coriander and garlic naan bread.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I am loving my food party today. What a treat it’s been and my curry was to die for, you don’t need cockrot when you’ve got a decent curry filling your chops instead. If there was a path named ‘No Scrotes’ then I would be on it right now, hopscotching all the way. I think I’ve really mastered my ability to divert myself from junk food and it’s all because of you Olive. You my dear are my saviour!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s blowing smoke rings from her nostrils… without a cigarette! Go hard or go home biznitch!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Currry

Dinner Day 18:A Split Yellow Lentil And Courgette Curry With Cumin Infused White Rice And A Coriander And Garlic Naan Bread

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Mwah!

UPDATE: 19/04/13 Day 17 – 11 To Go

O to the B how are ye? Alright, yeh?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A croissant and a glass of full fat milk.
Lunch: Curried mung beans and ginger with a baby leaf salad.
Dinner: Tomato, onion and garlic cous cous.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I had such a yummy lunch of mung beans that kind of turned into a dinner really so I had a little plate of cous cous in the evening to balance it all out. I love my relationship with food and not junk, I’ve had an epiphany in life now and I see that I do not need cocknuggets to survive anymore!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s almost snuffed it. Just wait a while longer to make sure…

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Lunch Day 17: Curried Mung Beans And Ginger With Baby Leaf Salad

Lunch Day 17: Curried Mung Bean And Ginger With Baby Leaf Salad

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Cheerio!

UPDATE: 20/04/13 Day 18 – 10 To Go

Evening Branchie.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Was a little late.
Lunch: Was a little early – for brunch I had a jacket potato with cherry tomatoes and a baby leaf salad.
Dinner: Roast potatoes, onion gravy, cabbage, carrots and a soya sausage.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Fantabulous thank you very much. My relationship with good food is blossoming and there’s not an ounce of gooch in sight anymore. Who would have thought this time last month I’d have been able to say no to cocknuggets!? I can’t believe it!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She says she’s taking me to court for neglect so I elephant-taped her mouth shut and closed the curtains and the police can’t see.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Brunch Day 18: Jacket Postato, Cherry Tomatoes & Baby Leaf Salad

Brunch Day 18: Jacket Postato, Cherry Tomatoes & Baby Leaf Salad

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
As you wish.

UPDATE: 21/04/13 Day 19 – 9 To Go

Top of the morning to you O.B.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A bowl of porridge and full fat milk.
Lunch: Two slices of white bread and baked beans.
Dinner: Mixed vegetables in a Malaysian curry sauce with white boiled rice.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Yeh, I’m really good thanks. I’m eating well and keeping active and I think I’m over this whole junk food phase now that’s lasted several years. If you are what you eat then I’m definitely no longer a bastard!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s trying to spit at me from her cage but it’s ok, I’m wearing aviators. 🙂

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 20: Mixed Vegetables In A Malaysian Curry Sauce With White Rice

Dinner Day 19: Mixed Vegetables In A Malaysian Curry Sauce With White Rice

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
In a while crocodile!

UPDATE: 22/04/13 Day 20 – 8 To Go

Howdy Olive, you’re looking lovely have you changed your hair?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
I was in hospital having breast surgery today so I’ve been on a food and liquids ban since last night and I’m starving. As it’s unsafe to consume anything before going under anaesthetic I managed to have a little sandwich in bed this evening after coming out of theatre and surprisingly it was really filling!

Breakfast: – Food Ban –
Lunch: – Food Ban –
Dinner: A cheese, tomato and salad wholegrain sandwich with a glass of orange juice.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Having my food ban has helped to give me a bit of a shake up and realise the foods that I do and don’t need. It’s like having a detox and starting a fresh page again and I feel really good. I also didn’t really have the chance to think about junk food as the hospital menu was limited to salads, sandwiches and fruit so up yours scrote!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
When I got out of my hospital bed all fresh and healthy to return home my inner bitch got in! That’s right, you have a little sleep, you must be suffering without your chode you poor thing.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day x: Cheese, Tomato & Salad Sandwich On Wholegrain Bread With A Glass Of Orange Juice

Dinner Day 20: Cheese, Tomato & Salad Sandwich On Wholegrain Bread With A Glass Of Orange Juice

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
It might take me a while to leave today Ol, I’m a bit bandaged and covered in blood.

UPDATE: 23/04/13 Day 21 – 7 To Go

Hello my dear, excuse me whilst I shuffle along and anchor myself down here, I’m a little unsteady on my feet from being in bed all day.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A croissant, muffin, bowl of fruit and a glass of apple juice in hospital.
Lunch: A take-out cup of spiced tomato and cumin soup on the train journey home.
Dinner: A bowl of potato and leek soup my mum had left in the fridge for me now that I can’t cook!

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I’m tender after surgery but glad to be home. As I can’t lift anything cooking is impossible for me right now so I’m taking full advantage of family members visiting me to get them into the kitchen and rustle up some food to keep in the fridge for later. As I had a 33 hour food ban before my surgery – my surgery was delayed due to complications and I didn’t eat for a lot longer than expected – my stomach is now feeling a lot smaller than usual and easier to fill. I’m still getting used to eating again and feeding myself with my feeble arms and the medication makes me feel weak but I’ve not even sniffed any cockrot for days.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She thinks I should change the grapes in my fridge for some clit instead, but I’m happy just laying here drugged up and smiling.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Breakfast Day 21: A Croissant, A Muffin, A Bowl Of Fruit & A Glass Of Apple Juice

Breakfast Day x: A Croissant, A Muffin, A Bowl Of Fruit & A Glass Of Apple Juice

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Toodles noodles!

UPDATE: 24/04/13 Day 22 – 6 To Go

Howdy O.B!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Two apples and a rice cake.
Lunch: Cheese stuffed herby portobello mushrooms and a baby leaf salad.
Dinner: Yellow rice, tomatoes and oven baked chips.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Spanktaculous Olive! My mushrooms were to die for and tasted out of this world. I’m loving flavour right now and it’s such a treat to spice things up and have something I haven’t eaten in ages. There is pure health running through my veins right now, I’m pretty sure my blood would be green if I cut myself.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s choking on some salad and bulk buying cockrot on eBay as we speak!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Lunch Day 22: Cheese Stuffed Herby Portobello Mushrooms And Baby Leaf Salad

Lunch Day 22: Cheese Stuffed Herby Portobello Mushrooms And Baby Leaf Salad

 

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Very well.

UPDATE: 25/04/13 Day 23 – 5 To Go

Oh what a beautiful mornnnning, oh what a  beautiful day, O.B is keeping me healthhhhy, everything’s going my way!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A bowl of porridge with full fat milk.
Lunch: A cheddar and pickle sandwich on brown bread.
Dinner: A mung bean curry and boiled white rice.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Like a spring lamb! Springing around and smiling out of my shiny little rubber pink lips at all the other lambs in the field of healthy living. I don’t need no bastards, the chode is nowhere in sight, the cockrot can stay in the cupboard and my dinner tasted so right!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s very much the black sheep of my healthy living lamb field, she’s put on a scream mask and attempting to scare all the others away. I also saw her stamp in a sloshy puddle, I suspect it may be lambs wee. Err.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day x: Mung Bean Curry And Boiled White Rice

Dinner Day 23: Mung Bean Curry And Boiled White Rice

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
*Poof* Ooh where did she go? Nobody knows! Only me, cus I’m sitting here typing this… Obviously.

UPDATE: 26/04/13 Day 24 – 4 To Go

Morning Oli-Oli-Oli Oi-Oi-Oi!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A bowl of porridge with full fat milk.
Lunch: A  bowl of pea and carrot soup.
Dinner: A jacket potato and baby leaf salad.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I actually love porridge, even though you’re probably looking at it thinking it’s some sloppy white stuff it’s delicious and warming on a chilly wet morning. See Olive, that means my eating habits have changed.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She says “Juck fou fealthly hood!”

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Breakfast Day 23: A Bowl Of Porridge With Full Fat Milk

Breakfast Day 23: A Bowl Of Porridge With Full Fat Milk

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Ta-ra chuck!

UPDATE: 27/04/13 Day 25 – 3 To Go

How’s it hanging Branchie?

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Two weetabix with full fat milk.
Lunch: A tomato, mozzarella and green pesto panini.
Dinner: Soya sausage, mashed potatoes, broccoli, carrot and onion gravy.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
I feel great, I’m not punished for the food that I am eating as I have meals that I love without the guilt of bulking out by eating junk. It’s certainly become more of a lifestyle change for me than a sudden denial of cockrot and clit. And now when I see Luca eating junk I can honestly take it or leave it, I’m no longer gagging for it with it being the only thing I can think about, instead I look at junk and think I really don’t need it and eating it doesn’t do anything for me anymore. I think I’m recovering Olive :).

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s wearing a knackered old night dress and doing that hilarious levitation thing again shouting “Ego venor down cogunt vos scelerisque vobis cibos tuos oculos usque dirumpet!” which if I’m not mistaken, is Latin for “I will hunt you down and force feed you chocolate until your eyes burst!” Bless, she’s getting good at being bilingual now!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 25: Soya Sausage, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli, Carrot & Onion Gravy

Dinner Day 25: Soya Sausage, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli, Carrot & Onion Gravy

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
One love!

UPDATE: 28/04/13 Day 26 – 2 To Go

Howdy branch-ner!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Grilled cherry tomatoes, mushrooms and spinach.
Lunch: Tomato and cumin spiced soup with double cream, soda bread and real butter
Dinner: Veggie burger, poppy seed white bread roll, fried red onions and brown sauce.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Even though I’ve had a tipple of bread today with lunch and dinner it’s probably amounted to the same as a couple of sandwiches, which in my school days I would have eaten every day of the week with toast for breakfast! I don’t see a need to cut out bread from my diet because like every good doctor says about food groups, a little of everything is fine in moderation. In the past the bastards were out of moderation and the gooch was out of control, but now I’ve mastered my demons and I’m feeling all the more confident for it.

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She just wrapped her long rubbery tongue twice around her face before saying “Tracy insulam cocknuggets sunt enim vestra benignitate desideria, convivium mecum in paradiso!” which I believe translates to “Tracy the island of cocknuggets are bountiful for your desires, feast with me in paradise!” hmm… I’ve actually already planned to watch The Walking Dead on catchup tonight… awkward!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Lunch Day 26: Tomato And Cumin Spiced Soup With Double Cream, Soda Bread And Real Butter

Lunch Day 26: Tomato And Cumin Soup With Double Cream, Soda Bread And Real Butter

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Until tomorrow my imaginative love… x

UPDATE: 29/04/13 Day 27 – 1 To Go

Greetings my Intestine Queen.

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: A hearty bowl of porridge with full fat milk.
Lunch: A salad, roast pepper and spiced mixed bean wrap.
Dinner: Jacket potatoes with cucumber, cheddar, cherry tomatoes, red onion and baby leaf salad.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Oh my goshness, my food intake today was so scrummy I literally had a party with my taste buds the whole day through. Each bite I took today was followed by a cheerful little hum of Oooh, Mmmm, Yummm which would have won me an Oscar or at least a Golden Globe if I hadn’t have meant it. But I don’t say (or sound out) things that I don’t mean, so no awards for me Olive, just wholesome delicious food and a huge smile on my face. Cockrot? Who needs cockrot? Not me!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
“Junk manducat mater tua!” ….your mother eats junk!? Oh hell no, tell me she didn’t just talk about my mumma in Latin! That little inner bitch is about to become an outer bitch right now!

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Dinner Day 27: Jacket Potatoes With Cucumber, Cheddar, Cherry Tomatoes, Red Onion And Baby Leaf Salad

Dinner Day 27: Jacket Potatoes With Cucumber, Cheddar, Cherry Tomatoes, Red Onion And Baby Leaf Salad

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Adios!

UPDATE: 30/04/13 Day 28 – Final Day!

“Tracy what did you eat today?”
Breakfast: Two gala apples and a glass of orange juice.
Lunch: Vegetarian pizza, chips and baby leaf salad.
Dinner: Boiled white rice with a red onion and chestnut mushroom curried sauce and one poppadom.

“Tracy how do you feel?”
Luca tried to tempt me with his Chinese turd today and I gallantly resisted in favour of making a healthier version for myself at home, without the high grease or scrote content. It was also our little Gabriele’s first birthday and his pirate-themed birthday-cameltoe was delicious, I only had a little nibble in celebration of the final day of my therapy with you Olive. Like an alcoholic sniffing a neat whiskey, I rimmed the hell out of that cameltoe with my nostrils, had a little nibble and then backed away. There was no face-smashing into Victoria sponge on our little boys big day as I’d feared only one month ago at the height of my junk addiction, instead I was calm, collected, dignified and controlled in the midst of cockrot, scrote, bastards and cameltoe. Look how far I’ve come Olive, you’ve saved me!

“Tracy what is your inner bitch saying?”
She’s got her face pressed up against the window of a steam-train at the end of the back garden, I can see a red leather long-weekend case on her lap and I think she’s actually crying. If I’ve lip-read correctly I believe she just said “Pedicabo ego vos non Junk cibum, ut unum modo tessera ad inferos placet!” which could possibly mean “fuck you non-junk food, a one way ticket back to hell please!” in Latin, she really does sound so beautiful when she speaks in a foreign tongue.

“Show me a picture of the goodness you have gained today.”

Lunch Day 28: Vegetarian Pizza, Chips & Baby Leaf Salad

Lunch Day 28: Vegetarian Pizza, Chips & Baby Leaf Salad

“Interesting. Now be gone.”
Olive Branch, or should I say you, my amazing readers, you have helped me to conquer my junk demons and I am a healthier and more controlled person because of it. This blog was about changing one small part of daily life to greatly benefit my future and health. Instead of killing myself at the gym sweating for hours on the treadmill to only shed a few calories after my most recent junk-binge, I decided to manage my daily food intake instead so that I could live a life of the foods that I enjoy without the need to feel guilty or excessively exercise.

Each day across this month gradually became easier, the cravings faded and now I can actually take or leave junk! I never thought I’d ever be able to say that, my willpower is literally through the roof and sitting in a tree having tea with some bluetits right now. And the best part of it all is it didn’t cost me anything, just determination and the willingness to change. And the derogatory words I used in favour of the varying items of junk food made it a fun and enjoyable experience, highlighting the negativity of things I no longer needed in my life so that I could draw a line in the sand and move on.

From my experience of quitting junk food and succeeding I know that you too can do the same. Whether it’s smoking, gambling, drugs or everything and anything in between, nothing is impossible and I’ve proven it right here for you. Together we are stronger and I am here for you every step of the way. So tell me what you’re quitting, keep me up to date and let’s do over your inner bitch or bastard together!

Thank you for joining me on my quest to cut out junk food. What does the future have in store for my inner bitch? Only time will tell!

About author View all posts Author website

Tracy Kiss

Hello and welcome! I'm a 29yr old PR Friendly blogger, model and TV personality from London England, vegan and a single parent to my two wonderful children.

So, What Do You Think About This?