Well doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? This past month has literally flashed before my eyes and I feel as though I’ve finally adjusted to what has now become the ‘norm’ for me. Just me and the children, in the house, with the cat and the dog and a whole load of time to fill. And it’s strangely not until you lose somebody that you realise that you begin to find yourself again.
I’ve been keeping myself busy, as always, old habits die hard I guess! And with every day that passes it becomes that little bit easier. It may seem strange to say, but I feel like I’ve had amnesia, when I try to think of my ex’s face I can no longer picture him, I can’t remember his voice or smell him because nothing of his is here anymore, and I no longer expect to open a door and see him sitting around. I don’t think of him anymore, I don’t feel anything towards him anymore, it’s as if the last five years never existed. The familiarity of him being around is now a distant memory and it’s a relief to realise he just slipped out of my head and there’s no more thinking and trying to make sense of what went wrong, I’ve just let go and I’m happy again. So I must either have a memory like a goldfish or the innate ability to erase the past through mind over matter. But I believe in order to move forward in life you have to let go of yesterday, of the hurt and pain and bad feelings and live for the here and now, look to the future and make your own security once more. The children are my drive in life and I will never stop climbing higher.
After the wedding last week Millie has gone to stay with some family as a mini summer break during the holidays and it’s the first time in almost six years that she’s been away from me for more than a couple of days or an overnight stay. I know that it can’t have been easy on her recently, and being away and playing with her cousins means that she can forget all of the upset of the past month and just be a happy little girl again. No matter how hard you try to protect children from a separation they’re so much smarter than you think and they know exactly what’s going on. When Millie handed me a tissue as I sobbed on the stairs a few weeks ago it broke my heart to think that she saw me in such a way and how kind she was to help me. It shouldn’t have to be like that, but sadly what’s done is done and now when she comes back at the end of her little break she’ll have her mummy back too!
The animals have been behaving weird recently, coming up to me for more fuss and attention than usual, as has Gabriele. Instead of him throwing toys around and pulling things out he’s strangely trying to help me by putting rubbish in the bin, stacking his toys and even trying to wash himself. Gabriele stayed overnight with some relatives and for the first time ever I was completely on my own overnight without anybody and it felt so strange. I’m normally a rubbish sleeper as my mind just won’t switch off, and if I’m by myself I panic that I hear noises and can’t sleep until everybody is back home safe and sound. So having a night alone may seem trivial, but it is a gallant milestone on my journey into single-parenthood; as I’ve always either had the children or a partner with me since moving to my own place as a teenager. But despite a night terror I slept through until morning, granted I woke in a panic but I’m proud, I slept through and ticked another task off of my list of independence. Perhaps that’s why poor little Gabriele has always struggled to sleep through, as since he was born he’s very frequently woken up screaming for no reason and I still think that he has night terrors that cause it, just like me.
Earlier this week I was in Angel Islington, London filming for a TV show and I had a lovely time. Although the weather took a turn for the worst and it rained all day, it didn’t stop me putting on a pretty summer dress and smiling as I walked through the city on the way to the studio. There’s something cleansing and refreshing about rain on a warm day and the air felt clear and the world around seemed so lush and youthful. I look at life and feel so blessed.
And today I am 100% back to health following my breast surgery as my final day of recovery is over, I feel strong, I feel good and I finally have my body and soul in balance. No more painkillers, no more scars, no more broken heart, just bigger and better things and such optimism for the future. I’ve been surrounded by some very amazing and inspiring people recently and they’ve opened my eyes to what I’ve been missing out on, reminding me what it is to feel happy again, attractive, young and confident. I’m no longer a tired and washed out mother of two, but a foxy go-getter and it’s so refreshing! I even bought a leopard print dress this week, me, hello – leopard print! And I love it. 🙂
And as I’m on a roll of list ticking right now, may I just use this moment to pat myself on the back and toot a little trumpet as I took Gabriele swimming for the first time ever; despite the fact that I’m scared of water! The last time I got into the water was off of the back of a boat in a lake for a wake-boarding birthday experience which left me hyperventilating and shaking as I clearly wasn’t ready to bite the bullet and conquer my fear of drowning but I still gave it my best shot.
I don’t want to hold the children back in life just because of my own fears, and as Gabriele loves everything to do with water I decided I’d take him to the swimming pool and we’d learn to swim together. So donning my bikini now that my bruising has cleared, we took to the water together and had the most amazing time. His little face lit up like Christmas as he realised just how much water there was, and his arms and legs paddled like a wind up toy as I held him in the water keeping his head up cautiously. And we both helped eachother, as first time swimmers at the age of one and twenty-five and it’s a day I wish I’d done sooner but am so happy that we shared together.
As soon as he caught sight of the changing room when we got to the end of the pool, that cheeky little nugget toddled off in his turtle swimming nappy over to the lockers to play with the doors and handles. He makes me so proud and didn’t stop smiling the whole time with his cheerful little dimples, shiny square teeth and big blue eyes. My precious little boy, growing up so fast already and changing by the day. I cherish every second with my children and feel so blessed to have them, they are everything that is beautiful in this world, the air within my lungs and the drive that keeps me going. I count my blessings with every kiss and cuddle they give me.
And I have just returned home this evening after spending the day filming for a TV documentary with the NoToMob in London which was a fabulous experience. I’d best add to my list ‘riding on a bike’ as we covered a fair few miles travelling on the motorway on the back of a motorbike at a grin-inducing speed and it was so exhilarating I’m tempted to learn to ride myself. As my second time on the back of a bike, since I first went up the road and back at the age of eleven, I felt so relaxed and peaceful as if I were flying and I had to fight the urge to stand up on the back and put my arms out in some sort of Titanic gesture. Coming home on the open road with the clear blue sky and golden sun was so humbling, I’ve never felt such a sense of freedom and calm and I loved every second of it.
What a crazy yet fantastic week it has been, and I have a feeling that next week will only make me smile all the more. 😉