For thirty-eight years, I have lived in a world where the social blueprint seemed to have been handed out to absolutely everyone but me. I felt like an alien observer, watching human interactions through a glass wall, just about close enough to see, but never quite touching the warmth of the crowd. My life has always felt like a movie, and I the stiff audience waiting for the end credits so that I may politely leave. And now, finally, it all makes sense.
Recently, I received two formal diagnosis’s that changed everything about my life: Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 and ADHD Combined Type. While some might see this as a label and limitation in life, for me, it is the ultimate data point. As a bodybuilder and biohacker, I have spent years optimising my physical health, my DNA, and my nutrition. I’ve decoded my genetics and pushed my physical form to its absolute peak, becoming a professional bodybuilder and athlete after the birth of my two children as a single mother. Yet, the most complex piece of hardware that I own, my brain, remained an absolute mystery to me, until now.
The Mirror of Diagnosis: Identifying the “Why”
Reading my diagnosis report was like seeing my entire life reflected back at me in high definition. It noted a history of being socially awkward, as I’ve always preferred my own company from a young age, and forming friendships only with those who were similarly isolated like I was. It spoke of my very direct communication style, of being black or white, which is a trait that has led to me being misinterpreted by others my entire life.
Perhaps most painful was seeing my social naivety carved onto the page in such a formal manner. Because I miss social subtext and struggle to read the hidden intentions of others, I have been a target for exploitation and abuse in work, romance and friendships.
And so I’d like to open a glimpse into my reality, and invite you to ask yourself if you can relate to any of these traits?
- Literal Interpretation: Do you see the world in black and white? Do you have an unshakable, almost painful sense of justice?
- Sensory Overload: I’ve been vegan since the age of 5yrs because of food textures. I struggle with bright lights and specific clothing materials which make me feel itchy and trapped.
- A Need For Predictability: I eat the same foods and buy from the same brands. I need extensive plans to mitigate the crushing anxiety of the unknown, writing lists as long as essays and researching everything.
- Special Interests: When I love something, I don’t just like it. Whether it’s bodybuilding, genetics, or nutrition, I pursue it until I am an expert and have so many qualifications that i don’t have the wall space to hang them all.
From The Shy Girl To The TV Studio
But, if you saw my life on paper, you’d see such a complete contradiction. I was the quiet, shy child at school who faced such severe bullying with zero self confidence. Then, one day I was talent-scouted by MTV to be a model and I’ve been in the public eye, and world media for over 20yrs now.
The irony? At the time, I had absolutely no concept of beauty, makeup, or fashion. I was an entirely blank canvas, and more of a tomboy than a young lady. I entered a glamorous world built entirely on smoke and mirrors while being someone who is, by nature, incapable of being anything other than very literal and incredibly honest. My life and my work were polar opposites and it felt like acting or playing a role, with the real me hiding beneath the surface, like a secret twin.
5 Million Followers: The Rise of Genetic Authenticity
Today, I am a social media influencer with nearly 5 million followers across all platforms. In an era of endless filters, dramatic plastic surgery, and curated perfection, my recent content has hit 33 million views in a matter of days. Why? Because the world is so utterly tired of the fake, shallow and superficial.
As an autistic woman, authenticity isn’t a strategy for me, it’s my default setting, resonating from my core. I don’t know how to be anyone else, and being something that I’m not, in either appearance or environment, makes me want to vomit. I very happily turned away from the glamour, fortune and filters in favour of mindfulness, natural beauty, and heartfelt honesty because no amount of money in the world could make me continue to crush my soul in such a way. I felt repulsed by denying myself, and so I had to return to who I actually am, against all odds from my position in the media.
More and more people are craving genuine human interaction the further that social media pushes us away from humanity and individuality. We are living in a time where being genetically authentic is in fact a superpower, rather than something to hide, deny and refuse. My followers evidently didn’t want a mask; they wanted the truth.
Neurodivergent Superpowers
Neurodivergence is often framed as a deficit, but history tells of an entirely different story. Many of the most brilliant minds to ever walk this earth have operated on a different frequency.
Autistic Superpowers include:
- Hyper-focus: The ability to achieve world-class expertise in record time.
- Pattern Recognition: Seeing connections in data, nature, and behaviour that others easily miss.
- Unwavering Integrity: A commitment to truth and justice, even when it’s unpopular.
- Creative Problem Solving: Thinking outside of the box because, for us, there is no box.
Many of the most influential figures in history and modern culture are believed to be or are confirmed as neurodivergent. Their differences were exactly what allowed them to change the world, as Albert Einstein is known for his visual thinking and difficulty with social conventions, Nikola Tesla had intense sensory sensitivities and an incredible ability to visualise complex machines, Greta Thunberg describes her autism as her superpower in the fight for climate justice, Sir Anthony Hopkins is an Oscar-winning actor who has spoken openly about how his diagnosis helps him deconstruct characters, and Elon Musk has shared his Asperger’s (ASD) diagnosis, attributing his drive for massive, systemic change to his unique brain.
I have lost countless hours, days and weeks of my time being so heavily invested in what I am doing that I have no idea what day it is, or whether it is even day or night. I forget to eat as my body goes into survival mode because I’m down such a rabbit hole of researching, writing or studies, and I complete exams and courses in just a fraction of the time of other students.
My mind craves information, growth, progress and understanding, which is a mental hunger louder than anything that you could ever physically imagine or experience. And my sense of justice is to the point that I’ve called the police on my own family members when they’ve committed even the most innocent of crimes, accidentally or even as children, because my morals refuse to be silenced.
In my heart I know that a young child taking a penny sweet from a shop can one day grow into a teenager stealing a piece of jewellery, or an adult hijacking a car which ends up resulting in a lifetime spent in prison if uncurtailed. The butterfly effect consumes me; my mind instantly extrapolates to the bigger picture and suddenly I’m viewing a subject from the perspective of the universe, rather than a singular event on the table in front of me. I see a timeline decades in advance, like a chess player always several moves ahead, and innately systems trigger to inform me of the blinding difference between right and wrong.
I’ve sat in rooms with very powerful and influential people, who are used to only being told yes at every turn by all around them, and respectfully given my opposing view. It’s not my intent to upset, offend or ever convince anyone to change sides, live as I live, or hang on every word that I say. I simply cannot sell out, or say the opposite to what I think, feel and live. I was silenced for so long, when you entirely lose yourself and identity, it’s impossible not to return home, and now I can’t so much as take one step in the wrong direction, let allow myself to be on the wrong path in life again.
And very wonderfully, although it may first dent a persons ego, the more open, honest and real that you are, the more highly people respect you. I can’t be bought, swayed or blackmailed, because money doesn’t concern me, power, status or fame is irrelevant, I always tell the truth no matter how embarrassing, and material possessions are inconsequential to me. I don’t want a bigger house or faster car; I’m quite wonderfully happy being me, leading my peaceful Buddhist life in a world filled with devious actions and overrun with greed and jealousy. I refuse to partake in what I cannot agree with, and I stay in my lane, merrily off of the beaten track of the masses.
A Message Of Love & Freedom
To anyone reading this who feels that they may be either too much or not enough for others, please just stop trying to follow the crowd. The crowd is often heading toward a filtered, hollow version of reality that can never truly exist. The crowd doesn’t care about you, doesn’t see or understand you, and certainly doesn’t love or want the best for you.
Deep down the crowd is hurting, lost and utterly confused; the crowd chases temporary highs, superficial gains and the desperate desire to be liked. I’d rather have one follower on social media for being myself, than millions who follow me for being something that I can only ever pretend to me. I’ve been there, on camera caked in makeup, my hair backcombed and straightened to within an inch of its life, airbrushing, altering, impossible expectations and being made into something that I’m not. It wasn’t me, and will never be me, because I’m the silenced inner child buried beneath.
I’m the girl who collects interesting pennies, plays with animals, climbs trees and reads books. I don’t care for high heels and ridiculous handbags that can’t hold more than five items. I don’t care for the latest fashion trends, I don’t want to take a selfie in a ridiculously overpriced restaurant in a dress that’s three sizes too tight, freezing cold and suffocatingly restrictive.
I don’t want friends who use me for selfies, mention my name to get in, or asked to be tagged on my social media to gain followers. I value everything in my life that doesn’t make its way to others public profiles; I want the frizzy hair, chipped nails, freshly washed face, mismatching clothing, heartfelt hugs, cute moment with my children, dog fur on my socks and a social media feed that restores my faith in humanity.
And so I unfollowed literally everyone, on every platform, regardless of who they were to me. I culled hundreds of thousands of influencers and accounts that made my soul itch, twitch and feel repulsed, and now my feed is filled with only health, nutrition, truth, justice and the beauty of life. It’s beyond wonderful to wake up to philosophical musings, breathtaking art, humanitarianism, optimum health and enthusiasm for life rather than the latest weird shoe costing thousands or another young skinny woman with zero facial expressions saying how much she loves her elderly husband, and his yacht. I don’t buy it, it’s invasively transparent and I can’t stand to look at it, let alone engage in it simply because society says it’s what success looks like.
So go ahead and sit in your silent home that you only bought to impress others, with insecurities, anxiety and loneliness stealing your every breath, ignore the debts that pile up as you buy more tatt that you will never need, doom scrolling for hours on end through social media feeds that are absolute fantasy in the most toxic of ways, and go to a job that you’ve forfeited your youth, health and wellbeing for in exchange for chasing soulless money with a deafening lack of passion or purpose.
But at least you can go to that restaurant, hotel, bar or club that everyone won’t stop talking about and pose in your tight overpriced clothing, standing in painfully high heels that burn through your bones, your heart sinking at the total of the bill because of the hideous extortion where quantity always exceeds meaning and quality. You can queue for hours to take pictures of yourself pouting by a pretty window, flower wall or doorway, as you save your one and only half-smile for the evening for the camera, before dropping your shoulders, hanging your head and immediately complaining that you want to go home once you’d got what you came for.
You can be a cog in the machine, mercilessly churning out clones, drones and destroying beautifully carefree lives. And you can entirely see, feel and understand how wrong it is, but the very insecurities that led you there make it seem impossible for you to now leave. When we build a society based solely upon money, status, power and attraction, how easily it is to sell your soul to fit in, as the inevitability of fleeting youth looms and all that you value today becomes worthless tomorrow.
So, I’ll politely decline your invitation to go on yet another night out, as I much prefer to wake up early and speak to the lovely lady with the dog, share musings with the man with the many tattoos, and help the child with the mismatching socks to cross the road, humbled by and utterly grateful for the true beauty of life. These moments don’t need to be captured on a camera, because they’re not something to boast about or use solely to impress others; they’re simply the oxygen of life that we all require to breathe, unless of course we choose to lead a superficial life that leaves us breathless for all of the wrong reasons, through the suffocation of inauthenticity rather than the blessing of sheer awe.
My diagnosis has given me the freedom to finally stop apologising for my need for isolation away from the crowd, my sensory cravings for nature, and my efficient directness to the truth. It has allowed me to break intergenerational cycles of trauma spent fighting tirelessly to fit in, and finally to see and understand my very own heart.
Key Signs Of Autism (ASD):
It’s important to remember that autism is a spectrum, meaning that its signs vary greatly between individuals. Many adults, especially women, have spent a lifetime learning how to hide their symptoms, making them appear normal, or neurotypical rather than neurodivergent.
In children we can pick up on:
- Social & Communication: Little to no eye contact, not smiling back, not responding to name, delayed speech, repeating words, difficulty with back-and-forth conversation, using gestures less.
- Behaviours & Interests: Repetitive movements such as rocking, spinning, hand-flapping, strict routines, intense interests, sensitivity to textures/sounds/lights, aversion to touch.
- Early Development: Regression such as losing skills after having them, not pointing to share interest, using a hand as a tool e.g. guiding a parent’s hand.
In adults and adolescents the most obvious factors are:
- Social Challenges: Difficulty understanding social cues, sarcasm, or metaphors; seeming to be blunt or rude; intense anxiety in social situations; trouble making/keeping friends; avoiding eye contact.
- Communication Differences: Taking things literally, unusual speech patterns which may seem monotone, robotic, using scripts, difficulty with turn-taking in conversation.
- Repetitive Behaviours & Routines: Needing strict routines and getting very anxious if they change, intense focus on specific subjects, repetitive actions.
- Sensory Issues: Noticing finer details that others may miss, being overwhelmed by sounds/lights/textures, or conversely seeming insensitive to pain.
- Masking: May learn to copy others’ behaviours to fit in, making these signs less obvious.
Please never feel pressured to walk the path others expect your true, honest and wholeheartedly authentic self. Your weirdness, kooks, quirks and individuality is your edge. Your sensitivity is your strength. Walk your own path in life with such love and pride for this miracle of creation that you have been blessed with. When you finally accept yourself, you give the rest of the world permission to do the very same.
Be true. Be you. Be free. Namaste x
