So I’m on my period and selling my trusty Ford Fiesta for £2,300 or nearest offers online (RRP approx. £2,600) and what a nutting-fudgepacking-mission it has been; I could literally slap everybody who approaches me with a frozen frankfurter in the face right now! My patience has been pushed to the limit to say the least…
The only thing holding my manners in place with a tiny little Barbie plaster right now is the idea of driving my beautiful new car once I have sold the Ford and moved my insurance over.
So, after being treated like a flower-pot man by every Tom, Dick and Harry thinking they can offer me £800.00 for my immaculate diesel and I’d bite their hand off, but surprisingly don’t, I have to use every ounce of my twenty-five-year maturity to keep a level head and calm voice when I politely decline their offer. Now is a good time to address the issues with buying cars privately before I smash every glass window in a 30mile radius with my I-can’t-take-anymore shriek. When I bought my Mercedes I found the car I liked, I spoke to the vendor and I asked for their best price returning immediately with the money in cash. Job done, sign the V5 document, hand over the keys and drive away a happy chappy. How nice was that!
So when complete time wasters come to my house, put their CHILDREN’S CAR SEATS IN MY CAR and take it for a test drive sticking their faces under the bonnet and licking the wheels to check for dirt on the tread of my newly fitted and balanced tyres my entire face wants to glow bright red and explode, but I hold it in and grit my teeth and wait for the sale. And knowing my bottom price, they stand before me and my immaculately presented car which has a full tank of diesel, a £20.00 wax job yesterday and full valet ready for the lucky new potential owner who tries to knock me another £100.00 ontop of the £600.00 discount on the retail price simply for a quick sale and to make my car more appealing! WHAT!?
You come to me to buy a well maintained diesel car with low mileage and full history which I’m bottom lining at £2,000.00 to be super kind and make your life less expensive and easy and you sniff my exhaust pipe to try and find even just one fault but fail and try to knock me for no reason whatsoever when your current car doesn’t even rival my wheelie bin. Hell no! I’m genuinely shocked and appalled at how low some people can be. You know damn well when they sell their car to pay for their new one they will expect the full asking price and pinch every last penny out of their airtight butt-cheeks, yet I underprice mine by £600.00 and have it preened to within an inch of its life and they feel hard done by! Psh!
We can all learn a lesson from this, and it’s to not be an arse about buying cars, this world is hard enough as it is and the economy has suffered enough over these past several years because of people like these tyre-kickers that have brought England to its knees. These are possibly the same people who crashed the housing market and Icelandic banks through their superglued-shut arses! If you got to the checkout in Tesco’s you wouldn’t argue over the cost of your milk, you saw it on the shelf, you read the price, you picked it up and carried it to the cashier so buy your bloody milk and get out of the shop because the world is still spinning! Jeez. And they act like they’re actually doing you a favour, by stealing from you and removing every part of your generosity as well as your wallet. How about no, you can’t buy my car for the price of a weekend in Margate, now get off my land before I set my chihuahua on you.
I feel robbed of my time and common decency in giving these people the time of day. Fair enough if I made out I was selling gold and it was in fact butter, but I’m not, I possibly presented my car as quite adequate butter but went that extra mile to make it as attractive as gold for viewings so that the buyer would be pleasantly surprised and grateful for my efforts. If I’d have known an arse-whistler would have darkened my doorstep for several hours unrolling my car windows and draining my window washer tanks of water I would have syphoned out my full tank, removed my acorn-shaped woodland air freshener and pronged my CD/MP3 head-unit out to give to Luca. What a liberty. But I won’t let it break me because I am made of stronger stuff.
Instead I shall use the arse-whistler and his wheelie-bin wheels as motivation and determination to not be used and mistreated by my Fiesta’s future owner. And as I’m sat typing this I have had six more bids on eBay motors and my middle finger is close to getting ever closer to having an erection in his honour. But I shall remain dignified and cool the heart-burn rising in my throat, take a moment to regain my composure and wait for the decent human being who will no doubt grace my doorstep and hand me the asking price for my already underpriced car, just as I did so myself last week. Woosah.
So the moral of the story is don’t be a tight arse, if you want something of course you must be prepared to shop around but not rob people blind and beg!