Well today I just feel blah. I don’t even have words for my frustration, unsettledness; annoyance at everything and everyone I guess. I just feel lacking and I don’t know why. Like something is missing or not quite working right but I can’t fix it because I can’t find the cause.
I’m not depressed, just down I guess. It’s pissing it down with rain outside smashing up all of my flowers I’ve just bought, the cats done a huge dump in the litter tray and I can’t put it out the door or it will float off down the garden, I didn’t get to do the shopping today, we got home too late from visiting the family for Millie to have her bath, my head is still tender from having my stitches out the other day, my boobs feel extra floppy and my belly still looks like I’ve had one too many cheeseburgers despite living on lettuce leaves all week. Today is just incredibly blah!
I’ve just sat down now at 10pm for the first time today after having done a poo and weighed myself. It wasn’t my intention to go to the toilet before my weigh-in, I just happened to be bursting and smiled to myself sitting on the loo thinking “Hey, maybe this week I’ll trick the scales into weighing less because I’ve done a good poo!” But when I stepped on the dish of devil-digits all I noticed was a lousy one-pound loss. Being short sighted and the bathroom light so annoyingly dim that everything has a slight blur in the shadows below mirror height, I suspect annoyingly that I may even be the same weight as last week and the fine lines between digits too small to differentiate between. So the long walks with the children, my salads for dinner and saying no to junk have got me precisely nowhere! All of my effort and for what? Thank you very much you bastard arse!
But then I wonder how does fat actually leave our bodies? Does it burn off and then come out in our poo somehow? And when exactly does it come out, right after it burns, a day later or even a week? Maybe my body is holding loose fat that is no longer connected but hasn’t yet left, so for this transition period I will still weigh the same but tomorrow I will be seven pounds lighter? Or maybe I’ve hit my resting weight; one stone above what I wanted to return to and this is how the rest of my life will be. This extra stone forever in my pocket, burning a hole in my jeans and bloating out my insides. A stone is a lot, Gabriele is just over ten pounds and he makes my arms ache, but a stone! When would I ever have the room or energy to carry a whole stone around with me, even my handbag breaks my back and shoulders with all the crap I seem to fill it with. This horrible, unwelcome black cloud tangled around my thighs and stomach weighing down my smile…
I wonder when periods return after birth, because I’m suspecting mother nature has a little something to do with my emotions today and I’ll slap a tea cake in her face when I see her for making me feel so glum. I can hardly remember what a period feels like now; I’ve not had them in years even before being pregnant. But let’s hope this time baby two will have got my cycle back on track and I know that for twenty-one days of the month I can hold onto my sanity.
So my body blog this week is a bit of a disaster to be honest. I’ve been so good with my food and gentle exercise that I was hoping for at least a three-pound loss. I’ve been pushing Gabriele in his pushchair with Millie on a buggy board up and down the hills, round the village, through the shops and to the park; all I’ve done is walk. And the weight of it! I break a sweat just going down the hill let alone adopting the bum-out and head-down wheel grinding inch-by-inch world’s strongest man push to get the kids back up our steep hill. And the food I’ve had – BORING AS HELL I’ve literally ran away from every carbohydrate, grain of sugar and flavour for the entire week and for what!? I almost cracked and had a Chinese last night but at the last minute regained my willpower and resisted and felt so good for it, thinking to myself “I’m glad I didn’t have that or else I won’t lose weight this week” HA! If I’d have known I would have ate the whole shop and the chairs in the waiting room out of spite for my thunder thighs. How depressing!
But as Gabriele will be five weeks old tomorrow I’ve decided that I will start working out now instead of waiting another seven days when he reaches six weeks. I don’t want to cause any damage to my organs or whatever the dangers may be from working out prematurely, but for my own mind I need to do something about how I feel. If my car was broken I would take it to get fixed, if my cupboard was bare I’d go and buy food, and for my body to make me so unhappy I will pull my finger out and do something about it. I don’t want to be in no-mans land any longer, I know what I want and how to get it, so now I’m breaking free of my chains and whipping my own arse! Literally
I’m laughing to myself thinking about writing my blog in seven days time along the lines of “You will not believe how hard I worked out this week and not even a one pound loss! Maybe it’s all muscle!?” ha I hope for my own sake that I see a change and trim a little crumb off of this bloody great big stone I’m dragging along behind me. My albatross has outstayed it’s welcome and I feel like chicken tonight!
So as you can see my belly is nowhere near flat, on a good day it could possibly pass as plain greedy as opposed to having held a baby last month, but still you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy. I can’t hold it in or tense it at all, it’s about as useful as trying to wiggle my ear just now so I’m hoping doing some sit-ups will start to build some tone again soon. So long as it doesn’t bulge, squidge or hang over my jeans I will be happy. I don’t believe that anybody should hate their body or be consumed with how they look, but I strongly feel that if something makes you unhappy and it’s within your powers to fix it then you must do all that you can to make it right. I know that everybody is different, we all come in different shapes and sizes, but we all have a body and size that is natural to just us. I have always been roughly the same size give or take a pound, so I know my ideal weight is healthy for me and natural. I don’t want to starve myself and I don’t want to overeat, I just want to reach my natural everyday weight again. But if I don’t then key sera!
To drag my moody face away from the lure of the snack cupboard I’ve ordered myself some fake tan, eyelashes and sleep rollers so that my hair can be bouncy, my face golden and dark circles banished and my eyelashes like elegant swooping butterflies on a sunny day. As Gabriele’s christening is approaching I’m making my lists and checking them twice, just like a chubby summer Santa clause but with less fur and smaller boots. So far I’ve got the balloons, ribbon, confetti and cake toppers and I just need… everything else! I’m posting the invitations tomorrow and have paid for the venue so it’s a start.
I couldn’t resist trying Gabriele in his little christening suit and he looked so so cute I almost ate him there and then. My little boy suddenly all grown up and handsome in his little ivory jacket and trousers I almost shed a tear. I’ve been so used to little floral dresses with Millie, it’s taken all of my will-power to stop myself putting bows on his head and ballet shoes on his feet. I’m not sure if he looks like he’s going to a wedding or dancing on TV with John Travolta but I love it, and I love him and my children make me so happy no matter what they wear or what they do I will only love them more every second of every day. This is a proper mushy mummy moment right here. Emotions!
We’ve changed Gabriele onto his Aptamil Comfort Milk now and it looks like swishy yellow toilet water – not very appetising at all! Even though he’s only been on it for a day now he doesn’t seem as windy which may be down to the milk or just fluke. He’s still got firm poo but not yet constipation so only time will tell if this magical milk can soften him up again. He’s holding his head up so well and attempting to smile with cheeky little grins when I pull faces at him and the odd random baby coo that he throws in for effect. He must be approaching eleven pounds now surely, as he’s eaten and grown so much since he was weighed last. He’s still waking every couple of hours throughout the night to feed but I’m coping with it a lot better as I’m used to the broken sleep now, although my brain doesn’t appreciate it. He’s also able to travel around a little now, when I lay him down to sleep in the time it takes him to wake up he’s always a little lower down and over to one side from where I placed him. I’ve not actually seen him move yet so I don’t quite know how he’s doing it, but he’s always wiggling about and lifting his legs up and trying to roll onto one side so I may have to set a hidden camera to satisfy my curiosity. Both he and Millie are doing well and looking forward to half term this week and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, it’s just a shame the weather is so wet and cold as we’d have loved to celebrate in the sunshine with a picnic and glass of Pimms! But so long as we have each other we can make our own sunshine right here x x x