We’re skating along on thin ice with our colds, and at the moment we’re holding them at bay without them getting worse. I blame this ridiculous weather where one minute it’s blue skies and the next it’s driving rain and thunder storms, the poor plants and animals don’t know what to make of it!
Today I’ve been so pleasantly surprised in everything that I’ve done. I woke up feeling good this morning at 8am, despite doing the night shift alone as Luca had work and my maternity leave obviously isn’t a free holiday! So I got the kiddies ready, made the breakfast, put on my face and got down to the school ON TIME, thank you very much, standing ovation please, pat on the back, nice fat cookie. Then I stopped off to get a few bits and pieces from the shop and the florist and was balled over by the way people treated me; first a nice guy opened a door for me, not because he was already going through it, but he actually went out of his way to get the door for me – bloody hell! Secondly when I went to pay for my shopping another kind guy put it all through for £1.00, I stood with a £20 note in my hand waiting for the final amount and he gave me my money back, when I said he’d made a mistake he said no and smiled. So feeling like the world was suddenly taken over by aliens I walked back to my car in a complete daze and a lovely man came up to me and carried my bags the rest of the way! What’s going on!? I’ve tried pinching myself but it makes absolutely no difference to reality, I am still on planet earth.
One of Luca’s friends joked it may be down to me having a cleavage or a pulse which made me think are people only being polite and courteous to me now because I’m no longer a pregnant fridge-freezer body double? And then I realised I’d slightly shrunk my jeans from when I picked up Millie from school the day before and her wet bright red rainbow painting had brushed against my thighs and made me look like an extra in a slasher movie; it wasn’t until I was half way through eating dinner that evening that I looked down and saw the carnage on my lap. So I put my jeans in the wash and a few hours later they came out no different, after stain treating them and washing a second time the paint came out a treat and now my jeans feel like they’ve been sprayed on. It’ll take a good few lunges to limber them up again.
I have to admit, I am starting to feel good about myself, I still have beef with my belly, but we’re learning to be friends again. I’m two pounds off of my starting pregnancy weight, but if I want to be back to my slim days I need to do another half to a whole stone, although there’s two reasons why I doubt that I’ll ever reach Utopia again; one because I was eighteen the last time I was that slim and two because I’m basically a greedy piggy when it comes to food and I love it too much.
But it’s nice to walk down the street and have people smile at me and hold doors and give me near enough free shopping – ha! It makes me realise how dismissive people are of you when you don’t look or feel your best; if you’re slightly overweight and having a bad hair day you become an inconvenience to all around you so it seems, and if you unintentionally wear skin tight jeans people start falling over themselves to speak to you or lend a hand. What a fickle world we live in!
And weirdly enough I had another show today and it’s really annoying me now, I feel like my period is a devilish squatter shouting obscenities at me through the letterbox and refusing to come out because it knows I will have it evicted. I’m half tempted to go trampolining or sit on the washing machine for a full spin cycle out of sheer spite.
Luca and I spoke about babies the other day and how (no, this isn’t a joke) I would really love to have another. As if the sleepless nights and torture aren’t enough, I would gladly do it all over again knowing that this would be the absolute final time and I can spend the rest of forever being just one human instead of carrying cargo. And I would absolutely love to be pregnant, but it’s the small fact of the pregnancy that puts me off. I’m not bothered about giving birth because after this second time I strongly believe next time I won’t even bat an eyelid, if I can take myself back to the hypnotic state I found this time round, then if anything it’d be like a little cheeky getaway for me to zone out and leave my body on the hospital bed for a bit.
But the thing that terrifies me most is the thought of losing another unborn baby, or something going drastically wrong health wise or even having a stillbirth. Just the thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test sends shivers down my spine at the very same time that it makes my heart skip a beat and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I absolutely adore our children but I know that my family is not yet complete; I can feel in my bones and in my soul that there is just one more meant for us and then we can grow old together and eat ice cream on the veranda.
Luca obviously thinks that I’m insane suggesting another baby would be a breeze and every time Gabriele has wind and shrieks or cries he raises a knowing eyebrow at me with an ‘I told you so’ face, which I simply brush off with a passing chuckle and a big smile plastered all over my face and wrapped right round the back of my head. I know having children is hard, I know I end up a wreck and turn into a whale crossed with a panda bear for looks, and I know that every pregnancy has it’s risks to both mother and child. But… I don’t know why, I just feel this great love and longing for another little person. And how amazing would it be when they’ve all grown to a manageable age and we can travel without car seats and nappy bags, play family boardgames long into the evening on a Sunday and make rhubarb crumble in our aprons like a mini production line. But secretly I’d love to have a baby that stayed a baby forever so that I could keep the constant kisses and cuddles and sweet smelling baby powder aroma in the house. I love my children no matter what, and I know I could love a third just the same. Wow, three children, is it really possible that I could one day find myself married with three children? If you’d asked me that six years ago I would have laughed myself purple, and now it seems like the most natural and pleasurable thing in the world. Children are amazing and fill my heart with sunshine and flowers and the occasional splash of baby sick.
Tomorrow we are planning a trip to Legoland as we’ve never been but all love lego in a geeky way and decided at the ripe old age of four and a half that Millie would now be able to enjoy more challenging attractions rather than pointing at monkeys at the zoo from within a pushchair. Whether we make it tomorrow is anyones guess, hopefully the rain and thunderstorms will hold off, if not we’ll be walking around with soggy faces and a considerably lighter purse. x x x