Little baby G is getting bigger by the day, he’s changing so much it fills my heart with butterflies when we cuddle together and he looks up at me with his big blue eyes and smells so sweet; I could look at him forever and a day, everything about him is just so perfect and beautiful and heavenly.
Poor little Millie has been ill with an ear infection this week and we’ve had lots of cuddles and ‘Mummy’ moments which has been lovely as recently she’s been calling me ‘Mum’ because she’s obviously very grown up and too cool to talk to me like a baby. It destroys me to see our children sad or in pain and I wish I could be ill instead of her. She’s growing up so much now I’ve really noticed the shift from ‘our little girl’ to ‘Gabriele’s big sister’ she’s almost grown up overnight and although I don’t want to take away her right to be a little girl, I feel a little guilty for treating her like a grown up because I don’t want to burden her with too much responsibility or expectations that she doesn’t feel capable of living up to just yet. I don’t want to be a pushy parent or make her feel under pressure to be what she’s not, I want her to grow in her own time and to do what she loves and makes her happy. She is a fantastic big sister, so kind and caring and has all of the time in the world for her baby brother which is all I could ever wish for x x
So tomorrow I’m at week three of my body blog and blahhh!! I’m not sad or depressed at all, but I am feeling a bit of a slump and dare I say disappointed? I probably sound like a right moany muppet over something so trivial but it’s how I’m feeling inside and I want to be honest about my emotions or there’s not much point in writing about it is there! I think the first week after giving birth I noticed a big difference in my body, mainly because one day a baby was in my tummy and the next he wasn’t! But visually and mentally I saw the difference and it excited me and kept me fuelled to be positive about my body changing in the way that I wanted. Again last week I noticed a change and was happy with how my weight loss was going; I wasn’t happy about my shape, size or flabbiness (ha!) but was content with the progress that I was making and hoping I was still on route to getting into shape and would continue to see the difference week by week.
So this week I wasn’t expecting to continue losing weight so noticeably, but I was definitely hoping to feel positive about it all to keep myself on track. It probably hasn’t helped that I’ve not changed my diet at all, and selfishly continued to eat junk, take out, desserts, sweets and huge dinners each day. I don’t want to be one of those people who moans about their weight but does sod all to change it, I know if you want something you have to work hard at it and be prepared to put the effort in, butttt at the moment I still have three weeks left until I can workout and I feel like a cat stood out in the pissing down rain looking through a window at a nice warm fire and cosy family desperate to get in and be a part of it all. I don’t want to be a drowned rat out in the cold, I want to be a cosy kitty toasting by the hearth. I look in the mirror and see a big blob of white comedy jelly staring back at me. I can pull my skin away from my body which is quite sick in itself (ha!) but also I’ve noticed that it is tightening back, so I guess I’ll use this time to make the most of my elasticity and get Millie to see how many pegs she can clip to my sides on a rainy afternoon.
Even though I stopped breastfeeding two weeks ago, when Gabriele is near my chest I still leak a little milk and ruin my nice bras! This is either going to sound weird or disgusting but my breasts don’t feel like blocks of hard concrete anymore and the green veins that were so close to the surface of my skin are gradually shrinking back down now, they looked like big white marbled boulders last week; but this week they feel almost natural which is strange because I’ve have silicone implants since I was eighteen. When I had Millie my chest went from being incredibly fake looking and stuck on to still pert but almost soft instead of rock-like. With Gabriele, now that they have settled and I think this is how they will stay, they actually feel quite natural. They’re soft and movable almost, you can squish them like a foam ball as opposed to squeezing a solid balloon which is so different as before I had my implants I was incredibly flat chested so literally had no idea what a woman’s chest should look or feel like. But having children definitely changes implants, or breast tissue surrounding implants? Since I’ve had them almost seven years now and matured from a teenager to a mother I’m relieved that they no longer look so fake or alien, I prefer to look natural and feminine as opposed to a drag queen with balloons stuck down his dress.
This week I am still bleeding and soldiering on with my jumbo sanitary towels, much to the horror of my leggings as I’m so paranoid the pad will stealthily move in my underwear and suddenly become visible so that it looks like a projectile lump of poo sticking out of my leggings from behind. I hope in this situation that somebody would tell me if this happened, but I think if I clocked it, it would be far too humorous to leave a person walking around with ‘proud piles’ and an unknowing smile. I’m therefore still wearing my granny pants which cover both cheeks as opposed to my usual g-strings who are so much more polite, stay where they’re supposed to and don’t try to make themselves known to the world when wearing tight clothing. But these parachute’s that house my sanitary wear are really outstaying their welcome, I don’t see how big pants can be flattering at all as they half cover your bum cheeks and depending on what you wear, can easily give you double cheek just like wearing a bra that is too small and it gives you a double cleavage as you spill over the top. Eek!
I still don’t have a waist which makes me feel very boyish as I don’t feel like I have any shape, I’m just a wide man-plank straight up and down instead of curving in and out. I hope I find my waist again sometime soon, I know it’s there somewhere but it’s a bit like my actual hallway right now, buried under coats and you can’t see the rack. The same goes for my ribs, they’re still in hiding but we appreciate your patience and will be with you as soon as we can. I hope!
This week I’ve continued to eat like it’s the end of the world. I’ve been craving milk and curry – fortunately not on the same plate! I’ve been a greedy piggy eating chocolate and crisps and choccie digestives from the fridge. I’ve had more bread and muffins than a bakery and our local Chinese has been greeted with our custom as usual. I know that I need to change and take responsibility for my own actions and shipwreck of a body. I want to look good and feel good but it’s so annoying that it’s at the expense of the food that I love. I wish I could have it both ways and eat what I like and feel confident about my body, but without being able to exercise yet and not having my magic wand to hand, something has to give.
So I am officially quitting bread, pasta, chocolate, cakes, take-out and cheese; everything I enjoy basically. I definitely won’t be dieting because I’m a machine and need a lot of food to be able to function, but I’ll be trading my junk for salad, soups and fruit in the hope that it may trim me down in the meantime until I can exercise and eat cake again.
I’m still trashed and tired constantly but I’m not expecting to be bright eyed and bushy tailed just yet with a three-week-old baby. I got to the point the other night where I had to leave Gabriele in his cot getting angry whilst I ran down the stairs in the pitch black to go and warm a bottle for him because I was getting so tired I almost fell down the stairs and didn’t want to put him in any danger through my tiredness. Luca tried to tell me Gabriele was awake the other night and I was so delirious nothing that I said made sense and my eyes felt like they were burning lumps of coal. I’ve always managed to stay up all hours on no sleep with little energy but the longer that it continues and the more I use up my reserve tanks the more I realise how dangerous tiredness becomes. I don’t mind falling down the stairs at four in the morning and putting my head through the wall, just as long as Gabriele and Millie are tucked up safe and sound in bed.
Until next week x x x Zzzzzzzz