Age: 5months & 2weeks & 5days

β€˜Tis the night before Millie’s birthday and all through the house, chaos reigns triumphant and I think I just saw a mouse! Did you like that? Well actually I’m fairly organised for once, the housework is done, Millie is at school and the ingredients of a soon-to-be-five-year-olds birthday cake are goading me from the kitchen. Now I’m not the best baker in the world, my non-cupcakes (anything larger than a cookie) usually sink in the middle, taste like bricks or involuntarily get incinerated by moi. So there is a method to my madness making her birthday cake the morning before her birthday as it gives me just enough time to hit Tesco’s Express to find a replacement Victoria sponge before morning. πŸ™‚

But because she’s my daughter, I owe her the embarrassment of a homemade birthday cake as the epitomisation of my love for her. And I’m hoping that the hundreds of pretty sugar flowers, balls and sprinkles that I’ve stocked up on will cleverly mask the carnage of my baking skills! We shall see. And if all else fails at least I’ll have fun trashing the kitchen and dancing around to the music channel on TV in puffs of icing sugar clouds with raw egg dripping from my earlobes. πŸ™‚

I was delighted yesterday when the council refunded my fixed penalty notice I had received for my sat-nav taking me down a bus lane months ago. I hadn’t protested or realised what I’d done as I was out of town and following the flow of traffic and my robotic navigation friend ‘Sam’ but it must have happened to a lot of people who bravely protested to my benefit, so thank you very much aggressive strangers who like to complain. I therefore decided my delightful Β£30.00 reimbursement cheque that I otherwise wouldn’t have seen again should make good and turn itself into a pair of new shoes, so Luca and I headed out for a spot of shopping after dropping Millie at school on his day off. Which would have been a good idea if my shoes only cost Β£30.00 instead of *cough*Β£60.00*cough*, and if I hadn’t also bought three pairs of trousers, a Rolling Stones top, and a massive bottle of Armani perfume to go with it. But we’ll ignore the bank receipts in my purse and menacingly pat myself on the back with a reluctant smile through gritted teeth and a “Well done for being money-wise there Trace! Good use of your Β£30.00 refund!” Yes… πŸ˜€

And as Millie’s birthday steadily approaches it also means that mine is imminently on it’s way seven days after hers. I used to love birthdays as a child and even as a teenager, as I always thought immaturely to myself “Yes! Money, presents and attention!” but somewhere along the line and throughout the years my birthday ecstasy has betrayed me and changed to “Jesus Christ! Grey hair, more socks and bloody wrinkles!” So I’m hoping if I gag and bind my postman to the lamp post at the end of our road, superglue my letterbox shut and take the phone off the hook indefinitely then I can convince/trick my birthday not to happen this year, ergo I shall not age! Genius!

And every year since I was a shy little nipper I always wished for a birthday party, just like the one Millie has planned for Sunday, only I’ve never had enough friends to actually have a party, and eating cake by yourself is a bit sad really. Is that a little violin I can hear or a nasal-laugh! I guess I’m just a strange independent person who doesn’t need to be surrounded by people to feel special, I’ve never felt scared about being on my own or not having people to talk to, and in my opinion I’d rather have a few best friends worth their weight in gold than twenty so-called friends who’d make your worst enemy look friendly whenever your backs turned, with as much loyalty as… something which isn’t very loyal… a woodpecker? George Bush? And to actually think that people would go out of their way to come and spend my birthday with me, I don’t know, it must sound weird but I can’t see it ever happening for me. So I’ll stick to what I know, never expect it and therefore never be disappointed. Great outlook on life right there, but obviously my children will always have special birthdays, even when they’re wrinkly! πŸ™‚

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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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