Gestation: 15weeks & 3days

Now that I have a rather baby shaped bump it is absolutely lovely and such a surprise to have people say congratulations to Luca and I. I was never congratulated with Millie, and it’s so sad to look back at the happiness and merriment that was never there with my first pregnancy. It seemed the whole time people only greeted me with frowns and “Oh dear’s for such a dark and taboo time as a young, single nineteen year old.”

But this time is different, I feel so happy for this pregnancy but at the same time so bad for Millie. Even though Millie will never know of the heartache and tears throughout my carrying her, I feel like she deserves to have been given more respect for the time before she was born. I’m struggling to put into words how I feel, I’ve always loved her so much it hurts, ever since the day I found out I was expecting her, but babies should be brought into the world in a joyous and respectful way and I feel she was never given that by her father, and never has been. God knows I’ve given her all of the love and attention for both a mother and father, trying to do it all and then some. But I just hope that she will remember how her soon-to-be brother or sister is acknowledged as a growing baby bump and already referred to so lovingly and waited for with such excitement and anticipation and believe that we were exactly the same way when she was in my tummy. Like a child that has been adopted and has never and would never need question the paternity of their parents because they know how much they are loved and wanted and how they have always been in their life; until one day when their hearts may be broken to find out they are not their birth parents. Even though Luca is not Millie’s father, he is the only father she could ever have wished for, and it is a very rare occurrence in life when wishes come true but we are truly blessed to have such a precious family.

I guess my emotions are on overdrive today; I’ve had a stinking cold, headache, sore throat, runny nose and general zombiness. Millie has been snuggling with me under a blanket on the sofa, the Christmas tree twinkling watching Eastenders together. Just what the doctor ordered. X

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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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