Gestation: 17weeks & 3days

I was hoping to listen to the baby’s heartbeat to make sure everything is ok this week but I’ve had no contact with my midwife/doctors or hospital but then I guess no news is good news! So I was hoping to go and get a heart monitor from the shop so that I could sit and listen at home whenever I need reassurance. Luca asked me what I want for Christmas and the only thing in the world I can think of is a heart monitor as silly as that sounds! I honestly don’t want anything else than for my family to be ok, which means knowing our unborn bean is still with us.

Most days now I am getting little flutterings in my tummy, not exactly a kick, but more of a wiggle that’s over with very quickly. But when I think about it, it could be my tummy rumbling, trapped wind or the need for the loo. So although it’s lovely to feel, I still question whether it’s actually the baby or just my insides. I so desperately can’t wait to start feeling proper kicks so that I know it’s not last nights dinner putting on a show!

Well I went to the shop to go and get the heart monitor, thinking that even though I won’t be using it for very long, the money spent can be justified on Millie using it to practice being a vet testing her guinea pigs heartbeat and checking the cat and dog with it. But when I got to the shop and read the box more closely it stated that it could only be used from 20wks onwards so it obviously isn’t like the midwives handset that can pick up a lot sooner. In my option at 20wks the baby will be kicking very obviously and I’d no longer have a concern for the silence in between, so the heart monitor is now pretty pointless and I just have to wait! Boo hoo.

Still, we only have another 2wks+4days until our 20wk scan which I’m determined to hold out for it and not try to source any machinery or gadgets in the meantime to satisfy my curiosity. I can’t wait to find out what we’re having, just as I can’t wait to eat my Xmas pudding! Millie’s on day two of her advent calendar which she’s been begging me to open since we got it last weekend and I had to explain to her the need to be patient and open only one door every morning after breakfast. And now when I come home I sit at the advent calendar looking at all of the little doors and decorations and counting down to our scan never mind Xmas! I opened the little wooden door to number 18 today to take a sneak peek when nobody was around; I wanted to give myself a little taste of what it would feel like to be two days away from the scan and knelt up to the calendar looking back at all the other closed doors like crazy Christmas shoppers in a long queue to the checkout at the shops and me at the front with all my shopping already finished, feeling smug for all of the days which we would have passed at that point, I felt like I was standing on top of a mountain looking down at how far I’d just climbed and it was in a childish way very exciting! But then I had to close the door and return back to tiny number 2 all the way down the bottom of the calendar and suddenly it seemed so far away. Why is it when you really badly want something time goes so slow, but as soon as you get to enjoy it time falls through your fingers?

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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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