This has been such a hard week for me, and I didn’t know where to begin, or end or anything. So I’m sorry if you don’t fancy reading about my sadness then please look away now! My whole world was literally turned upside down when Luca decided to leave on Sunday night and came back for his things to move out the following day.
I’ll always believe you should constantly work at everything in life, yourself, your relationship and your family; there will never ever be a time when you hit perfection because it’s such an impossibility that we can simply strive for but never come close to, but it doesn’t mean to say that I would have ever stopped trying or even given up altogether. Life is a journey of growth and understanding and constantly adjusting, maybe we were both guilty of not doing enough of it soon enough for our relationship to have survived. We have had one heck of a crazy year, from losing loved ones and family, having a new baby, coping with no sleep fifteen months on from the birth, juggling the financial costs of another mouth to feed and finding scraps of spare time to catch up on sleep or take some time out to be a couple. Life doesn’t come with guidelines, a rule book or instructions, you can only do what you think is best and try to balance the hassle, chores, routines, needs and expectations of everybody involved along the way. All I can do now is soldier on and pick up the slack for the empty seat that is now at our table as I’m forced to carry on regardless for the sake of my two beautiful children.
I tried, and I tried and I tried for the five and a half years that Luca and I were together, whilst raising our two babies and giving my all to create a loving and happy family home which for the majority of the time was beautiful and wonderful. But if my efforts weren’t enough then it they weren’t enough and I can’t change that now, I won’t beat myself up over it, I have only ever tried my best to please everyone and so it’s out of my hands. I can’t and wouldn’t want to be with somebody who wasn’t happy to be with me, life is too short to be unhappy and love is a blessing not a punishment or life sentence. All that I can do now is rebuild my home, our world, the children’s routine, keep strong for them both and be all that I can be in life.
My heart is broken, my confidence as a woman shattered and my head filled with impossible thoughts. I’m still healing from my surgery and unable to lift baby Gabriele yet so it’s been more than a struggle emotionally, physically and mentally to say the least but bad news never comes at a convenient time does it? I know that I will come through this as I’m a firm believer in what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I was a single parent to Millie before I met Luca and I will be a single parent to her and Gabriele once again, my priorities in life won’t ever change, I will always live for my children.
But where does this leave me? Honestly. Numb, vacant, unable to eat, unable to sleep, mentally tortured and unable to make sense of it all. I’ve cried for two days straight until my tears finally ran out, had a constant thumping head ache, snotty choked up nose and burning red eyes. I’ve mourned not only for myself but for my precious babies and the life they will no longer have and our home that will never be the same again. I hurt for them, my heart aches for how their lives will change forever and I feel sick to my core. I broke down in tears in the children’s room as Luca emptied out his belongings and cried myself to sleep hugging my knees like a child. I have nobody to turn to at night to tell me everything will be ok and hold me tight, nobody to balance me and help me carry the load when the days been tough, I just have to empty out my heart until there is nothing else left and then I can begin to heal and grow once again. I have to be strong for the children, but who will be strong for me now? I no longer have my rock and soulmate, just a million unanswered questions and a heart filled with sadness. I feel as though my life so far was a journey, a walk down a river on a sunny day perhaps, and out of nowhere I’ve fallen into the water, struggling to swim, unable to breath, no sense of which way is up nor down; just all my senses thrown, scared and confused as I fight to keep my head above water and drag myself out to the safety of dry land.
I don’t know how long I will hurt, I don’t even know how best to adjust or where to start, I just have to get on with it for the sake of the children. The situation we’re in isn’t ideal, it isn’t easy but at the same time it wasn’t my choice to make and I don’t blame Luca for leaving if being with us wasn’t what he wanted in life. People can only live for what makes them happy because we’re only here for a short while so you have to make the best of it. Regardless of where the future takes me I will always be exactly where I belong, with my babies and everything else will come after that.
I’ll be totally frank as always about how I feel because sharing your pain and emotions is a way of accepting what’s happening so you can heal and move forward. You should never bottle up your fears and sadness, if you have nobody else in life to turn to I am here for you and I promise I will always listen. The day after Luca left I sat in the garden at 6am just as the day was starting after tossing and turning all night unable to sleep, my mind cloudy and pained from crying and thinking too much. The world felt so peaceful and calm and the children were in bed still. Alone with my thoughts in the freshness of the morning I tried to centre myself and take a deep breath and think of what the day would hold in store and how I had to be strong for the children and grieve away from them. I sat on the bench and couldn’t breathe when my leg brushed past at the twinkly little wind chimes that Luca had hung just a day or so ago, I looked up at the bedroom window expecting him to pop his head out and say good morning but he wasn’t there and never again would be; and the ashtray on the table was filled with his cigarette ends and I stared numbly at them with tears rolling down my face. Sitting where he would always sit, feeling what he would always feel, but knowing things would never be the same. It felt like he had died and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He wouldn’t come walking around the corner, he wouldn’t be smiling out of the window and he wouldn’t be playing in the garden with the children on such a beautiful day, yet I was unreasonably expecting it to happen, waiting for him and hoping it was all just a bad dream. But this really is the end. The start of my forever without him. And all I can do is ache, and hurt and cry alone.
It seems when you hurt over something the whole world suddenly turns against you and sends you signs to deliberately upset you. The pictures from across the years of us all smiling with Father Christmas or abroad on holiday on the french dresser swelled my throat and I took them down, the family portraits proudly displayed in the lounge were like knives to my heart, doing the housework with the radio on in the background somehow only found love songs and reduced me to tears, and Millie asking when Luca was coming home made me feel like my lungs would explode. Everything reminded me, everything hurt me and holding the children and weeping I felt as thought I were in the eye of the storm, frightened and uncertain and all I could do was stay brave for my babies.
Well it’s three days since Luca left and I can’t even begin to tell you the clarity and happiness I have now found. When there’s nothing in life that gets you down anymore then it’s impossible not to rise up and just glow inside and out, I feel lifted and alive for the first time in years. I have and always will be a bright and cheerful, positive and striving person, and it is a relief to be able to be me again, without the worry of fitting around another person and stepping on toes or masking my true feelings or disappointment so as not to hurt others. I can take the children out without a care in the world because everything and everyone I need is right before my eyes; they’re laughing and smiling ten times more than the usual beautiful amazing people that they’ve always been. And Gabriele has spent the past two nights sleeping all the way through. What has happened to my life!? It’s as if an angel has cast a spell over our home and everything is suddenly peaceful, light, calm and lifted. Everything is in order and in place ergonomically, the house is tidy, the children are wonderful and my heart doesn’t hurt, I feel happy. My world and life has found it’s balance and the scales have hit even for the first time ever.
I did and always will love Luca as the father of my child and I can truly put my hand on my heart and say that I am not sad or upset at all. I’m pinching myself to think is this some beautiful dream to take me away from my sorrow? But when I wake up after a perfect nights sleep to my smiling babies, immaculate home and the prospect of a productive and worthwhile day then I know I’ve found my balance point, I’ve found ‘me’. If anyone had said to me yesterday “Don’t cry you’ll be ok one day, time is a great healer.” I would have tried to smile through the tears and the tissues with a heavy heart, but I can honestly say I’ve both made and found my peace with our relationship and I know that this was for the best.
I was emotionally setting myself up for the long haul of loneliness and heartbreak, a painful uphill struggle for this time alone for the next several months or even years to come. I questioned how I would cope, who I was as a person and how I would grieve or be able to ever pick myself up again. But three days… three days! And my life is beautiful in every single way. I have the sparkle back in my eyes, the beat in my heart and a zest for life because of the love and drive that I get from my amazing children.
I wanted to share with you all my journey and emotions through my blog, not to make either side look good or bad or indifferent in what’s happened, but to be honest and open about what a break up involves for a single parent and the pains and fears you go through on the road to healing and rebuilding your world alone for your children. It nearly almost destroyed me to lose my soulmate, but in doing so it’s opened my heart to the world around me and everything I’m faced with is positive and inspiring and it’s cleansed me. I realise the friends and family I failed to see often enough, the things I loved most but held back on doing so as not to cause tension, and the days that I wanted to but didn’t take the children out because we rarely had the free time altogether to do it. Everything I now do is for me and the children and it’s happy, really, incredibly, beautifully happy. If you surround yourself with positive things then it’s impossible to feel anything less than on top of the world. I’m doing what I love to do with the people I love most in life and it’s like seeing the wonder of life for the first time. A great fog has been lifted, the struggling and heartache and rat race is gone and I’m incredibly humbled and in awe of how content I feel right now.
Not everything works out in life, but letting all the stress and tension go, setting it free and feeling that terrible weight melt away, getting up off the ground and standing with your face up to the sun and your arms wide open for the first time in years, it’s an epiphany and something I am truly grateful for. I can breath again, I can smile. I don’t think I would have taken that step and been able to break up a family regardless of how disappointed or unloved I felt, my heart would never let me do it to the children, but it’s the best thing that could have happened to us.
Luca and I can both continue to be happy and loving on our own, safe in the knowledge that our relationship as people has absolutely nothing to do with our ability to be fantastic parents to the children. Breaking up wasn’t a bad thing for us, I loved our life together but I’ve found such peace since we’ve been apart, and it was the peace I’d always been searching for but life was too hectic, stressed and clouded for me to find it until now. I have even more to juggle than before now that it’s just me and the children at home, but somehow it feels like less than half of the effort it’s ever taken in the past. It’s the realisation of what you need and what you want, and I have everything I could ever have dreamed of and more right now.
Happiness can’t be bought, it can’t be forced, it’s completely free and it stems from within; if you’re happy in yourself then you’ll be happy in your life and everything that you see, do and touch will simply flourish. I’m incredibly blessed to have reached this point in life, at the top of my mountain, I have found my true worth and I am inspired. And if my guardian angel is out there, divine intervention or whatever miracle that has just happened to me, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me this chance in life and the strength and love to get back up and carry on with my head held high and my children by my side. Life is so very short, please never waste a second. Whatever sadness you face and go through I promise you it will get better, there will be sunshine and you will find peace once again. I’m utterly shocked it only took me three days to recover from a five and a half year relationship and engagement, but it shows me now how unhappy I was and how easy it was to let go after the initial shock of it all. I am living proof that life does go on and you will find happiness, first by finding yourself and then by finding somebody who deserves you. So keep your chin up, know your worth and go out there and seize the day!
Just a day later I took a trip to the dentist and had my teeth cleaned to a perfect white ready for filming the reveal for my breast surgery on television. Despite the make up artist having to cover the bruising on my chest with powder, the smile on my face was impossible to hide. I had the most fantastic day working with such life changing people, caring, worthwhile amazing professionals who change lives on a daily basis and create futures. I literally glowed all day. Filming in the studio, speaking of the end of my surgery and the road I had walked and conquered, it was awe inspiring, humbling and liberating all at the same time.
As we stopped for lunch I joined the crew in the courtyard out in the gorgeous sunshine for a BBQ, music and drinks. It was so so hot, so cheerful and so bloody fantastic. It was almost the direct opposite of my life just days before and I knew then more than ever that I would be ok. I’m a strong and independent woman with a good heart and a passion for life.
Tucking into my pomegranate and goats cheese salad with a glass of ice water I looked up from the table to see an army of personal trainers and gym staff flood into the courtyard and within minutes we were feverishly in discussion about fitness and training.
Talking to the staff I proudly recounted how I’d undertaken the Insanity Workout and loved it so much that I was considering bodybuilding once I had healed from my surgery and I was surprised to be told that it wasn’t important how big your muscles get, or how pumped you look, it’s about taking care of your heart, being fit from within and creating a balanced lifestyle that is right for you. Well I never! I was honestly expecting the men to have a ruler in their pocket to pull out on location and measure their muscles and brag about how much they could bench press or how they solely live on eggs. But these guys are amazing, they’re fresh, their motivational and they look at the bigger picture.
The gym is fantastic, appealing to men and women, inviting, functional and for the benefit of the individual instead of a sweaty mass meat market. If only I didn’t live so many hours away I would have gone for a session right there and then. So if you’re local then check out their Facebook and Twitter pages and let me know what you think!
After a very successful long day of filming, driving home on a traffic free motorway in the balmy evening and sleeping like a log in my super King size bed, I’m now off out for a BBQ, some retail therapy and a few drinks in this gorgeous sun! Bliss doesn’t even come close. 🙂
Today I handed the children over to their grandparents for the weekend along with several bags of Luca’s belongings that were still scattered throughout the house. It is a week since this all happened and I look back now and think how crazy this has all been. But I don’t hate or blame Luca, as I can’t say that it was ever my dream in life to meet somebody and say “I so can’t wait to make you miserable for all of eternity” because clearly is isn’t. But the way I look at it all is like having a spot, which incidentally I did this morning; to start with it becomes tender, just like the turn in a relationship, and as it fills it starts to hurt, a bit like stress and arguments, but when it bursts the pain is over, thus is the heartache and you spend a bit of time pushing all of the crap out and making it sore and then it heals. Ideally I wish I didn’t have a spot today, but it was such a metaphorical experience to get rid of it and realise that life goes on and that spot won’t ever hurt me again. So there you go! Week one of eternity down, spot popped and each moment that passes is another moment of clarity and clear skin! Ha. Life eh!?
So for all of the single mothers, or single fathers even because it works both ways, who have no choice but to pick up the pieces and carry on with life, keep your chin up, you are not alone and it will get easier. This is the best thing that could ever happen to you and it clears the way for your true happiness. And if you need a good rant then drop me a line! Onwards and upwards, tomorrows another day and the past is over! x