Welcome to 2014 and might I say how lovely it is to finally see the back of 2013, what an horrendous and hurtful year that was! I have to confess I was just a little hungover come New Years Eve from the cheeky nights leading up to it and so I swore I wouldn’t drink anything stronger than water on the day. Needless to say, this wasn’t the case. I guess after all of the heartache and stress of this past year I wanted to send it off with a bang to make sure that it never came back, and at least I slept well after; every cloud and all that. Now that it is 2014 I am the epitome of health, the detox is underway, I’m drinking lots of water and banishing the sugary and unhealthy snacks and food from my diet, and I’m feeling so much better for it. Clean slate, clean start, clean mind.
Spending New Years Day with my children and family was blissful, as it marks the start of a new year with those you love most in life. Returning home after, I took down all of the Christmas decorations, packed them up in boxes and put them in the loft ready for next year. My home is beautifully tidy, in order and clean and there’s an uplifting freshness and sense of excitement for the year ahead from having cleared everything away.
After tucking the children into bed I nestled up on the sofa to watch the film Identity Thief and couldn’t stop laughing the whole way through. How refreshing it is to have some me time after the chaos of the holidays, I lost myself in it and really forgot about the stresses of life and it was just what I needed. With the Christmas decorations away the house seems so bare and sparse and I can’t help but wonder how different the world will be the next time that I take them out of the loft. In a year from now the possibilities of how life will have changed for the children and I after a whole year passes are mind-boggling. Will we still be a family of three or will we have found our number four? Could I be madly in love, married or pregnant with triplets even, in the same house or moving to another? Will we have another pet or likewise addition to our home? I just can’t imagine what lies in store for the children and I, but I do know that the next time I retrieve the decorations our lives will surely be very different.
I had a surprise telephone call from the local press today asking to write a piece about a surgery show, Extreme Beauty Disasters, that I had my breast replacement surgery and reconstruction on for Sky Discovery last year after my chest collapsed. It will air in the UK on January 9th at 8pm on TLC before being shown worldwide. Almost a year ago my life changed forever when I got a phone call from a TV company asking if I wanted to have surgery on Sky and now here I stand entirely rebuilt after three surgeries, as a single parent and stronger than I’ve ever been, who’d have thought it?
I’m looking forward to seeing the show go out and watching my surgery, which I was obviously unconscious for and in front of the camera as opposed to seeing it in the studio so I have no idea what to expect of the final cut! I hope that in sharing my journey of pain and suffering that it will encourage men and women to reconsider wanting to alter their bodies and to be happy with themselves from the inside out. True beauty comes from within, it shows in how we lead our lives and how we treat others and shouldn’t simply be based upon something as shallow as skin and makeup. I’m also expecting to receive mixed reviews from people, i.e my friends and family being pleased for me and trolls moaning about me showing my breasts on television.
No matter what you do in life, be it good or bad people will always pass judgement on you wrongly or rightly. I am sharing with the world a very personal and painful time that I’ve been through that will leave me open to criticism; criticism for having had my ‘unnecessary’ breast surgery so young, for receiving immediate private care when others suffering illness have frustratingly been on NHS waiting lists for years, and for showing my breasts on television as a mother. But for those who care to look deeper, you will see that I had naturally asymmetrical and uneven sized breasts before my surgery as a teenager, which I paid privately for myself, I didn’t burden the NHS with my condition. This is a condition which people have treated on the NHS after referrals from their doctors which I didn’t. My silicone implants turned out to be PIP made from non-medical grade material which was fraudulently used across Europe and hid from public knowledge; my breasts changed over my eight years of having them and caused me a great deal of pain and suffering and are questioned over causing death in some patients and increasing the risk of cancer. At the age of twenty-five I had my entire chest scraped out, removed and rebuilt, like that of a cancer patient, and it was done so again away from the NHS and taxpayers money. My having surgery hasn’t delayed anyone else’s treatment, it hasn’t used resources and funds meant for those with illness. And in showing my surgery, and breasts on television I am hoping my story will raise awareness for others, to warn them of the dangers and steer them from the same path that I took as a teenager. So as a parent I find this a worthwhile experience and I am very thankful to those who helped me through this and made my recovery possible. I will be releasing my blog about the three surgeries which I wrote throughout my treatment with pictures of before, after, healing and information. I also have a Youtube video diary which will go out at the same time, showing the behind the scenes from in hospital that the television didn’t capture, and when I returned to collect my PIP implants which are now super-glued in a frame triumphantly to my toilet wall as my survivor trophy. For those who still wish to moan about me and criticise my decisions, I have a fabulous pair of new heels you’re welcome to try on and break in for me on a nice uphill climb which your calves will absolutely adore, so please be my guest.
The final door that I have left to close on the heartache that was 2013 is to watch the surgery show go out which was filmed when I was still engaged before my ex-fiance left. I know that he will be shown giving his opinion on wanting to see me safe and well, and that there will be shots of us walking, holding hands and playing with our daughter and baby son. How weird that’s going to be to see it now. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that five days after I left hospital he walked out on us and I filmed my reveal a few days later having not slept or eaten, heartbroken and confused. But thankfully life has now moved on, every last part of him has been erased yet this delayed reminder is about to happen and I know that I have to face it and put it to rest. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my head around how anyone you’ve ever loved could watch you suffering in such a way and then walk out without warning or reason. Of all of the times and places, why then? Why me? I feel as though I’d been living a lie without knowing, to have believed my life was one way engaged for almost six years with children, being safe and looked after as I went through a huge surgery and then to realise it was the complete opposite, waking up alone the following morning in a bare house, covered in bandages and too weak to walk. It was the ultimate betrayal of my trust at such a difficult time when I needed him the most. But life is a funny thing and it’s each to their own, I can’t say I’m mad at him for being unhappy with me because everyone has the choice to lead the life that they choose, but I hate what he did to me and how he went about it. When I eventually meet the big guy up in the sky we’ll be having words over this for sure, no doubt over a bottle of Sherry with my thousand cats in tow. Did somebody say spinster? Ahem.
Well it’s now six months since I had my last surgery and I’m thankfully back to full health. My life is on track and I’m me again, healed and happy. I feel as though I’m stood at a cross roads in life as I begin this new year, I’m not sure where I want to be, what I want to do and what I expect of this year, but I know that I want everything and I want it right now please. I want to make 2014 all that it can be, to achieve my dreams and make this year bigger and better than ever; but quite how and when I bring this to fruition I’m not sure. Deep down I so badly want to trust my heart again, I want to feel happy, safe and secure with somebody who cares about me and treats me with respect and shaves my legs for me in the bath. Or not! Just to know that I have a future with someone who won’t hurt and leave me at the first sign of immaturity. But at the same time I don’t know if I could ever feel safe with anyone because there’s always going to be that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that whenever I’m blissfully happy then it’s just a matter of time before it all falls apart again and everything disappears in the blink of an eye. Like a jilted bride at the alter, I have been burned and feel completely blind and dumb to it all. I see no way of restoring my faith in finding a soulmate, yet all I’ve ever wanted is to be loved.
Boo hoo I must sound like a right moaning Minnie right now, but I really don’t mean to be. I guess I’m just confused, like when you’re about to tuck into a giant Sunday roast dinner, you’ve got your napkin tucked in your jumper, your cutlery sharpened and your plate piled high with food, then you get that moment where you sit back and think wow, where do I start!? I’m getting that moment over life now I think, so much lies ahead of me, I know what I want, I just can’t decide where to begin and the best route to take to get there; but I know that I’ll eventually end up where I need to be, there’s just so many ways I could go about it.
One thing I have decided on though is to try my next workout challenge, as it’s coming up for a month since I finished P90X after having relaxed over Christmas with lots of naughty treats and huge portions of pudding. I like to remain focused and driven and exercise gives me that. It’s almost a pleasure pain relationship for me; I take pleasure from feeling good and being in shape and I enjoy the feeling of pushing myself, being out of breath and breaking through the wall of a gruelling workout. I’m umm’ing and ahh’ing over which challenge to undertake right now, but as the new P90X3 has just been released I’m thinking that may be my weapon of choice! Monday seems a nice time to begin as it’s only a couple of days away and balances my calendar nicely.
Millie returns to school on Monday as the Christmas holidays have come to an end and life is finally restored. The sweets and late nights will be replaced by homework and routines, back to reality with a bump. To think that in just six months Millie will have completed her second year of big school is absolutely insane. It’s true what they say, after you leave school your life just flies by, months feel like days and years pass in the blink of an eye. We’re not as immortal as we feel.