My poor little Millie has had chicken pox for the past week now, and it has literally covered her entire body, her arms, legs, face, torso, head, feet and fingers. I telephoned the school to say that she was unwell and to ask when I should expect to send her back in, as although her pox were out, some of them hadn’t finished scabbing over. The school advised I could send her in as soon as the scabs were out, but the poor little thing has them all under her feet and in between her toes so that she can’t wear shoes, and unfortunately the school won’t allow her to wear flip-flops for health and safety reasons. She’d also been walking around in her underwear the entire time at home until today, as she’s been covered in lotion and keeping cool to try and reduce the itching, the thought of a stiff school shirt, collar and cuffs would be unbearable on her skin. It’s horrible seeing her pretty little face covered in those scabs and blisters, I just wish i could make it go away for her. My precious flower.
We found a couple of tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda in a cool bath really helped to soothe her spots and she loved splishing about and playing in the water until she wrinkled into a prune. I was totally expecting her brother Gabriele to catch chicken pox too and come out a few days after Millie did, but he seems to have avoided them this time around. Not that I want him to be unwell, but I would rather him get them out of the way when he is young and less fussed than in several years time. Thankfully Millie is getting better by the day but still has some way to go until she’s back to normal, at least when it’s over with she’ll never have to get it again.
After last weeks soul searching about my two year old son Gabriele’s emotional behaviour each time that he goes to stay with his dad, we decided to change his routine to give him reassurance and more time at home. Gabriele has been going to his dads on a Sunday overnight for the past year since he left us, and each time he returns home he becomes extremely clingy with me, cries if I try to stand up or walk into another room, and throws tantrums and goes off of his food if I so much as let go of his hand. Basically he was reverting from a confident and somewhat independent toddler when I hand him over, into a frustrated and very emotional baby for days on end when he comes home. I was told that he would get used to being raised in two different homes with time, as he was just a year old when I became a single parent, but he has never adjusted and sadly he is only getting worse for separation anxiety each time that he goes away. I wanted to be fair to both sides, so I did exactly what was asked of me and let him go, even though as his mother I didn’t think that he was ready or old enough to be away from home at the time. I only want what’s best for Gabriele and for that reason I gave the situation the benefit of the doubt, but now it’s time to hold my hands up and say hey this isn’t working, we gave it a try now let’s do something about it.
It is so hard to raise a young child with an ex-fiance, because no matter what I say or do, others will always automatically stick their nose in and presume that I’m doing it strictly to get a reaction from my ex and cause a scene. If I go out for dinner and dress up nice then it’s obviously not because I’m hungry, but because I’m trying desperately to make him jealous. If I go to a place where we’d once been together it’s not because I wanted or needed something from there, it’s because I’m obviously stalking him out and hoping to bump into him. And if I disagree with any aspect of raising our child, it’s certainly not because I care about my son, I just want to use my baby as a weapon. Just incase my sarcasm wasn’t blindingly evident there, in no way do I do anything of the sort, as my attention, focus and actions are based purely on the benefit of my children. I can’t help that people love to cause trouble, and there will always be someone putting in their two cents and playing a game of chinese whispers; I can only do right by my children and get on with my life whilst turning a blind eye to trouble makers by not give them my attention. When it comes to communicating about family matters I speak only to my ex, because it really doesn’t concern anybody else. I don’t do it to force him to see me, I don’t try to get us back together and I don’t make him feel bad; we simply address each issue, find a solution and work out an action plan that we are both happy with and to hell with what others think or presume. So long as we’re both singing from the same hymn sheet then the children will know where they stand and all is fine. Regarding Gabriele’s concerning behaviour we both agreed that he was too young to be away from home for the weekend because it’s just too long, and although he may be out having fun whilst he’s away, there comes a point when he will feel tired or need a hug and realise that he wants his Mummy and his own bed, not anyone or anything else but his home and his routine and what he knows best. It’s not to offend or discredit anyone, but to realise that as a child Gabriele has needs, and that comes first over any others. He needs his familiar routine, his home and his structure which works great for us throughout the week, but then it’s frustratingly thrown into chaos at weekends when he stays away.
We therefore agreed that Gabriele would be better off coming home sooner, but that his dad should still like to see him for the same amount of time so as not to miss out, which he can do in Gabriele’s home environment. So when Gabriele has been away and gets cold feet wanting to return home, he needn’t worry because he’s already here earlier and hopefully this way we can avoid his separation anxiety from building to such an extent as a result. We instigated this at the weekend just gone, and he arrived home a few hours earlier than usual. He still showed signs of emotional frustration and clinginess when he first saw me and stuck to me like a magnet, but not for as long or as bad as usual. He was soon happy to play with Millie, have a few nibbles, stroke his pets and then we walked to the park down by the woods to play before bed time.
Something as simple as Gabriele walking to the park with his mum, dad and sister was such an eye-opening experience for him, and it’s possibly how I would have behaved if I’d have been told as a child that I could have an entire box of chocolates for breakfast. He was absolutely over the moon and couldn’t believe his luck and I forget how special it must be to him because as far as he must remember it’s always been just the three of us as he was a baby when his dad left. He has a bottle of milk twice a day, one after his breakfast in the morning, and one after his dinner before bed, and as he asked for his milk before going out and hadn’t finished yet it, he took it with him, holding it with his hand whilst walking. When he realised that we were all there together he was adamant that he wanted to hold all of our hands at once, and let his bottle swing between his teeth as he kept hold of his dad and I, and then his sister and I, refusing to lose grip. So we shuffled along like clumsy penguins in a line to the park, and he was so sweet and thoughtful, holding open the gate to the entrance calling out all of our names like a register as we came past before closing it behind us and toddling across to the swings. The children ran around, giggling, smiling and playing together as his dad and I sat on a bench to watch.
It was such a relief to see Gabriele being his usual carefree and happy self again, as it had been troubling me ever since the separation that he was getting more and more distressed from being away from his sister and I at weekends and I knew something had to change but didn’t want to make matters worse. There we were in our local park, just the four of us, as the children played happily on a gorgeous summer evening. A year ago we were in the exact same place, pushing Gabriele in his pram and planning our wedding, and now here we were like complete strangers in a life and time that no longer existed. As a mother I was so happy to see the children content and knew that we’d made the right decision to limit his time away from home, subconsciously high-fiving myself in acknowledgement that Gabriele’s behaviour can in fact improve, and it was a giant leap forwards. But as a woman I sat there thinking “how bloody strange is this!?” sitting on a bench like I was suddenly in the garden of a house I once lived in. I knew it, but it was the same yet different because it wasn’t anything to do with me anymore. When I look at my ex now I feel… nothing. I’m not happy to see him, but I’m not sad either. I don’t get angry nor hopeful. It’s like passing your postman in the street, a polite nod and a smile as your paths cross and then you both go on with your day unfazed. And we sat there like strangers, politely on either end of the bench, sitting bolt upright watching the children and doing exactly what it said on the tin; taking Gabriele to the park.
It’s so odd to think how time changes things. How somebody you once saw everyday and planned the rest of your life with suddenly becomes a complete stranger and sits next to you completely void; we’re not friends, we’re not enemies, we’re just strangers with a young child together. Songs on the radio that once used to make me sad now make me laugh and I turn them right up, sing along and do the embarrassing hand actions and everything to boot. Seeing families out in public used to break my heart before, but now I smile and think how sweet they look as I skip past hand-in-hand with my two beautiful children and we all cheer “hello” in unison. Life is so unpredictable isn’t it? But I’m incredibly happy for that, because the children and I are in such a better and more wonderful, happy place because of it. And when I see my ex it does absolutely nothing to my mood nor emotions anymore. And I thank God for that, because it used to make me feel so hurt and angry over the way that he went about doing what he did. Now I just think oh well, shit happens, at least it was over with quickly yet painfully, like pulling a plaster that gets little hairs caught in it, it’s not ideal but it’s better once it’s gone. There comes a time in everyones life when the number of people around you decrease in size, yet the ones who remain will evidently increase in value because eventually we all realise who our true loved ones really are. Those who prove themselves to you and are there through thick and thin are totally priceless, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I don’t dwell on the life and people that I lost anymore, because it won’t make my tomorrow any easier, and it will only serve to take away todays peace and happiness. It wasn’t meant to be so you just move on and get on with it, you can’t please other people if they disagree with everything that you love, stand for and believe in in life. I’m a motivated, positive and healthy person and I wear my heart on my sleeve, bend over backwards for the people I love and try my hardest to help those who need me and ask for my help; for some I guess that’s too much, too energetic and too open. But you always have to be true to yourself in life and I’d much rather be around people who care about the children and I instead of living half a life and constantly clashing with others. It’s just the three of us now no matter what, and I know that we’ll always be there for one another until the end of time and it fills my heart with so much love and happiness that life could throw a freight load of spanners at me and it would never shake or destroy what we have. There is no greater thing than love.
I’ve had my Six Month Smile braces for almost a month now and had to pop back to my dentist the other day unexpectedly when one of my brackets broke off of my tooth. After having it reattached and feeling a little tender for the rest of the day, I’m now back to normal, talking and eating fine and counting down the days until I can have perfectly straight, bright white teeth. Only five more months! I’ve also just completed my second week of Beachbody’s Focus T25 Alpha which is a fitness program from America and it’s totally whipped me into shape, I love it! Exercise not only heals my body, but also my mind and it helps to release anger and frustration as well as giving me buns of steel.
I’ve also started fashion blogging which has been great fun as I’ve been fortunate to have blogged about some really cool pieces and trends so far and am excited about projects coming up. I always like to try new things and widen my experience, and although I’ve always worn clothes, as well as just underwear quite frequently, I’ve always admired super fashionable and stylish people who dress impeccably and look a million dollars. Victoria Beckham get the kettle on girl, I’ll bring the cookies!