This week I woke to a tingling and felt incredibly excited but I didn’t know why. Almost like the night before Christmas when you’re so hyped up and unable to sleep. It felt like something amazing was approaching and the countdown to it happening had begun, but I didn’t know what ‘it’ was. The sun was shining and I brimmed with effervescent enthusiasm the second that I opened my eyes. And it was then that an imagine came into my mind and for some inexplicable reason I knew I had to do something about it. You know when you just get that feeling that something is steering you and all you can do is follow curiously? All traffic lights turn green and every door leads you in that direction like the mouthwatering scent of a kitchen that your nose can’t help but follow. So I picked up the phone and booked an appointment at a tattoo studio.
Now I don’t get tattoo’s lightly as I had my first one very young and probably should have waited and made a better choice. But what I have is what makes me who I am today. I have five tattoos in total, one on my lower back, two on my hips and both my children’s dates of birth on my wrist. The last time I had a tattoo was two years ago to add my son’s birth date, and prior to that it was almost seven years ago to add my daughters. So it’s extremely rare that I am as tattoo impulsive as I felt today.
So why get a tattoo and why now? The imagine that came into my mind was a band of curling fluid, like when water twists down a plug and you watch it swirl and twist, but this was in a pair twisting into one. I had only just woken in my bright white bedroom, where I have nothing to resemble or inspire me to think of this shape at all. I just felt electric as I visualised it. And it probably sounds insanely random, but I became so excited just thinking about it that I reached for my phone and googled “what is the meaning of an endless loop?” and Wikipedia told me:
“An infinite loop (also known as an endless loop or unproductive loop) is a sequence of instructions in a computer program which loops endlessly, either due to the loop having no terminating condition, having one that can never be met, or one that causes the loop to start over.”
I then searched the definition of infinity:
“The state or quality of being infinite. “the infinity of space” synonyms: endlessness, infinitude, infiniteness, boundlessness, limitlessness, unlimitedness, extensiveness, vastness, immensity; infinite distance. “She stared out into the infinity of space”
And then it hit me, when I tell my children that I love them I say “forever and always to the moon and back” and even typing this now I have goosebumps and feel a lump forming in my throat. I tell them to reach for the stars, to achieve their dreams and never give up on what they believe in. To live and love and lead their life to the full, spreading peace and harmony and helping others because we must lead by example and give without the intent to receive something in return. Suddenly I realised that everything that I feel and believe in falls into this one humble symbol. I have never seen it before, and I had no idea that it even existed or I’m sure I would have been drawn to it far sooner than now. And it also serves as a reminder to me, that no matter what you go through in life, the highs and the lows, the ups and the downs, your soul is unbreakable, never ending and ever present. There is no end and no beginning, there just ‘is’. I don’t necessarily see this as one specific meaning or even religion, but I just feel it so wholeheartedly within me for what infinity is. It makes my hair stand on end and I wish I could put it into words and show you what this is like because it’s incredible. It is the love that I have for my children, eternal and boundless and this is why I chose to have it tattoo’d onto my wrist below their dates of birth.
I absolutely love the freedom of choice, to want something and to go out there and get it. I don’t have to ask anybodies permission, I don’t have to worry about what other people may think or whether they will agree with me or like it. I just do what I please when I please and it puts the biggest smile ever on my face. I can seriously see me being a defiant and rebellious spinster for the rest of my life because of it, but once you get a taste of the blue skies you never want to go back in the cage again!
This week the weather has been crazy with storms, rain and strong winds knocking down trees and causing havoc with our days out. We’d planned walks, picnics and trips to the park and had to cancel because of the constant sunshine and showers, with it being hot one moment and hammering it down with rain the next. So we’ve had an incredibly crafty week instead. Whilst shopping I chose the children some art books as a nice surprise, with pop out dolls that you dress up in clothes, pictures that you paint with just water, sticker books, stories and colouring charts to keep the children busy for the next four years at least. I also got Millie a mobile making kit for which she made a pretty butterfly chime for her room, decorating, cutting and stringing it altogether herself which she was very proud of. We then went on to create a bubble bath piece of art for our hallway to brighten up the house which the children loved making.
I get so excited designing and making things with the children as art and craft is a great activity that can really nourish little ones creativity and inspiration. To be able to instil passion and patience at a young age is a lifelong skill that can benefit so many aspects of adulthood. When we start a project together Millie is always so delicate and careful, taking care to do everything properly and make her work look the best that it can be. But as time passes and she begins to get tired or bored she has a tendency to try to finish it quickly and cut corners, exactly as I did at her age. Like when we were cutting bubbles out for our family frame, they started off as perfect circles but ended up choppy and octagonal instead. I explained to Millie that if a job is worth doing in the first place then it’s worth doing well or not at all, as with our piece of artwork we wanted to decorate our home and keep it for many many years, so it would be best to take our time and make it look as nice as possible. If we rush it and cut corners then we would forever see the mistakes and lack of effort, so when Millie got tired of cutting out bubbles we stopped for marshmallows and warm milk instead and took a break before carrying on. And when Millie returned to it she was just as enthusiastic as when she first started. I gave her the option to stop and let me finish it off but she chose to carry on with me and together we created something so meaningful and pretty, and she learnt a valuable lesson about quality and effort at the same time.
Gabriele never ceases to amaze me with his unpredictable behaviour, as almost a month ago he randomly asked to go to the toilet on his potty and did a wee just like that for the first time ever leaving me gobsmacked. I then encouraged him to use his potty, keeping his nappy off and following him around, but after days of persistence, a million little accidents and a stone-dry potty, I realised that his first activity had been a fluke and that he wasn’t quite ready to potty train so I backed off.
A few weeks have passed since we last mentioned the ‘P’ word and he’s only gone and done it again, when today he said “Mummy, Gabriele wee-wee potty please” and I put his potty infront of him, he oddly climbed on backwards, sat down and did a wee. I was so excited that me and Millie jumped around him in circles clapping hands and singing a “Gabriele did a wee-wee” song off the cuff. Gabriele was so pleased with himself that he clapped his chubby hands together, grinned from ear to ear and danced around naked with little bits wobbling everywhere. It seems the more that I try to encourage Gabriele to use his potty the harder it becomes, but when I don’t mention it or make any reference to it at all, that’s when he does it. It’s like the opposite of potty training almost, but let’s hope that we continue to not try a little more often. I don’t want to ever be one of those pushy mums who put pressure on their children and leave them feeling stressed out and disappointed, so the health, happiness and well-being of my babies will always come first. I do however offer to lend a guiding hand should they need it, but it seems Gabriele moves forward more quickly when left to his own devices. I shall hide my saucepans and hats just incase!
I visited the dentist this week to have my braces adjusted as I am two and a half months into my Six Month Smile treatment to correct the alignment of my teeth. I’ve become completely accustomed to having brackets and wires all over my teeth now that I don’t even notice it. My jaw no longer aches, my teeth are straightening so quickly and I no longer speak like I’ve got a dribbly gobstopper candy in my mouth which is a bonus. I love making little cosmetic tweaks here and there, and after my teeth are complete in another three months I’ll be looking into some other bits and pieces. Nothing too major as I’m embracing my natural body, hair and nails and much prefer the casual low-maintenance look that I’ve adopted these past several months. But with my birthday being less than two months away I feel like trying something new, I just haven’t decided what yet.
I’m just getting over my period and it’s incredible how much it effects me. I have a hormone imbalance which means that I suffer very painful and heavy cycles, sorry for the mental imagine there, and I always get an outbreak of spots around the same time every month because of my hormone levels being so high. It also effects my mood and the smallest things can make me snappy and short tempered. Not in a nasty way, but I certainly get period road rage, feel tired and weak, achy and in pain and generally don’t want to do everything and be everywhere because I should be curled up in bed with a hot water bottle and DVD. But being a single parent means that when I’m ill, in pain or suffering I don’t get the luxury of sheer exhausted bed rest, as I still have to carry on relentlessly day and night, twenty-four-seven. I guess when I have my period I get to the point where everything is a chore and I crave sleep even when standing up.
Whilst having my wires reattached at the dentist I almost fell asleep in the chair this week and could feel myself drifting off just minutes after I was reclined for my hour long appointment. And when I walk between rooms I bumble into door frames and forget what I went in for. I talk to people and can’t remember what I needed to tell them and hilariously repeat what I’d said just moments before like some crazy goldfish, and I generally spend an entire week each month living on the moon. Fortunately when my cycle finishes my brain makes its way back up my spine and into my head again so that I can concentrate and get everything back on track, playing catch up with my life and battening down the hatches ready for next months rendezvous with Mother Nature. But it goes to show what your body is capable of, for three weeks in a row I am on form, sharp, efficient and pneumatic, followed by a week of being a clumsy potato, and I’m suddenly transported into a strange incapable identical twin of myself. Silly things make me cry and I want to crouch over and curl up into a ball like an old decrepit vulture. From bodybuilding to balling up. If only there were a way to alter our DNA to remove the weaknesses and imbalances that suppress us, imagine the power and ability we would have. I’m sure in another couple of decades periods will be a thing of the past and babies will be grown on trees for the world to see. The possibilities of the future are endless and I wish I could live forever to experience it all. It’s insane to think how far we have come in the past hundred years from the days of the Titanic to the technology of today. I would love to be a fly on the wall in another hundred years time just to see what it’s like. Do you see what just happened here? Mother Nature just led me off on a tangent again, what were we talking about?