Sapiosexual Dating: How to Find and Date Someone Who Loves Your Brain

The term “sapiosexual” has been around for quite a while now and is something that run deeps within me, but it has only recently become more mainstream on social media, hence why I wanted to address it here. If you’re not familiar with the term, sapiosexuality is the sexual attraction to intelligence. For sapiosexuals, a person’s intellect is just as important as their physical appearance when it comes to finding a partner, and for me, I quite frankly couldn’t seriously date eventhe hottest man in this world without the ability to have deep and meaningful conversation and aspirations for the future as individuals or a couple.

Typically, being an old soul with a responsibility of parenthood and multiple businesses, I find dating a few years or more above my own age is the sweet spot for male maturity as having settled down young and having two children, I recognise that not many within my generation are as far into their life journey and progress as I am.

Sapiosexual Dating

I’ve made many attempts over the years to feel satisfied and wholly fulfilled by a lustful relationship with a partner who watches cartoons, plays video games everyday, spends hours gazing lovingly into a mirror at themselves and has their laundry and meals still managed by their mother; but no amount of oxytocin or toe-curling in the bedroom has ever been able to make up for a lack of intellectual interests and mental stimulation lacking in a superficial beau.

We are undoubtedly attracted by the instant appreciation of a persons appearance, to be physically our type or not, but as soon as somebody opens their mouth and swears, lights up a cigarette or makes multiple spelling errors in a message I instantly dry up, switch off and lose all interest in pursuing a romantic relationship.

That is not to say that having a hungry mind, busy thoughts and unquenchable thirst for progress in life can’t be balanced slightly by somebody who doesn’t think about the future past what to eat for dinner, isn’t concerned with the economy because they have no financial security and doesn’t know their Chopin from a protein shaker brand as moderation can help us all to find a more healthy balance, as in some cases opposites not only attract but thrive.

However, if somebody is too laid back, unconcerned by the miracle of existence and perhaps turns to smoking, drinking, comfort eating, gambling and living for the weekend in order to feel heightened emotion, then much like a fast-food takeaway, it may be a nice treat every once in a while, but if you have it everyday you soon get sick of it and crave something healthy, nutritious and ultimately substantial for your soul.

In a world of convenience it seems that real substance is in short supply and I refuse to lower my standards and expectations in both my diet and matters of the heart simply to make the best of what’s available. Instead I believe we should be the change that we wish to see and encourage a compassionate elevation of society and relationships instead of lowering our standards, and ultimately self-worth and value, for the sake of being in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship or environment which will not end well for all who are involved.

Being a lover of fitness and philosophy, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve had a partner join me for a workout at the gym and tell me that they feel insecure a muscle-bound hunk or celebrity may look at me or slide into my DM’s to sweep me off of my feet and leave them unexpectedly heart broken. Whilst I find a dedication to fitness, health, personal hygiene and pursuing a career that somebody is truly passionate about desirable, if the mind and soul cannot back up the magnificent body or bank balance then they may as well be a table or lamp for the likelihood of catching my attention. Secondly, I have never and will never trade one partner for the next – if a relationship is unfulfilling then I will considerately leave and close the door before considering opening the next.

Success, financial status and power to me are another fine line. I don’t care for people who finance nice cars whilst counting the pennies for their weekly food shop. Nor do I need to date a CEO to take selfies on their yacht to pretend that it’s mine. You can be down to earth whilst leading a life that is out of this world. I appreciate hard work, goal setting, progress and striving to achieve my dreams which typically manifests itself as success in business and doesn’t have to be displayed in material possessions, bragging or showing off – often those who show the most usually have the least yet try so hard to convince everyone otherwise.

You can have a large bank balance from years of planning, saving, smart investments and financial security without buying a supercar, living in a mansion or only wearing designer clothes and drinking champagne for breakfast to share on social media. My soul craves the humanity of a cup of green tea, barefoot with my children and dogs, eating a home cooked healthy meal discussing enlightenment whether I am beside a camp fire in a field or sat besides the hearth of a stately home. Riches and material possessions come and go but the soul of an individual is immortal and that is what’s truly unique and most valuable in this world. Everyone and their aunt can look like Kim Kardashian if they really want to these days, but only one woman can think, feel and actually be her.

I see a lot of people chasing the ideal physical appearance of a partner – tall, slim, good looking etc. – and when the personality fails to hit the mark they simply switch the body for the next identical clone that fits that specific look in the hope that this bizarre flesh roulette will produce a favourable outcome eventually. How many times have you asked your partner what their type is and they tell you they don’t have one, only to discover that their ex’s are so incredibly similar in appearance to yourself that you could be mistaken for siblings or cousins?

It isn’t the temporarily youthful, mortal, physical appearance that we should seek, but every aspect of an individual which cannot be purchased, duplicated, impersonated nor touched by time – for me the mind and soul are far more important than any superficial measurement. But equally a part of me craves physical chemistry and it’s not enough to be just smart, just hard working, just secure or just who somebody says they are – they also have to be just what I’m looking for in order to be the right match for me and vice versa. We cannot expect somebody that we find irresistible in every possible way to feel just as enthusiastic about our appearance, personality or lifetime achievements. Therefore the balance has to be just right, and the stars perfectly aligned, in order to have a mutual respect, appreciation and love for one another as opposed to the somewhat one-sided, disingenuous and disrespectful unions that masquerade as relationships in todays society before ultimately imploding.

The only way that I could explain dating somebody who isn’t a sapiosexual would be for me to compare it to buying your dream car and having to keep it locked in a garage, never to see daylight or be turned on, driven, accelerated or let loose on the unobstructed open road. It would be the ultimate anti-climax to a relationship, such wasted potential to only be physically stimulated which is not a scratch on mental stimulation, or the holy grail of beauty and brains.

So, if like me you’re a sapiosexual, you may therefore be wondering how on earth you can find and date someone who truly loves your brain just as much as you love theirs; it is no mean feat in todays world of online dating and millisecond swiping, but there is somebody suitable for us all, you simply have to refine your search terms and identify precisely what you’re looking for in a partner.

My Top Tips For Sapiosexual Dating

  1. Be upfront about your sapiosexuality. If you’re on a dating app or website then make sure to mention it in your profile. This will help you attract people who are on the same wavelength as you and filter out those who are more focused on the surface.
  2. Look for people who are passionate about learning. I find myself drawn to people who are curious and always learning new things whether that is multiple languages, interesting hobbies, travel or business. It’s all about asking people about their interests and what they’re passionate about so that you can scratch beneath the surface and see how deep their mind goes.
  3. Talk about your hopes, dreams and ideas and immerse yourself in stimulating conversations with people. Don’t be afraid to get philosophical or discuss current world events, even on a date. You’ll soon be able to sound out how knowledgable and open-minded a potential suitor is.
  4. Be yourself. I’m massively attracted to people who are intelligent and authentically themselves without trying to sell me a dream, pretending to be something that they’re not or apologising for being an individual with a mind of their own. We should never feel forced into portraying ourselves as somebody we are not, as eventually the mask will slip and trust will be lost. Just be yourself and let your intelligence and personality shine through.

Dating as a whole in 2023 can be extremely challenging, but it’s also incredibly rewarding to find a diamond in the rough and establish a deep and meaningful connection to somebody who matches your vibrations. When you find someone who loves your brain as much as you love theirs, you’ll have a connection that’s truly special and has the potential to stand the test of time long after the pert, pretty and youthful attractions of the flesh have given way to grey hair, wrinkles and wobbly bits.

Steps To Take For Sapiosexual Dating:

  • Find online dating sites or apps that cater to sapiosexuals. There are a number of these sites available, such as SapioMatch and Lex.
  • Attend events or meetups that are geared towards intelligent people. This could include book clubs, lecture series, or even just a local pub quiz.
  • Be open to meeting people from different backgrounds and experiences. Sapiosexuals are often drawn to people who have different perspectives and can challenge their thinking.
  • Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Sapiosexuals can spot a fake from a mile away. So, just be yourself and let your intelligence shine through. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Common Misconceptions About Sapiosexuality:

  • Sapiosexuals are only attracted to people who are book smart. This is not true. Sapiosexuals are attracted to all types of intelligence including emotional intelligence, social intelligence, and creative intelligence.
  • Sapiosexuals are snobs. This is also not true. Sapiosexuals simply value intelligence as an important quality in a partner. They don’t necessarily look down on people who aren’t as intelligent as they are, I simply feel uninspired to persue a relationship with anybody who isn’t on the same page as me.
  • Sapiosexuality is a new trend. This is not true. The term “sapiosexual” has been around for decades, but it has only recently become more mainstream. The more that we discuss it the more conscious society can become of it.

If you’re a sapiosexual, don’t be afraid to embrace your identity. There are plenty of other sapiosexuals out there who are looking for a partner who shares their values. So, put yourself out there and start dating! I for one wholeheartedly welcome your contribution to raising the standards of the modern dating pool. If all else fails and your quest should prove fruitless, then let us hold onto the notion that AI will continue to advance so that we may one day choose an immensely intellectual robotic spouse attuned to our every want, need and desire!

What are your thoughts on this subject? Please feel free to leave them in the comment box below…


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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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