Day 6

Today I am not white, I no longer look like the undead, I’m not in any pain but my heartache is being held together by a fragile plaster of hope, for now. My blood test is this morning and I feel like I’m not prepared, that I haven’t had enough time to be ready for the deadline that faces me. The numbers that have begun to control my life sit like a lottery in the back of my mind and I pray that I can be given hope and help today. At the doctors a nurse begins to take my blood and asks me if it hurts, and I don’t even care for once, I don’t even blink, the needle that I once feared so badly is the smallest of worries to me now as if she could have been drawing a picture on me with a pen instead. I haven’t bled yet, just a tiny fleck when I wiped which may be down to me having laid in bed all night and it not having had a chance to come out yet. She told me that sometimes people naturally have low hormones in pregnancy and can still be fine, but it is very rare and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I don’t know what I feel now, I’ve gone through every emotion and back again, I don’t have the answers that I need, I’m living in limbo, but for now it is better than being in a darker place, and if time will help me then I want to give it as much time as I can.

When I came home I was desperate to go to the toilet, and I pushed a little harder than I would normally for the time that I had to hold it in for. There was blood this time, but it is turning brown, which I hope will be an end to the bleeding, I pray there will be no more heartache and I can rest. I want to love and hold my baby so badly that nothing else on earth matters like it used to. They said I must now wait two days to hear the results, but I asked that they mark it as urgent and there is the possibility I could know by tomorrow if all goes to plan. I want to know so desperately, but at the same time I want to keep this hope and naivety for one last day.

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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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