Day 7

I’ve been looking online again today for more answers, I so badly want to understand what is happening and the signs to watch out for if the worst should come at any time. I wanted to see it altogether in front of me laid out so that I can be logical and bring peace of mind to what is happening. When I was researching I found almost by accident some ladies who had had the same low hormone levels as me and it was because they were pregnant with boys. It made my heart skip a beat to read it and it really has filled me with so much hope as the pieces are beginning to fit together. The bleeding is turning a brown colour and is only ever there when I wipe so it may thankfully be coming to an end. I’ve also been endlessly checking pregnancy diaries week by week to try and estimate how far I am, and I think just at around the seven week mark it said that you may experience cramping as the uterus adjusts. The body symptoms they say of sore breasts, weight change, tender stomach and veins I have been experiencing for some weeks already so I really am lost as I don’t think I could be a couple of months, but I guess it could be possible.

I’m booked at the hospital to have more bloods taken and a scan tomorrow morning if all goes well. I’m still awaiting my second set of bloods back as my first in the hospital on Sunday measured 22 which they said was too low to continue but is the same as the woman who was having and gave birth to a happy little boy. Reassuringly at the hospital the lady on reception said she also had cramps and bleeding early on that went away, but had her scan to confirm a heartbeat first so they didn’t inform her of hormones at all. I’m just hoping tomorrow they will find a heartbeat and it will go some way to lift a great weight off of my shoulders.
For now I am on total rest, and can only get up to go to the toilet let alone think about chores or going to work. In a way it makes me feel like I am doing all I can to make sure I give this little one has the best chance, but it also leaves me with so much time and space to think about it 24/7 which I know isn’t healthy. The doctors said not to worry about it and to distract myself with other things, if only I could.

Just after lunch time I had a call that my results were back and my doctor broke the news, my levels had dropped to 7 and as that was from when my bloods were taken a few days ago they’d probably be gone by now completely. I would have already lost the baby shortly after I left hospital three days ago, but I had no pain and didn’t notice anything which suggests that the baby had never properly formed and begun to develop as it should have. I was so happy to see the blood disappearing and keeping the baby safe inside me, but in actual fact it was because there was nothing left to come out. I cried a little after I heard the news and I’m crying my eyes out now as I’m writing this, I keep staring into space just empty from these last few days. My legs are weak from having rested too long and I feel rubbish and down although I suspect that it’s all in my head and heart and not that there is anything wrong any more.

This afternoon I cleaned my whole house from top to bottom and did some gardening, it rained again today just as it had done at the hospital when this all began. In a way it has given me closure, like the darkness has lifted and now my heart is free again. I’m crippled by the loss and I think a part of me forever will be, but at the same time I am happy that our baby didn’t come into the world suffering and struggling and needing constant medical attention all of its life. It is kinder this way, even though it hurts me now. I know that if love alone could have saved my baby then it would be in my arms smiling and healthy, but sometimes things aren’t meant to be and it’s not until later in life that we understand why.

The Glass Angel I Cherish In Memory Of You Baby Kiss

So now I have no choice but to carry on, back to work and back to routine, my quiet little nest I’d been living in this week with blankets on the sofa is gone and it’s back to reality. It might sound weird but now when I go to the toilet and see a little blood, I want it to stay with me, just a little longer because it’s the last part of you that I have left. I got a little glass angel to remind me of you, I don’t know why, but I have so much love for you even though we never got to meet, I promise I will never forget you. And I promise I won’t cry forever, because I don’t want you to know that I am so sad, I want you to be at peace. Perhaps the only comfort I have is not knowing how far along I was, because I can’t torture myself over your heartbeat or little body. I wish with all of my heart and soul that I could have kept you little one, I would do anything in the whole world for you and will love you forever and always. My beautiful little star in the sky, my beautiful angel, please sleep well because Mummy loves you x x x x
x x x

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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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