I have to admit that I have a great deal of sympathy for the male race, not only must they strive to be the stronger sex, but they also have the ordeal of excessive body hair to tame and an attention span constantly harassed with testosterone-fuelled thoughts. How treacherous! If you add to the equation the perplexities of handling a menstruating woman, then the poor sausage-stowers are really fighting against the tide aren’t they; which is why I see it as my womanly duty to share my musings over what women want.
I’m actually a qualified woman, conveniently from birth with twenty-seven years experience to date, although my lanky limbs and sporadic knee-cap stubble may indicate otherwise at times. I’ve battled through the terrible teens, puberty, womanhood and childbirth twice, in silence and without pain relief might I add. So I’d say I’ve earned my stripes at owning a vagina and work hard to maintain my title of Miss Kiss, not Ms, not Mrs, just Miss. I am a single parent to my two beautiful children, Millisent 7yrs and Gabriele 2yrs, and I bodybuild for fun in order to keep my mouth stocked with too many sugary, calorific treats. My motto in life is everything in moderation, unless you’re a glutton like me, in which case everything to excess to make up for it because you only live once.
A pretty weighty characteristic that women look for in a man is to have his own independence. Now lets be clear that it’s independence in life, not independence from a relationship, because we want you to be able to stand on your own two feet without becoming too stable to run away from us, as sprinting in heels isn’t as easy as it looks. There is something very sexy about a man who knows how to delicate-wash his own boxer shorts, cook a romantic michelin-star meal and pay his own bills. Every woman wants to feel special and lucky to have bagged the man of her dreams, and we celebrate by relishing in the green eyed stares of other jealous women, as we all play top trumps with our partners whether we admit it or not. Deep down we want a man to be a man, to earn his seat at the table and to be able to save us from a zombie apocalypse should the time come. A needy, weak and helpless bore is the ultimate turn off to a woman, and is best reserved for mummy’s bitty before bedtime.
If you want to woo the love of your life and show her how independent you can be then why not surprise her by attempting the housework, lighting some candles, running a hot bubble bath, stocking the fridge with a selection of cheeses and rose wine, and purchasing a lottery ticket with numbers chosen with particular meanings such as her date of birth or your anniversary. This ticks all of the boxes for a heartfelt surprise, but if you do it too often she’ll come to expect it and use you as her slave, so remember to stick to high-calorie treats of heavy cheese or chocolate which she couldn’t sustain on a regular basis, and when the bath water starts getting out when she gets in then it’s a good indication that you’re overdoing the independence and can ease off a little.
Women are a little shallow when it comes to looks, maybe more hottub than teacup for depth, but looks are certainly important to us. I know that you shouldn’t tar an entire gender with your foundation brush, but unless you’re an ogre of a billionaire with a penchant for golddigging twenty-something Barbie-dolls, then how you present yourself is very important to most women. We are known to be the fairer sex, and as a result we are judged heavily on our appearance. From the day we first start waxing we soon learn that the prettier girls always come out on top, whether it’s in the workplace, socially or in the bedroom; the more effort and pride you take in your appearance the easier it becomes to meet your match. And it’s because we have to torture ourselves with such barbaric treatments and toe-curling regimes in the name of beauty that we deserve to date on-par with our blood, sweat and tears. You can’t expect a supermodel to be attracted to a slob, and likewise you wouldn’t expect a hairy, unobrow’d spinster to bag herself a Brad Pitt anytime soon. However I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong on this.
Men are far worse when it comes to being shallow, and seemingly deranged at times with their expectations of a mate. You can’t be a 5 for looks with a hairy back and sabre-tooth toenails and expect to date a Russian-ballerina rated as a 10, as relationships generally work best with likewise couples. Just how dog-owners choose a pup to resemble themselves in some way, the partner a woman chooses speaks volumes about her as a person. Fortunately for men, us ladies also have a heart and are therefore able to consider a sense of humour and personality as an overall package instead of selecting a partner based on looks alone. But it doesn’t hurt to look after yourself and polish more than just your pencil each morning. We don’t ask for the earth, just a sense of good personal hygiene which can be achieved by brushing your teeth twice a day, taking a shower before bed/sex, maintaining all pubes to a maximum of 3cm in length, wearing clothes that fit properly and earning your six pack at the gym rather than in the pub. Men can all too easily over-groom and despite what some believe, metrosexual is borderline bisexual to a woman. If you have more toiletries and makeup then us then get packing, if your brows have a higher arch or your lashes are fuller you’re in dangerous waters, and if you look better in a mankini than we do in our bikini then you may as well call a cab now. Men are mean’t to be men, not girls, because we’re the ones menstruating. So stay groomed without sacrificing your ability to be recognised as the groom, and try to not make us ladies look like dumpy apes in drag.
We spend enough time and energy fighting our fat days, and/or bad hair days and feeling deflated by the stunning models on the cover of beauty magazines, so the last thing we want is a moaning, sarcastic and cynical man to come home to. Although banter and sarcasm is fine in small doses, a good woman wants her man to lift her spirits and make her feel like everyday is a post-period day. Positivity is contagious, as is chlamydia so don’t be a dirty dog. If you want your better half to bask in the glory of having you as her man then show her what you’re made of. Compliment her, woo her, smile at her, make frequent eye contact and listen, and be a cheerful, active and attentive partner. Suggest trips that you can take together, whether it be shoe shopping or scatter cushion gathering, having the get up and go and actual ability to leave the sofa of an afternoon is kryptonite to every woman.
Not only do you feel good when you do good, but being active, positive and content in life is a self-fulfilling prophecy in itself, as the more positivity you put in the more you will reap the rewards. Every task becomes easier with a smile on your face and a spring in your step, especially in the bedroom, so don’t forget the whipped cream and rose petals.
Us ladies like to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and a big factor in security is having a partner with communication skills. We need the reassurance of knowing if our man is getting cold feet then he has the ability to openly and honestly talk to us about it before going slipper shopping elsewhere. Yes I really am using moccasins as a metaphor for muff. It’s shocking how many men have the inability to speak to their partners, whether they’ve been raised in a monotone male dominated environment or their eardrums have ruptured over years of never-ending nattering, putting up a barrier between the lips and ears is a sure fire road to relationship ruin.
If you want a woman to feel safe and confident in your arms then use your ears before organs. If you’re able to discuss feelings then you are the pinnacle of all men, to be able to tell her that you love her, what you love about her and why is literally unheard of but exceptionally desirable. Don’t be afraid to open up and speak from the heart, as it may seem alien to you at first but you’ll soon feel a million times better for doing it, and watching chick-flicks and crying over Children In Need is totally acceptable so long as you close the blinds first. If you can’t put your feelings on the line then fear not, you can still keep the channel of communication open with your ears, and it’s relatively easy and pain free if you do it often enough. Focus your energy on remaining conscious whilst your lady speaks to you, nodding in agreement every forty-five to eighty seconds so as not to appear too enthusiastic and require a response, and keep your lips in a loose and reassuring non-judgemental smile as opposed to a grimace or frown. Sit on the fence with your lobes primed and you’ll find the more often you listen to her the sooner she’s able to empty, as a short burst of ear exercise each day is far easier to digest than a month of built-up insecurities and issues. Always remember to conceal your ipod in your shirt pocket, take time to tuck away cables properly and leave the ear closest to her earphone free for your own health and safety.
For women, taking a man into the public arena is equally as daunting as showcasing a pair of new shoes. We run off a mental checklist of qualities en route to the event, will they fit in, will they stand out, will others be envious, and will they hurt us or leave us limping at the end of the night. Oh behave, we also stress about our shoes too. Our man is our hottest and most important accessory, mostly because he has a penis, and also because he is seen as an extension of ourselves. Having the ability to socialise with our peers and hold conversation with friends and family is paramount; comically concocting conversation and tinkering with tales and anecdotes in a social setting without the fear of dropping swear words, regarding football as a religion nor badmouthing bimbo beliefs is literally liquid gold to us girls.
We don’t need the strong silent type, we need the confident conversed master who can woo us with his IQ and put a bumbling beer-brain to shame. A man with the ability to hold his own socially is undeniably irresistible to women, but if you’re more Joey Essex than Einstein then at the very least compensate by maintaining a perfect hollywood smile and six pack into your late eighties.
Intelligence is hot. So are men in well fitting suits and spontaneous spooning. Having the ability to defend an opinion and stake a claim to a brain is sexy in every language alike. Although you may come a cropper if the lady in your life struggles to tell the difference between a dictionary and your thesaurus of course. In which case it’s best to keep schtum to help your lady to save face, so act like a nice macho arm candy instead, or you could try dating a non-stripper. Either/or. If you’re dating a lady who is far more intelligent than you, then don’t feel bad about it, just be honest and willing to learn. You can’t be perfect at everything, but being wiling is half the battle.
Oh my, how every girl loves the P. Excuse me whilst I shift in my seat and unbutton my blouse here, it’s just that passion gets me a little flustered. Girls go weak at the knees and lose their mind over passion, and I’m not talking about playing FIFA in surround sound or waxing your car with carnauba, I’m talking about throbbing hot humanitarian causes. There’s something that screams marriage material when a man pets your pussycat or rescues a hedgehog from the side of the road. It shows his sense of heart, commitment and devotion, all exceptional traits that us ladies look for in a life long partner.
Passion can be shown in so many ways, from being really into food and preparing a romantic meal, to exploring different cultures and challenges, nurturing a desire and belief and making a positive and rewarding progression throughout life. It’s exciting, invigorating and highly attractive to women. We don’t want a lazy slob, we want a hero to join on his adventure as he carries us off into the sunset with the muscles of his arms rippling like his six-pack in the moonlight. We also love being bent over the kitchen table, caressed by tingly radox tea-tree and mint in the shower and taken hard up against the wall during our period. Although some females may vary. Always remember to take into consideration a ladies needs before your own, it’s a marathon not a sprint, don’t neglect the neck, wrists and inner thighs, you only need to test a gag reflex twice to be certain, we know there’s no such thing as ‘slipping’ location, if she’s moaning with her eyes closed it’s generally for the right reasons, but if she’s staring at you you’re doing it wrong, and finally, never be afraid to try new things, apart from nipple clamps if you’ve got silicone implants. Lube is a mans best friend; hot tubs and swimming pools are not.
A GSOH, that’s good sense of humour, literally dominates the singles ads at the back of every newspaper because it’s one character trait that can really raise your partner pulling potential. Being able to laugh at yourself is priceless, as it shows that you’re not stuck up or too self-obsessed. Women are like tropical fish to a cankle over a funny guy, so keep it light-hearted, fun and flirty and the ocean will come to you.
Men can be forgiven for thinking that all women want is their money and a free ride in life. Excuse the pun. But we see more than just a bank balance in a man, as it’s the person behind the plastic that we undoubtedly fall for. Afterall, a fool and his money are easily parted and Luther and Janet can certainly give testament to the best things in life being free. Men with a successful career are attractive because of their ambition in life, their commitment, discipline and hard work ethic which are life affirming and key to future foundation building and family. If you don’t happen to possess a powerful paycheque to pamper your Princess then don’t worry, payday loans have a bargain 2000% APR, or you could always try dating a wifey rather than a wallet-raider.
Our final female want in a man is confidence, and it’s the one thing that you can grow naturally without having to fill with pumping blood or get covered in fertiliser and pesticides. It doesn’t matter what you look like, how much you earn, how tall you are, how muscly you are or how much you try to please us, being confident in your own skin is the most attractive trait in any man. But confidence is not the same as cocky. Note: CONFIDENCE, noun, certainty: the quality of being certain of your abilities or of having trust in people, plans, or the future. COCKY, adjective, informal disapproving: describes a young person who is confident in a way that is unpleasant and sometimes rude.
Being confident means owning your body, holding yourself with poise and respect. Feeling proud of what you have achieved in life without being boastful, feeing good about what you have to offer without thinking you’re God’s gift, and never being afraid to fall in love. Be happy in your own skin and you can be happy with the girl of your dreams when you meet her. Cherish the beautiful memories, the first kiss, first date, proposal, wedding night and anniversary every year of your lives til death do us part. Relationships are a blessing, and finding your soulmate is absolutely priceless. Yes we have our hearts broken along the way, we make mistakes and mistakes make us, but from each and every experience, be it good or bad, we grow as a person and apply our strengths and weaknesses to future relationships. Every cloud has a silver lining and we all deserve to find our happy ending with the man or woman of our dreams.
And if all of these points and cliches about what women want have gone well and truly over your head with no hope of ever sinking in, then don’t panic, because there’s still hope for you so long as you’re over eighteen and posses a rock hard penis, an empty ring finger and a wallet with payday-loan potential. Happy hunting my darlings!