Age: 3months & 1week

Sooo a lot has happened this last week! First of all I had my midlife crisis, which was possibly a little overdue. I guess after having had two children and my weight changing so rapidly over the past year and my breasts relocating to my ankles I felt as though I needed a change and new identity. So a few days ago I was due to have my haircut and coloured for the christening and honestly couldn’t decide on what to do with it. I’ve had a dark blonde/light brown colour on my hair for about five years now and Luca has always wanted me to have platinum blonde hair again from when we first met about eight years ago but I’ve spent the majority of the last decade trying to keep my hair healthy and natural looking since; but saying that, when you fancy a change you always revert back to the times in your life when you felt most carefree and have fond memories, and my memories of partying, holidaying and crazy shopping sprees always remind me of being platinum blonde. The little blonde devil on one shoulder was standing proud and ballsy with it’s pitchfork winking and downing champagne, and the quiet little brunette angel on the other shoulder cuddling the children and baking homemade bread and I was in the middle like a spectator at a tennis match bouncing between the two.

Millie And Gabriele Having Cuddles In Bed

I pondered and pondered for days over what change to make, half of me wanting to be young and sexy and wild, and the other half motherly and decent and respectful. I do miss my youth and carefree attitude and I’d be lying if I said I’d never want that back, to be walking on a beach somewhere, with a cocktail in one hand and a Gucci handbag in the other not a care in the world and living for the moment. But then I hold my children, and think about the times that I’d walk them around tirelessly in the early hours of the night, rocking them to sleep in my arms, watching them resting so peacefully, and me covered in sick and poo and dribble, trying to muster ever last ounce of energy to carry on. I think to myself there is no comparison, the children win every time because they’re my heart and soul and life. And I know it must sound a bit extreme all of this over a hair colour but I look at myself as a person and think am I doing right for my children, do I set them a good example in life, am I providing a safe and secure home for them both and a kind and considerate ear? And when I look at myself and the way that my children see me, I don’t want to be mutton dressed up as lamb, I don’t want people to have any severe reactions to how I look or what I do. And as silly as it sounds I wouldn’t want to walk my daughter to school with bright blonde hair and have men leering at me or cracking blonde jokes and treating me as an object because that’s no way for Millie to view life or her mother. You have to be the best that you can in life, independently, intellectually and emotionally and I wouldn’t want her thinking that being blonde and playing dumb would ever benefit her more than working hard and aiming high and never giving up. Even to the point of wearing a skirt I’ve become very cautious and I must sound insane, but in my eyes a mother of two young children shouldn’t walk around in miniskirts, because I have an image of myself as a child having never being exposed to my mothers underwear on show, nor have I ever seen her fall out of a nightclub or random men chat her up in the street. My grandmother and mother have always been decent and respectful ladies and that is exactly what I want to in still in my daughter by hopefully setting the bar myself and leading by example.

My New Brown Hair

And sitting in the hairdressers I knew in my heart that there was only one colour I would ever want to be, brunette. But saying that, if I were to be kidnapped on my hen night by relatives and have no knowledge of them dyeing my hair platinum blonde until I woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, I would probably absolutely love it and have the time of my life. But as a living, breathing mother I have to think of my children and how they view me and evidently how they will one day view themselves and their outlook on life, and for this reason I decided to go brown. So on went the dye, a deep breath, a nervous glance and a massive smile. I feel like a woman reborn, just a few shades darker has been enough to put a twinkle back in my eye, the bounce back in my smile, and my head held that fraction higher. Now that doesn’t mean to say that when the children grow up and leave home and it’s just me and Luca as fifty-something-year-olds that I won’t go and have my platinum blonde locks, because I most probably will, along with a motorbike and pole-dancing lessons most likely! I’m pretty sure you can have a midlife crisis every quarter century can’t you? Us girls deserve it!

But life as a brunette has been fun so far, busy, but fun. Yesterday we had Gabriele’s christening and the night before we rushed between work, collecting the cakes, dinner with friends and a sleepless baby. With around five and a half hours sleep in total and a killer period stomach cramps and backache I got up at 7am to prepare the kids to take to the hall in my comfy jeans and hair in rollers to set out the tables and decorations for the hundred and forty guests and Luca reluctantly, but decently helped me. It took us five hours to set up the hall whilst lifting tables, stacking chairs, blowing up balloons and hanging banners. Millie was absolutely fantastic and pushed Gabriele in his pushchair when he got upset, she fed him his milk and kept him company whilst Luca and I ran around like headless chickens with parents, cousins and aunts and uncles watching the clock ticking away to the time we had to be ready. With the exception of a few pictures of Gabriele that I wanted to print to bring along we had everything ready, but we had to return home to get dressed and preened or we’d be in danger of missing the church! Somehow I managed to get my hair and make-up done, into my dress, painted Millie’s nails, wiggled Millie into her dress and shoes, dressed Gabriele in his christening gown, printed off the twenty photos to take to the hall, made up the nappy bag and tended to the cat, dog and rabbits to make sure they were all fed and watered before we left ALL IN TWENTY MINUTES whilst Luca had a shower, shave and put his suit on. Now I KNOW that God was on our side yesterday, for the sheer fact that these last three months I’ve not even been capable of getting all of that done in an entire day let alone twenty minutes, and in the past a night out would take me at least two hours to do my hair and makeup alone. But somehow we managed to arrive (huddled together with the help of Millie’s Thomas The Tank Engine umbrella in the pouring rain) at the church five minutes before the service and we walked through the doors as a family of four with triumphant smiles on our faces at last.

Millie, Gabriele, Luca And I At The Church

Besides the church looking like an MOT station from the outside, I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by the beautiful pews and alter as we walked through the door, the blue and white floral display and the smiling faces of our guests filling the entire church and it made my heart skip a beat to see everybody who had come to join us for Gabriele’s special day. The rest of the ceremony was a blur as Gabriele laid nestled in my arms looking so angelic in his gown, with his Godparents at our side and Millie smiling proudly at her little brother.

Luca And I Holding Baby Gabriele Whilst Getting Baptised

It was such an emotional and proud moment for us, to do this for our son and to have so many friends and family sharing this with us and it will stay in my heart forever. Gabriele was the perfect little boy, he slept most of the way through and as he was baptised he didn’t make a peep. And afterwards as we rushed to the hall to join the guests who had already made their way, we walked in to see everybody smiling and chatting and laughing, cooing over the baby, talking about how lovely the church was and desperate for cuddles. I think Gabriele must have had a cuddle from everybody once as we worked our way across the hall and around each table, and everybody greeted him with open arms and a warm smile, holding his little hands and touching his little button nose. The amount of love in the room alone was infectious.

And seeing the food that our mother’s and relatives had made was breath taking, it looked and tasted beautiful and I was so overwhelmed yet guilt ridden at the same time. A part of me knows that I would never have been able to achieve the same standard and amount of food alone, and that it made the venue so spectacular having such an amazing spread. But then because of how I’ve been brought up I still feel guilty for the fact that we had to put on others and ask so much of our parents when they deserved to have been our guests of honour and if I could have I would have had them on golden thrones and fanned them with palm leaves because they deserve nothing less. But in a beautiful yet chaotic way I’ve realised that working together and everyone chipping in made Gabriele’s day so incredibly special and amazing and that’s what family is all about, because I guess you can’t always do everything by yourself and one hundred hearts are stronger than one. Maybe one day if we win the lottery we’ll take everybody to paradise to say thank you, but for now the sweeping and cleaning and bin bag emptying in the late hours after the guests have left with the hall lights on low and everybody feeling like zombies with beaming smiles for all of the days events is enough of a reward.

It truly was a beautiful and momentous day that will stay with us all forever and be talked about for years to come. And when I thought of my weekly weigh-in today my feet were so raw from all of the running around of the day that I found it almost impossible to stand upright and still long enough for the Wii to record my weight. But after a few attempts I was delighted to see that I had lost four pounds this week, which considering last week I gained three is a well-earned one pound bonus!

My Weight Loss 13 Weeks After Giving Birth

My period is coming to an end, I feel like I could sleep for a million gazillion years, my heels are convinced they’ve been jumping on concrete all night and my eyes wouldn’t mind being washed out with ice water right now. But I have the biggest smile on my face for our beautiful children, my gradually shrinking thunder thighs and my newly found brunette locks. This weekend has been an accumulation of the past three months of stress, tears, tiredness, expectations, beliefs, hopes, tantrums, and laughs and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Although, it would be nice if the whole house wasn’t filled with torn up wrapping paper, plastic cups, bowls, boxes, balloons and bin bags when I drag myself out of bed and down the stairs… but we can’t have everything! x x x Because we already have everything we want in the entire world right here x x x


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Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

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