So last night we had our date night and I was feeling a little low and couldn’t shake myself out of it. I’d spent the afternoon at my parents with the children and we’d decided to go for a walk around the village. It was a lovely afternoon, so warm and the sun was golden and everyone was laughing and smiling and it would have been the perfect day; until we went to see the ducks by the church pond.
Millie was delighted to see the baby ducklings and asked if she could look around the church next to the pond and we were excited to show and tell her all about our religion and the things that happen in and around the church, for which she asked us lots of questions and stood wide eyed listening to every word. And then we walked around the garden and through the graveyard and I think that was when it hit me.
My everyday life doesn’t lead me to find myself in graveyards very often, but to see the row upon row of graves, the inscriptions on the tombstones and the beautiful flowers, poems, candles and pictures tore my heart in two. There were children buried in the graveyard and little lamps and colourful butterflies decorated the ground. It was absolutely stunning to see and it took my breath away; I was lost for words, and all I could do was stand still and look, and watch the breeze in the trees and the golden late afternoon sunlight gradually slip away over the gravestones. I thought about the children, husbands, wives, brothers, uncles, grandparents and friends that had been taken too soon and all of the love that still went into visiting, cherishing and maintaining the graves by relatives. I wondered how many hours had been spent by loved ones sitting by each grave, deep in thought and lost in prayer.
And it made me mourn for the loss of our baby before we had Gabriele and I couldn’t stop thinking if our baby had made it what would they look like and would we have had a boy or a girl. I wonder if our lost little one has made it to the safety of heaven, if it’s soul was even granted before it died or if it will forever be in limbo – neither alive nor gone, just there, waiting, alone. And it hollowed me out and emptied my insides somehow to see the children’s graves, it left my mind vacant and my heart heavy as I carried on the day keeping my thoughts to myself. And I’m choked up and crying as I write this now. My love for the baby we lost hurts me so bad and there’s nothing I can ever do about it. Just remember, and cherish and pray.
A few hours later Luca and I went out for dinner in Tring to a restaurant we used to visit quite frequently before but hadn’t been to for some time. In the car on the way Luca noticed I was a little distracted and being up all night with Gabriele hadn’t helped but after a can of Redbull and a slick of lipgloss I put on my best smile and out we went.
I was looking forward to a nice romantic dinner, to bond again after a turbulent week and to relax without having baby milk all down one shoulder or rushing around burning food on the stove. When you go out anywhere with Luca you soon realise there isn’t a place in the entire world or beyond where he doesn’t know or recognise somebody. Pulling up outside he saw his friend in the car and said a quick hello, and when we got inside the restaurant two of Lucas friends had just finished their dinner. So we all sat together as we had our food, garlic bread and a tomato bruschetta, and a gourmet beef burger and green bean and salad quinoa, and then we headed out for drinks afterwards.
And it was a lovely night, everybody drinking and talking and laughing and reminiscing and the time flew by so fast I think we may have actually found a time warp! We got home a little after midnight and the children were fast asleep and my wonderful parents hugged us goodnight and headed home.
And waking up this morning after a few grizzly moments from Gabriele last night I feel almost human. So as the pack were all sleeping I headed for the shower and downstairs to weigh myself on the Wii for the weekly weigh in. Despite having a diminished appetite and wondering mind recently I managed to eat and drink an inhumane amount last night between my parents, the restaurant and the bar and the scales greeted me with a one pound loss.
I look at my body now and I’m glad that I’m back to the weight I was before I fell pregnant with Gabriele but I’m still a bit blah about how I look and feel. Perhaps it’s because I need to tone up, narrow my wide hippo birthing hips or squat off the podge around my thighs. Perhaps starting at the gym soon will help me to change the shape of my body as opposed to the weight. Because I guess all of the ingredients that I need are already there now, I just need to put it all together and make it work!
So we shall see what next week has in store. And this morning we were greeted by Gabriele flipping himself onto his tummy and trying to crawl, at almost four and a half months! I’d best start baby proofing the house for him walking next week at this rate! 🙂 x x x