Well today I am back to my usual smiley self and it’s nice to not feel so pissed off to put it bluntly. I think I reached boiling point yesterday which surprised me as I would have thought I’d crack a lot sooner given my hormones and discomfort, but moment of weakness over, suck it up, stop whinging and get on with it woman!!
We have baby bunnies at the moment and they’re adorable hopping around the garden now that the weather has finally broken and it’s not raining 24/7. I sat watching them and have to admit I actually felt a little bit jealous of how content and stress free their life is. Why is it when a cat or dog or rabbit has a litter they’re allowed a nice soft warm bed in the peace and quiet where they can snuggle, feed and bond and we’re told not to disturb them, touch them or make any noise at all for a few days to let them settle; yet as soon as a woman has a baby the whole world and their dog is at your crotch desperate to keep your own baby as far away from you as possible? It wouldn’t be so bad if it were just the one person who got a little bit too selfish and over stepped the mark, but for every one person who is thoughtful there are ten more who are completely blinkered. I wish people would just take a second and think about what mummy and baby needs first before charging straight in there. If there was anything I could change from people reading this blog, I would urge you to please understand the trauma and heartache giving birth does to a woman, the desperate rest and peace and quiet that she and her baby need afterwards to bond and settle into a routine for the first few days or weeks even, and the consideration when visiting a baby. Babies need their routine and need feeding and changing from the mother not kidnapping and the refusal to let go setting everything behind and into chaos when a starving baby is lying in a messy nappy screaming in visitors’ arms. Just put yourself in the mothers shoes and when you see how trashed she looks from lack of sleep and loss of blood and the baby is resisting being forced to cuddle a complete stranger, take that step back and think would I want this to be me? If you’re there to try and take a baby away then you shouldn’t be around children, if you’re there to be kind and say a quick hello and congratulations then do so with consideration, and if you’re there to help the mother with her baby you deserve an award. A baby is not a possession or a novelty, it shouldn’t be used to make people feel better or suit their own needs, it is a small vulnerable person who depends greatly on its mother. Rant over.
Despite only getting a few hours sleep last night I think I’m used to this zombie malarky and might dress accordingly to suit today! Perhaps a nice skull and cross bones around my neck or some dark red lipstick to look even more like a vampire on the loose
Gabriele is a little angel as ever, just thinking about his cuddles puts the biggest smile on my face. I’m watching him sleeping as I write this, all tucked up in a nice fresh baby grow, clean nappy, full tummy and snuggle teddy. And when he wee’d all over my chest, bed and himself at 7am this morning I laughed as I snuggled him up in my dressing gown, us both dripping in little baby wee but being the happiest two little snugglers in the world. If my only time alone with my little one is in the disgusting hours of the morning when the rest of the world is sleeping and not covered in urine then so be it, because even just one second with him lifts my heart and makes everything bad in the world melt away in an instant.
I’m loving being a mummy to two, and the feeling is euphoric to see these happy little faces looking up at me in the morning, like sleepy little hedgehogs seeing the first light. When I hold little Millie who will be five years old in October I’m amazed at just how big she is! I always thought of her as a miniature person with little shoes, curly hair and a squeaky little voice, but compared to baby Gabriele she is like something out of a fairytale where giants live among men. I feel so incredibly blessed to have two beautiful healthy children; I could easily spend the rest of my life just smiling at them like an embarrassing soppy mummy. “Ohhh Mummmmmmm – stop ittttt! My friends will see!”
So this morning Gabriele’s umbilical cord dropped off and it is such a relief to not have to worry about catching it or it digging into his poor little tum. I ran my hand around his impossibly delicious soft tummy skin looking at how neat and tidy his little torso now looks without the black rigid cord and clumsy plastic peg and I tried my hardest not to blow raspberries all over him or smother him in kisses at the risk of being pee-pee cannoned at close range! Everyday he seems to change so much it’s lovely. He opens his gorgeous little eyes a lot more now, tries to curl his dinky fingers around mine and is constantly trying to lift his head.
My chest has been agony since yesterday. The nurse said she would call me tomorrow to see how I’m getting on with breastfeeding after the advice she gave me, but following the knock to my chest it’s now swollen to almost double the size of my other breast and the pain is unbearable and I’m gutted that I can no longer breastfeed. My breasts are rock hard, weeping and hot. As I had silicone implants aged 18 I’m a little concerned that the knock could have caused more damage than meets the eye, as my chest was already tight and tender filled with milk beforehand and now one side is so noticeably more aggressive. We’re due to meet a houseful of family for lunch today and I’m wincing every time I lift something, lean over or touch anywhere near my chest. But I know if I go to the hospital now I’ll be there for several hours having to cart the children along with everybody waiting on us to arrive back, or worse still coming to take the children so that I can be seen and me panicking every second that they’re away from me. Just the thought of Gabriele being in a different room to me makes me paranoid he’ll stop breathing, suffocate under his blanket, and choke on milk that he’s brought up or be placed in some kind of danger that I’m not aware of. It’s the same fear I have when Millie walks down the road, when she’s with me we walk hand in hand and religiously check the road before crossing, but other people don’t seem to have the same perception of safety as they let their children run on ahead only feet away from a main road with speeding traffic and people walking by with big dogs. God it gives me goosebumps just thinking of it!! Only now am I just getting used to Millie spending time away from me for afternoons out.
I’ll hold out for as long as I can and if it gets worse I’ll drive the kids down with me to the hospital. Apart from looking like a cycloptic boob smuggler my body post-birth isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’m still fat, loose and pale but I was honestly expecting a lot worse. I didn’t get any stretch marks this time at all, as I had them over my thighs, stomach and hips with Millie I was expecting them to explode and look like a road map with the second pregnancy, but my skin looks surprisingly unfazed.
After giving birth not yet a week ago I’m not expecting to see washboard abs this side of the summer, but I had this image of a loose kangaroo pouch which so far is more of a little kangaroo wallet thank God. I still can’t feel my stomach muscles as breathing in does absolutely nothing to the bowl of jelly that is my midriff at the moment, but I’ve decided to do something about it! Obviously I know that I can’t exercise until 6wks after birth as all of my lady bits and organs have yet to adjust and reset their positions inside after having being stretched, pushed and pulled about for the last ten months. Let’s just hope my intestine doesn’t end up in my ribcage and my kidneys in my thighs!!
So as a way to motivate myself to avoid junk food that I have embarrassingly become very much accustomed to daily, I will be binning the biscuits, crisps, cakes and chocolate in favour of fruit and fresh food. No chinese take aways, McDonald’s breakfasts or pizza on the go Thinking about it now my mouth is salivating like a starving dog with a juicy bone under it’s nose. But I’m not looking to starve myself or diet, quite the opposite actually as I love my food, but I need to reassess what I actually eat and change the trashy convenience food for fresh and healthy meals again now that the slug of winter is edging itself away and summer is threatening to tear a massive arse shaped hole in my favourite bikini!
So here is my honest and somewhat cringeworthy post-pregnancy baby body blog. I’m laughing at the pictures I’ve just taken in the bathroom because I look like such a mess! I’m still bleeding from the birth so have my trusty Bridget Jone’s parachute boxershorts on, and my delightful boulder holder mismatching bra which is currently housing two sopping wet breast pads as I leak milk 24/7 like some kind of overworked knackered old cow. Here are some pictures during my pregnancy, I don’t have a body shot from right before I was pregnant, but this is a bikini picture on the left of me at 3months into this pregnancy when we were going on holiday to Italy; and the picture on the right was taken 6days ago at 4am when my waters went and labour started! It seems so long ago now already!
From this I’m hoping to show you how my body changes each week by taking different shots, with the intention of returning to a reasonable shape and size sometime in the near future, but I’m only human afterall so if I put on weight or never get back to my pre-pregnancy size then I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Oooh cookies…!!! I want men to understand that not everybody is perfect, and after having a baby our bodies continue to change and we can’t possibly look like normal the second the baby comes out, but you can love and respect the lady in your life for being so strong as to have given you a child and comfort her into regaining the confidence to share her body hang-ups with you. And ladies this is the warning of what you have to look forward to if you don’t use contraception – if you don’t want children and you don’t want to lose your figure then be sensible and do something about it!! I on the other hand, was fortunate to have been in a position to plan this pregnancy and welcome it all good or bad come rain or shine because whatever happens to me, lumps, bumps, scars, stretchmarks and sagging is worth it all for the precious gift of my babies.
So here is my first humble offering of my weekly body check:
This week I am still bleeding from birth, my nipples are leaking milk constantly, the muscles in the triangle under my ribcage are very sore and tender and I have been having stomach contractions every night and taking painkillers. Luckily I didn’t rip/tear during birth so going to the toilet for a wee or poo doesn’t hurt and I’ve had no trouble sitting down/walking etc.
I’ve lost 21lbs from my labour weight at the start of the week which seems insane but when you hold a little baby, see the placenta and the amount of blood and water that come out I guess it soon seems very possible! I’ve been eating lots of potatoes this week as I really had a taste for oven-roasted vegetables, jacket potatoes and cheese, salad sandwiches and bananas. I’ve also been a bit cheeky eating a few chocolate bars and cream eggs in the sale from Easter but next week I’m determined to have the willpower to avoid junk and stop eating chips! Ha I hope x