Oh dear Lord what a week it has been! I’m actually shocked that I haven’t turned grey and aged fifty years in just as many hours. Christmas and new years always seems to be such a pressurised and stressful time of year to do everything and be everywhere and please everyone, and I can safely say that this year’s festive season can kiss my proverbial buns and stay well away for another 365 days because it was an awful end to a chaotic year.
I’ve spent the last few days umming and ahhing over whether or not to write this blog post and finally I’ve come to the conclusion that I will. Because my new years resolution is to be true to myself in every aspect of my life, and no truer word can be said than in a blog, ergo my blog :). I have spent the past year at least trying to keep the peace within my life, accepting situations I’ve not been happy with and bending over backwards loading myself up like a bloody pack horse to keep everything up in the air and running; when I should’ve thrown it all down a long time ago, sprayed a few chosen words into the wind and put my aching feet up because I’m human and I deserve a break just as much as anybody else.
So here I am, finally with a clear mind and a great weight lifted from my shoulders as I possibly reach the most open and vocal part of my twenty-five years; and even though I may sound like a psychotic so-and-so I’m neither ashamed nor apologetic for what I’m about to share with the entire world.
For the past year and a half since having our second child Gabriele, being pregnant, giving birth and adapting to being a family of four, Luca and I have had a lot of obstacles thrown in our path; emotionally, physically and progressively. Our relationship has and did suffer terribly for a long time and just after Christmas we separated and Luca moved out. And why am I sharing this with the world? Because I know we’re not alone, I know that the private emails and messages I receive from my blog readers are of recognition, support and relief to know that everybody goes through the same things. You can paint a brave face on and try to fool the world into thinking you’re something that you’re not but in doing so you’re only fooling yourself. I honestly couldn’t care less if people look down upon me or talk about my behaviour and tittle-tattle behind my back because I act only in the interest of my children and my relationship with Luca. And in writing this post today I hope that I can give light to others who face the same obstacles as we have, and to inspire and encourage you all to believe in yourselves and always stay true to who you are no matter what.
So a whole bucket of nappy-stuffing well and truly hit the fan this past week resulting in Luca and I separating and I spent the first half of New Years Eve in the house alone with a bottle of red wine and a handful of bin bags packing up all of Luca’s worldly possessions and crying my heart out on the bedroom floor over teddy bears he’s bought me over the years and the smell of his aftershave on his t-shirts. We’d both acknowledge months ago that we were falling into a downward spiral, arguing over everything on a daily basis, resenting each other for having time out with me being at the gym or Luca tinkering on his cars and going for nights out. The time that we spent together became an inconvenience and we’d almost disappear into our own little worlds under the same roof as the monotonously gruelling routine of cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed, doing the housework and pottering around the house meant that our only time together in the evening was seldom spent together and almost never enjoyable. Luca would be tired from a hard day at work and I would be tired from juggling the children and the thrills of life and our home. So I buried my head in trying to help charities and working out at the gym to de-stress and it only pushed Luca further away and made him crave a social life and time on his own with his hobbies.
And on the rare occasions that we would have time available to do something as a family we were here there and everywhere trying to make appointments, dinners, birthdays, shopping, celebrations and visiting friends and family so that we never had a second to just stop and rest. Never a second to sleep or to think straight or actually communicate. Our life wasn’t our life anymore because neither of us were doing what made us happy, we were just constantly doing what had to be done and day-by-day we became more bitter and resentful towards each other because of it. But it wasn’t until I was sobbing my eyes out on the bedroom floor on the build up to midnight alone and miserable on New Years Eve with mascara running down my face and my lips and teeth stained with red wine like something from the exorcist, that I realised how wrong I had been. I was wrong for putting up with and allowing us all to fit ourselves around life and trivial routines when life should have been fitting itself around us. I was wrong for letting our relationship slip into the toilet by not doing what made us both happy. And I was wrong for not giving my children preference over everything in life, and the time they needed with us altogether as a family instead of bouncing around like pinballs and never having a second to stop.
I love my children more than anything in the entire world and Luca is my soulmate. I was utterly destroyed when we separated but I knew in my heart that we couldn’t continue as we were because we were destroying each other each and every day and love shouldn’t be a life sentence, it should be a blessing, cherished, appreciated and respected. For days we battled with our feelings and emotions towards one another, and when you love somebody so much but being stuck in a rut is hurting you so bad, it’s both a relief and physically crippling at the same time to finally hold your hands up, admit defeat and walk away. But we had to hit rock bottom in order to bounce back up and save what we have.
And boy oh boy did I hit rock bottom, in fact I may as well have taken part in the space jump back to earth at the speed, volume and intensity that the profanities left my mouth. I’m pretty sure at one point during my screaming and shouting that I levitated from the ground, my head rotated 360 degrees and I began speaking latin with a ridiculously long tongue. But it needed to be said, my broken heart needed to be avenged and we had to be honest with each other about how we felt.
And the truth is we love one another so much and can’t live without each other, but what we failed to do was put ourselves and our little family first over life and it was at the expense of our relationship. So now that I’ve put my wine glass and power ballads down, and Luca has unpacked his belongings from the bin bags that littered our bedroom, we are back to being us again and it is so damn good. It’ a breath of fresh air to finally realise that we don’t have to please anyone but ourselves, and if we both can’t agree on something then neither of us will do it. And like some soppy ridiculous film we’re now hugging and smiling and taking time out together to be in each other’s company and enjoy what we have.
Having a family is both a blessing and a challenge at the same time and for all of the couples out there who feel the weight of the daily uphill struggle that is life, I have to say to you please communicate and don’t lose the most precious thing in the world to you simply for the fact of getting wrapped up in the humdrum of life. If you could never do what makes you happy then the world would really be a sad place and it never has to be.
Within a year and a half we went from laughing and smiling everyday with not a care in the world to acting like an old married couple that resent each other for the silliest things and blame the world for our own problems. But it doesn’t have to be the end of the line, everybody has the chance to turn their relationship around and revive what once made you so happy and content. And from the godawful hell that we’ve both been through this last week I now put my hand on my heart and say “F*** off” to whatever comes my way because nothing and nobody is more important than my Luca and our babies. We deserve to stay in bed all afternoon at the weekend in our pyjamas eating doritos in bed and watching The Smurfs movie with the children without feeling guilty, and if we want to say sod the shopping we’re going for ice-cream at Land’s End then that’s what we’re bloody doing. Life is too short to let time and opportunities pass you by, the opportunity to make memories and build dreams together with your children. We’ll do what we want when we want and only if we’re good and ready, and it will be to please us before others and anything else. And it might sound extreme and like we’re being heartless, but we’re not at all, we’re actually being honest to what we want, deserve and what makes us happy without the fear of letting the world down. And being happy is all about being us and doing what we actually want to do not hat we feel we have to do. We still have the responsibility of children, a home and our relationship but we’re putting ourselves first for the first time in our lives and it’s absolutely fabulous. I feel like we’re skydiving, drinking champagne for breakfast and moving the kids to Disneyland! And I couldn’t recommend it more highly.
Never allow the routine of life to knock you off of the path of happiness within your relationship. You can’t do everything and be everywhere and please everyone all of the time, and in the end you just burn yourself out and push those closest to you away. And if the people in your life honestly love you and care about you they won’t take offence to you having time for yourself and your children because they will want to see you happy, calm and relaxed, not stressing and worrying and arguing to breaking point. We all deserve our own space and time out from the humdrum and should never feel guilty for taking it. And from this day forth I will never say sorry for doing what makes me happy and putting my beautiful little family first.
And as it’s been such a hectic and emotional time my gym routine has obviously suffered in favour of comfort food and wine bottles, which is disgustingly represented in my little chart here that resembles the routine of a slob. But hey ho, I deserved my relationship epiphany because God knows we’d both suffered enough to finally hit a wall and come out the other side stronger and happier than ever. But next week I will make up for my lack of gym action and endeavour to attain my first ever six-pack of abs. Whether or not the copious amounts of alcohol and chocolate in my kitchen will spoil my attempts remains to be seen.
And I was both shocked, relieved and reflective of my three-pound weight loss this week, which is undoubtedly down to the stress and heartache of what Luca and I went through. Although I’ve lived off of junk food and burnt the candle at both ends, my diet has been over indulgent and sporadic at such an uncertain time, but I am relieved to be back on track and eating sensibly again instead of binging on junk and swallowing my heart into my stomach with sadness. And it’s the first time in five years, since before I had Millie that I now weigh fewer than nine stone and I have to say I frickin love it. Why? Because I feel good about myself for once, I’m within a healthy BMI and weight band for my height and gender, I’m not obese, I’m not anorexic, I’m officially classified as ‘ideal’ for once in my life and my clothes are my friends. My muffin top has buggered off; my love handles have flown south for the winter and my stomach no longer folds over when I sit down. I am so blissfully content with my life, my relationship and my physique and I have achieved it all through damn hard work, exercise and determination. Excuse me whilst I pat myself on the back and play with my little trumpet here.
Gabriele is still a cheeky chicken nugget and his poor little gummies are making him into a right dribble chops as his two top front teeth are cutting through and he looks like a red chubby bunny bless him. He keeps waking throughout the night for several minutes as a time before falling back to sleep and mumbling to himself as he suckles his gums and wriggles onto his tummy.
I can’t believe he’ll be a year old soon and we’re so excited to see his hair finally growing! What an amazing experience it is to watch our babies grow and how blessed we all are to have each other.
As you can see our little cannon ball has now mastered the art form of stair climbing and I’m going to catch him on video tomorrow. So it’s another zone of territory that the munchkin has captured in our home and I’m adding more eyes to the top, side and rear of my head to accommodate. Octopus mothers eat your heart out!
And it’s only a matter of time before I catch his little bunny teeth on camera because he looks so cute when he grins I can’t help but smile. x x