I am so pleased that my blog is inspiring and encouraging so many of you guys and girls to get healthy and keep fit. I love it when I get your emails and questions and I totally respect the anonymity of everybody who contacts me privately and therefore I will never share your details or refer to your identity in any online material because I want you all to feel comfortable in speaking to me openly and honestly; that is unless you leave a comment on this post below in which case the whole world can see because sharing is caring chickadees!
So as I’ve recently had a lot of questions about my weight loss following the birth of my second child I thought rather than repeat myself over each time I will write it in a blog post and share it with the world. Now I’m not for anorexia, I don’t want to be a sick looking bone and get chased by wild dogs when I leave my house and I don’t want to encourage people to diet and feel unhappy about carrying any excess weight. That’s not what I’m about and I hope that my readers realise I’m not some self-obsessed barbie-doll wannabe who only cares about looks and calories, because it couldn’t be more further from the truth. I am a mother, and a woman, my priorities are first and foremost my family and anything concerning myself comes last if and when there is time to do so. I have not set out to upset, offend or make anybody feel bad with what I am about to write, I am simply sharing with you my outlook on life, my perspective and what has driven me to be able to maintain a good weight. I am about to give life a good spanking and run myself down and share with you my insecurities in the hope that you’ll connect with just one word of the million I am about to share. So make of it what you will and bitch about it if you have to, just don’t blame it all on me.
Now, I strongly believe that food itself does not define the size that you are, it’s how you are as a person that matters. And I know that probably sounds ridiculous right now but give me a minute, I have been the size of a pin and the size of a sausage factory, I’ve had kids, put on weight and lost weight again so I think I’ve gathered a fair bit of lard-induced experience on weight loss so stick with me and you might just catch my train of thoughts here.
At eighteen I was a glamour model and I spent a lot of time wearing very little clothes. My body confidence was really tested to its limits in every aspect and having to cope with feeling inferior with my body hangups, being criticised over what I weighed and having the things that I said and did made into Chinese Whispers it was a pretty difficult time emotionally because I saw a lot of back stabbing going on and it gave me very little trust in people because the world I was surrounded by was fake. Fake smiles, fake friendships and people selling stories to make money.
Now I also recognise at this time I was changing from a child to a woman, I rarely had periods because I had such a low BMI, I have a hormone imbalance which throws off everything to do with daily life and I had my heart broken enough times to make me lose faith in the human race.
I can look at this picture of me here and sob into a cupcake that I don’t look like this anymore, this was taken almost eight years ago before I had my two beautiful children. I generally had a care-free life, I slept a minimum of eight hours a night and I had a nice comfortable career to support my high maintenance lifestyle. So I can allow myself to accept that this was me in THE PAST. Therefore I will never look like this ever again. The past is over. I have aged, I have matured and I am a mother now. It’s a lovely memory to look back on and something that I will always be proud to say that I was once so glamourous. Would I want to be like that again now? Bloody hell yes! But in reality I’m not eighteen anymore and I never will be, so it doesn’t give me any qualms to look back at what I used to be/have/look like and smile.
But the time that it does become dangerous is when you actually believe that you can be what you used to be, that is to think that you were once slim/young/able and you will be again. Well, that could well happen if you work hard enough for it, but it’s not a God given right that you deserve to look the way you did before adulthood, because you can only achieve something through hard work and determination, which only comes with time and effort and will never ever happen overnight unless you have a huge bank balance and a fantastic surgeon. You can’t blame the world because your appearance has changed, you can’t feel cheated out of something that you once had because it was you who took it away from yourself, you alone travelled to the point that you are at now and nobody else. I had two children, I put on weight with my pregnancies and I decided I didn’t want to carry the excess weight I had gained. So I did something about it.
Life is like a game of monopoly, when you begin it you’re young and vibrant, the banker gives you £10,000 out of the goodness of his heart to get you started and you chuck it at whatever comes your way without a care in the world. You didn’t have to work for it, you didn’t have responsibility or an understanding of the cost and value of everything you have, you just do what pleases yourself. It’s not until you’ve wasted everything and lost what was once given to you so easily that you realise how hard it is to get even just an ounce of it back. Life isn’t easy, it’s hard, and you have to be prepared to work hard if you want to do well, if not then don’t blame the world for what you’ve caused.
When I was a model I didn’t workout, my abs could crack walnuts and my arse cheeks were like a peach and I did absolutely nothing to deserve or earn that. When I had my children I would look at other girls and women who hadn’t had kids and admire their slender hips or flawless skin and think oh my god, I’m never going to have that again and yeh it got me down, to start with. And then I thought why can’t I have that? If I want it then there’s nothing that can stop me trying until I get it.
But there is! And do you know what that is? Your heart and mind. Your outlook on life is your biggest threat to your body and it all comes from what’s inside, how you think and how you feel. I’ve lived my life on a roller-coaster as I’m sure 99.9% of you all have, you have good times and bad times, love and heartbreak, loss and ruin, but everyday is a new opportunity and chance to start over.
When I was eighteen I didn’t know what determination and drive was, because my life was effortlessly perfect, if I was on a sinking ship I’d have fluttered my eyelashes and waited non-fussed expecting a hunky sailor to save me; but now I’d be swimming my arse off to keep my head above water and make it back to land safely to be there for my children. And I’ve recognised in times when life is difficult my weight is the first thing to change. Through heartache my appetite disappears completely and in the past I’ve cried myself to sleep only to realise I hadn’t even ate or drank all day, not deliberately or in the hope of losing weight, but through numbness and the pain of emotion. And if I’ve been pissed off with an event or the state of a relationship with friends or family I can give Bridget Jone’s a run for her money and pack away takeaways, wine and junk like it’s my last day on earth. But neither way does anything for your health, starvation or binge eating will never make you happy, because you’re not happy in yourself.
Therefore, the only way you can lose weight is to look at yourself in the mirror, no holds barred, physically, emotionally and logically and be ruthlessly honest with yourself and accept what you have. Now my mirror is a complete and utter bitch, but I can never hide from her, she hits me with the hard stuff and I’m grateful for the realisation of the truth that she brings. When I look in my mirror, this is what I see:
A 25 year old mother of two, with a large forehead, wonky bottom teeth, thin hair, stretch marks, bent-looking feet, signs of wrinkles, black circles from sleep deprivation and cracked nails from too much manual work. When I look inside my heart I see an unmarried woman with two children by different fathers, mourning over having had a miscarriage just over a year ago, heartache from losing people who I have loved, an oversized self-conscience that makes me put everything and everyone above my own needs, and panic that I have not yet provided the life I had always dreamed of for my children. And when I look inside my head I see the mansion that I do not live in, a sports car that isn’t on my driveway and a swimming pool filled with money that hasn’t made its way anywhere near my bank account. I see failed opportunities in life and situations in and around my home and family still up in the air that make me feel uneasy that I have yet to correct but am putting off for want of a quiet life. No doubt it gives me stress and wrinkles and keeps me awake at night after our crying baby has long since fallen asleep, but I only have myself to answer to and nothing and nobody else. I can fix every issue in my life, wealth, health, love and my future, I have the power.
The more truthful you are with yourself the more honest you can be about life. I don’t hate myself, despite what my bitch mirror says; and equally I’m not in love with myself, despite the fact that I take pictures in my underwear and post them on the internet for the entire world to see. And why do I do this? Because when you take yourself down to your bare bones, figuratively speaking, and you assess what it is that makes you you and the things that really matter, you realise appearance is only what’s on the outside. It doesn’t define you, it isn’t the be all and end all and it certainly shouldn’t control your life. I may share pictures of my body with the world cheerfully in my bra and knickers now, but if you look back on my blog eight months ago you will see the exact same shots of me almost four stone heavier the day after I gave birth and was in the worst physical state of my life. I am living proof that my journey has worked, I set myself a goal to slim back down after having my second child, I worked hard and I achieved it. I had no help, I made no fuss, I didn’t rely on others, I knew what I had to do and I got on with it. And now I can reap the rewards of fitting back into my clothes and feeling good about myself.
But what ruins your chances of losing weight is thinking that life can be easy, believing in a diet that will make you half the size you are now in just thirty days, or that weight loss surgery will make you a model overnight. Well it won’t, it doesn’t and there’s no way on God’s earth that it ever can. Because life isn’t easy, it never will be and that’s why we’re not all supermodel millionaires already. When you diet you deprive yourself of certain foods, when in fact you should eat all foods in moderation. I became a vegetarian at the age of seven, not because I had an understanding of weight or health at that age but because I didn’t like the taste of meat, just as some people don’t like the taste of brussel-sprouts. If I were to sit on my arse all day watching daytime television and stuffing my face with fast food I will never be rich and I will never be slim and that’s for certain. Even people who have gastric bands don’t have it easy because they have to change the way they eat forever, they’ll never be able to have a normal portion of food ever again and surely that’s worse than trying and failing at a diet.
It’s cravings for food that make us overeat and put on weight or become unable to lose weight, but why do we crave certain foods at certain times? Because our lifestyle and emotional state dictates to our stomach what to put into it. When I’m having a rubbish day and I feel down I don’t even hesitate to eat a family sized bar of fruit and nut and put on my dressing gown and wallow on the sofa, but come the morning when the harsh light of reality hits and I realise that one bar has accounted to almost 1000 calories I realise that it really wasn’t worth it, I’m no happier about what upset me in the first place and now my bum cheeks have the ammunition to creep out over my jeans.
And when I have a good day and I eat healthily and workout I feel so much better, but do I enjoy it as much as a lazy day and junk food? No, because what’s good for us isn’t fun and what’s fun for us isn’t good! And the sooner you come to terms with life and your mirror being a bitch, and healthy being boring then the sooner you can do something to change your life for the better.
If you have money problems, debts, credit cards and overheads don’t moan about it and run yourself down, it won’t change anything, it won’t make you richer, instead smile about what you wasted it all on, accept that you should’ve earned it before you spent it first and then work your arse off to pay it back and then the weight will be off of your shoulders.
If you have relationship problems and you’re unhappy with your friends or family or an awkward situation you may be in, don’t worry about offending people, don’t stress over if’s, but’s and maybe’s just be brutally honest with yourself and what you need, shout, scream and flush that shit out of your life and get your point across and allow yourself to be happy. Don’t be scared, be invigorated, be open, be honest and be happy!
And if you’re unhappy about your weight don’t feel bad about it, see it as a challenge, the only way is up, each step forward is one less that you have to take to reach your ideal weight, each drop of sweat when you’re working out is one less from those rock hard abs and peachy arse you once had. The harder you work the faster it happens. The more you try the less you’ll cry. Hit life in the face with rock hard determination, positivity and a drive to succeed. You CAN do it, but you have to want to. You have to believe in yourself and be happy with your emotional state. Nobody is perfect, nobody will ever have an easy life and nobody will ever work harder than you can for your own dreams. So do something about it. Fix up your shit, man up and go and get that flat stomach or that ten-bedroom house, and when all the sweat and tears have finished and you’re sitting on top of the world, remember that you read my blog and I haven’t yet visited the Bahamas or flown on a private jet so that’s something nice you might want to give me in return.
And I WILL see you at the top, and I hope that you’ll join me there for a very long time. Because life is too short to pretend you’re happy when you’re not and you’re a bloody long time dead to be wasting opportunities that you have in life. Amen!
Now, if you actually want to know how I stay in shape months after giving birth to my second child then you are finally ready to understand. I work out for an hour at a time at least four times each week, for me I enjoy cycling and I have an exercise bike at home, I lift 9kg weights on my arms and do around 600 sit ups a week until I get a friction burn on the small of my back and have to stop. I run around after my children day and night and never take a break or feel cheated of my own time because I am a mother and my children need me. I put 110% into everything I do in life. I start everything with the determination to see it through until the end. I make each day count and set myself goals in life to be better and do more and make the future brighter for myself and my children. And I live for the future and not in the past. You can’t buy back time, moaning can’t bring back missed opportunities and if’s, but’s and maybe’s won’t pay the bills. So I work and I work and I work some more, and when I’m finally done working I work out. So take your tomorrow and the opportunity that it brings and use it to go and get your dreams.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, now after all of that please use the box below to tell me what you think and we’ll do this together! You can’t ever fail if you never stop trying!
2 CommentsLeave a comment
You are totally awesome and inspiring. I was about to cut another slice of cake but instead made cup of tea and helped the children with homework….and of course read your blog!!! Xx
Thank you, I’m glad you like it! 🙂 x