So…. my period is due tomorrow and I’ve been having a few aches and pains and I’m praying it’s not the dreaded jam! I’ve been trying to take my mind off of it recently and a few shopping trips and days out have really distressed me. It’s quite strange how I’ve been able to come to terms with and accept what had happened and what we hope will happen now, as when people ask me I now feel happy to let them know that we want a baby whenever the time is right for us. I’ve also realised the amount of people around me who silently follow the same path of trying and have their heart broken so many times just for wanting somebody they can give their unconditional love to. Much like the secret world of miscarriages that I discovered, where millions of mothers-to-be share their heart breaking stories of babies they have lost too soon on forums across the world. I was always so naive when it came to the thought of children, believing if you wanted a baby it’s there for order whenever you decide the time is right, but now I see that mother nature doesn’t always work to your schedule; and sadly through no fault of your own you can only wait, hope and pray but there are no guarantees that you’ll ever be answered.
When I see young mums pushing their babies around while others are at work, stood outside McDonald’s with a fag in one hand and their baby whimpering for a feed while they first stop to chat to their friends I want to shout at them but somehow I bite my tongue; all I want to do is make them open their eyes to what they have. A child is so much more precious than anything you will ever have in your life, and smoking and ignoring it’s cries, it makes my heart ache. There are so many should-be-mothers who would give those children their all, and so many girls who have children to avoid working or for want of a free handout life and it’s so badly wrong. I don’t know if it’s me being mushy after our loss or if I’m turning into a preacher but I just wish every child would be told everyday how special they are and how much love they have from their parents.
I’m actually dreading tomorrow now, because I’ve put all of my hopes and dreams into one small part of my heart that I feel like I want to be sick. I can’t imagine tomorrow ever coming, and I’m quite expecting the earth to stop spinning and grind to a halt before gradually going back the other way just to spite me.
Please help me just this once x