With only five weeks and two days left to go I’ve been on a mega mission to get everything sorted out! One minute I feel like a strong warrior protecting the kingdom and making everything safe; and the next I feel like a useless dehydrated worm flopping about on top of the soil on a hot dry day. I flitter between being both invincible and then destroyed in the blink of an eye and it’s very frustrating. I think I need to call out a handyman to fix my body thermostat because I’ve had so many hot sweats recently if I were to walk around with my eyes closed I’m sure I could convince myself I’m on a tropical islands somewhere just off of the equator.
I was very sweetly spoilt rotten the other day by Luca and his mum when they arranged for me to have my hair done, and it was lovely to have a little me time because I have to admit I was looking and feeling much like my knackered old dishcloth which coincidentally I threw away this morning as it was battered! I always feel a sense of guilt when parting with such loyal household equipment as washcloths, hoovers, fridges etc. I think it’s because you get so used to them, you see them everyday, know the ins and outs of how they work and through no fault of their own through time and selfless hard work they wear away and break down and end up on the scrap heap despite their undivided loyalty. And when you replace them the newer model always seems so alien, even if it’s like-for-like it takes a while to break in and to feel comfortable with it. But in this case I very much welcomed the change and new hair, it’s strange how you go from taking such care in your grooming and appearance before having children, then as the years creep in and more important things take over you hardly realise how you let yourself go until you’re totally unrecognisable.
So I’m looking forward to some nice pampering after Gabriele is here and all is settled and well, starting with a tan! Then my checklist of repairs can be undertaken, teeth whitening, eyebrow shaping and tinting, new breasts – which given the fact they may be PIP is more of a precaution than a luxury, and finally working out and looking and feeling fit and healthy again. I feel like a wobbly pale mess right now and was extremely excited the other day to have bought six new pairs of big knickers in a size ten for the fact of my poor piles not being able to withstand another second of wearing a g-string, see, I officially need help! I’m looking forward to fitting into my skinny jeans, to drop a dress size or two and feel so much more mobile and able again. I can’t wait to not have to worry every time I go to the toilet over the paranoia of finding blood, or racking my brain to realise if Gabriele has kicked today or not. I won’t miss the heartburn or lack of breath, the pounding in my head and the lack of energy over the smallest tasks. But I will miss the feeling of carrying a child, because despite the pain and discomfort it really is the most magical feeling in the world to know this little bear is inside me giving me cuddles tucked up so close to my heart is just amazing.
So I soldier on one day at a time, edging ever closer to the big day. With it being the 1st of April it was a great feeling to pull a page off of the kitchen calendar covered in scribbles and crossed off dates that have gone by, and to see a fresh white page smiling back at me. I wonder if we will meet Gabriele on this page if he arrives a week earlier than his due date on the 8th of May? I also wonder how many scribbles have yet to annoyingly make their way onto my crisp clean white page that is now so calm and reassuring, but will no doubt fill up faster than my under-sized wheelie bin with menial tasks and chores to keep me flustered until the big day arrives. I also begin my countdown of leaving work for maternity on the 10th of April, so now I have nine days left at work, which fits nicely on two hands for me to count down on my fingers. It’s a funny feeling, like waiting to board a plane to go on holiday, you’re in the departures lounge about to check your baggage and you know in a small matter of time everything will be different. I may not be going to another country, more of another life, into the unknown, a foreign world but greatly anticipated.
Millie is also on half term for two weeks for the Easter holidays now and we started it off with a nice sleepover last night as me and Millie cuddled up in our pyjamas in Mummy’s ‘big bed’ watching Saturday night TV, eating nibbles and chattering away. It was lovely to have a girly night together, and I realise we won’t have much time in future for just the two of us again because there will be a cheeky little baby dividing up our attention. I’ve been so used to it being just us two I almost think of us as the same person, as if I wouldn’t be anybody without Millie, she is the other half that makes me whole in a way. She’s always on my mind and in my heart and always will be, but when Gabriele arrives I guess I have to get some heart food to grow it that little bit bigger and make way for twice the love and cuddles. It was lovely to watch her sleeping, as it’s something I rarely get to do these days as she has her big girl’s bunk bed and being the size of a large dinosaur I can’t get up her ladder so instead I have to crane my neck to try and get a glimpse of her in her little castle in the sky when all she can see of me is my eyes and nose sticking up from below. But to see her tucked up all cosy next to me, so peaceful as she dreamed of little bunnies was lovely. I tickled her hair and kissed her forehead as she nodded off and then just sat watching her in amazement, she is so perfect to me, my little angel that I have been blessed with. x x x x x