Gestation: 34weeks

Now I really don’t want to be one of those women who get themselves into a sticky situation and then all they do is moan about it, because I’m a strong believer that if you’ve made your bed then you lie in it! BUT! Mary, Jesus and Joseph am I in pain!

My Baby Bump At 34 Weeks

It really is the funniest yet most tragic situation to be in that I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or order myself a zimmer frame, because I have the dreaded ‘P’ and it’s like never before. I’m squeezing my buttocks together just to hold my insides back because I’m scared that one false step and my intestines, lungs and possibly eyeballs may come tumbling onto the floor!

Trying to apply my Anusol cream this morning whilst bending backwards in the mirror and navigating my bump was a task in itself and I’m paranoid I’ll have a white bird-poo looking patch on my trousers at work. I seem to recall drunken-limboing on a hot beach in my teens been a million times easier than this tedious task today. And sitting down! Don’t even get me started, let’s just say I am not friends with my car today, nor the ridiculous bumps in the road leading up to my house I’m more than tempted to stuff a cushion down my trousers but I’d be worried that people would believe it was actually a part of my framework as I already look and feel the size of a house and still have six weeks to go. I got out of the shower this morning and put on a white dressing gown whilst waiting for my hair to dry, and when I walked past the mirror I actually laughed at myself because I looked the spitting image of a big white American fridge, I was half expecting to see a stack of eggs and salad when I looked in my pockets. Alas, it is far better to laugh than cry over the state that we become when building little people. And I’m actually really happy and cheerful today, even if you can’t tell. There’s a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face, and a huge ‘P’ wedged between my buttocks! If anything it’s great for your posture, I’ve never stood so straight and pert trying desperately to hold in the discomfort, and people seem a lot more cheerful around you when they clock the fact that you’re walking like you’ve soiled yourself. So it’s not all bad I suppose.

I had a bit of a wobbly moment at the weekend though; you know when nothing seems to go right? I was trying to get dressed and couldn’t find the breath to even get my socks on, bending and huffing and puffing only to give up, and when I did finally find something to wear I looked like a man in drag when I looked in the mirror so it was back to the drawing board. By the time I got to the bathroom to brush my teeth I was in tears and Luca found me sitting on the side of the bath, toothbrush hanging out of one side of my mouth sobbing away to myself; and when he asked what was wrong I just cried all the more and said desperately “I don’t know!” By the time my makeup was on I could have given Kung-Fu Panda a run for his money, my eyes were puffy, my skin looked and felt terrible and the tears had made my hair stick to my face. I just felt shakey and weak all day and all I wanted to do was curl up in a hot bath and close my eyes and soothe away the stress and sadness. But the joys of living in a newbuild house, with a spacesaver bath means when you get an ankle in all of the water gets out, and a normal person would find it uncomfortable laying in the bath with their ankles by their chin, but I doubt even one of my thighs would even fit now. But Luca was very patient with me bless him, it’s not often that I have a meltdown, well hardly ever actually, but when I do it’s as if my hormones know it will be a while again before any emotion can surface so they send out the invites and brings all their friends along for the ride! When I got home Sunday evening I just folded into a pile of cushions and switched off from the world, I feel I have a greater understanding of the plight of the donkey now and am considering adopting one next year for the kids.

Gabriele is being very active as always, I’m convinced the steroids have turned him into a meaty pro-wrestler and any second now he’ll punch an iron fist through my stomach before hitting me over the head with a fake fold-up chair! He seems so much stronger this last week. I used to coo “Aww isn’t that sweet” after his little ripple-wiggles across my tummy and now it’s more like “GOD HELP ME!” when he breaks through my ribs and leaves me rooted to the spot in pain clutching onto anything around me for dear life. Thank you little bubba.

Gabriele’s Cot Set Up In Our Bedroom

We offically have all of our baby belongings purchased, placed and ready to go. Including his little cot and baby mobile next to our bed which I have to confess, when I get a moment alone I go and cuddle the teddy bears and listen to the beautiful little twinkling tune that the mobile plays, off in a little daydream of my own thinking of when he will be here. If the neighbours could only see me! Ha!

So it’s only six weeks to go, but it feels like a lot longer, I guess when you can see the finish line on the horizon it suddenly seems so far away even though you’ve never been as close until now. I hope I will have enough time for my little ‘P’ problem to go away before the birth, but not enough for it to go away and come straight back again like Millie’s colds always seem to do at preschool. Speaking of Millie she’s been a little star, baking cookies for her Granddad’s birthday, writing out cards, wrapping presents, she even did my hair last night; albeit I had a bright orange clip in my fringe and a backcombed birds nest for an updo but it melted my heart how gentle she was, and it was priceless to see the look of concerntration on her face as she put so much effort into making Mummy look better, working away with her little hands and standing up on the sofa behind me to reach around my global sized head. It’s tough being a big girl in a four year olds body bless her! We spoke about Gabriele in the car on the way to school this morning, and how Millie will still sit in the front and Gabriele will be in the back because she’s a big girl and he’s a baby, and she said she’d hold him like a teddy bear on her lap and use her arms as a seatbelt to keep him safe she really is such a little sweetheart, I wish I could cuddle her right now, although it may disrupt her teachers and peers if she’s sat at her little desk at school with a smiling American fridge hanging off her ankles. But after I’m home from work she will definately have THE biggest squishiest loveliest cuddle ever. Fact. x x x


About author View all posts Author website

Tracy Kiss

Social influencer, Bodybuilder, Mother, Vegan
London, UK

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.