Well I’m holding out and going strong! Thank God everything seems ok so far. I’ve been totally knocked out this last week and seem to have no energy after 3pm each day. Even though I feel shattered and can’t wait to get to bed I’m waking up constantly to go to the loo and it’s making me more tired than if I never went to bed at all.
I had a bit of a scare yesterday as I’ve had – sorry to be crude- loose pooping for a few days now and had stomach cramps, and when the miscarriage happened before I had the same feeling to constantly want to push and it got me a bit teary before work yesterday. I tried to call the doctor for reassurance but the lines were busy and I had to leave for work, the info pack I’d been given had mobile numbers for two midwives but I couldn’t get through, and my internet connection decided to reset itself so that I couldn’t Google the symptoms. I panic read a few pages of our baby book for answers whilst putting on my shoes and finding the car keys, all of which associated loose toileting with impending labour, which shattered my nerves. But then I came across foods that can and can’t be eaten with one of them being ice-cream because of the raw egg content and realised I’d had a taste of Millie’s ice-cream the other day when we went to lunch and put it down as a tummy upset. Still I spent the rest of the day feeling nervous and sick praying that I wouldn’t find blood every time I went to the toilet and so far there have been no signs. I feel like I’m living on the edge everyday and I wish I could forget the fears that I have, but somehow they always creep back. I don’t want to taint our happy pregnancy with such bad thoughts because I want to look back and remember this as a wonderful time in our lives; but my naivety has been stolen by our miscarriage and I feel less emotionally prepared for a stress free transition to the second and third trimester.
On a lighter note my body is still changing shape, although only gradually. I wouldn’t say I look pregnant but I’ve definitely been eating more, I can’t get enough of ice-cold full fat milk and fresh runner beans and sweet corn. If food superpowers are anything to go by we’ll be having a green-giant marathon runner bone baby! But I couldn’t be happier regardless of how our little one turns out, I just can’t wait to cuddle an ickle baby and snuggle up and eat rusks together.
It’s not long until Millie’s 4th birthday in three weeks and I’ve got her lovely presents already wrapped and bows and badges and cards ready. I can’t wait to see her face when she unwraps her presents, almost as much as I can’t wait to see her smile when she meets her new brother or sister. I know she’ll be the best big sister in the whole world and I’m charging my camera ready!
