Well today I received my letter from the hospital booking me in for our scan on the 28th of October, which will be the week after Luca’s birthday once we’re home from holiday and I’m more than a little nervous. When I opened the envelope and saw the NHS logo on the corner of the letter I felt butterflies in my heart and had the biggest smile on my face. I’ve got the letter pinned to the fridge with turtle shaped magnets and Millie’s lovely pictures she’s made for us at school. I thought it would give me something to be hopeful for and look forward to, but in a strange way it’s almost done the opposite. You know when you see a ladder in the street and cross over the road so you don’t walk under it, or not wanting to step on a crack in the pavement or spill salt without chucking some over your shoulder for fear of bad luck? Well that’s how I feel now when I walk past the fridge. I almost don’t want to make eye contact with the paperwork incase of something terrible happening; like sailors being so close to the rocks not looking at the beautiful mermaids because they’re trying to cause a shipwreck. I considered taking it down and putting it in the cupboard, but then I thought it might be a bad omen of never getting to the stage of our scan like before.
I feel like I’m on a silly emotional rollercoaster for no reason at all. I keep choking up with sadness for no reason whatsoever, but I have no idea why. I’m still me and still logical, but there’s this little thought in the back of my mind that doesn’t let me rest or relax, whether it’s torturing me or grounding me I can’t tell. Please stay strong for us little butterbean, Mummy could do with a cuddle right now. x x x x