At the age of eighteen I was scouted by MTV to be a model/actress for a documentary whilst working in an office. I went on to be signed to a daily national newspaper as a glamour model, appearing frequently in magazines, working as an actress for hidden camera shows and appearing regularly as a special guest on television, with personal appearances and photo signings across the country. At eighteen I had the world at my feet and a passion and drive for life.
In 2007 I discovered I was pregnant some months after the split of a relationship, and shortly before my final teenage years I had to face the concept of ending a successful modelling career and the lavish lifestyle I had become accustomed to in order to have a child.
This is a blog taken from a social networking site that I was using at the time, accounting each stage of my pregnancy from when I first found out to a few weeks after the birth. As a model I would frequently write to my fans about my work and this blog accumulated a large following from across the world as a result which I would like to share with you now. I welcome you to take an insight into my life and how the bittersweet discovery of having a child so young has made me the person I am today.
Recently I have been in and out of the doctors for various reasons and it was understood that I had developed some health issues. As such, I was being monitored closely and often had bad spells and fainting, but thought nothing of it as at times I go a little overboard working out and, if honest, I don’t always eat as much as I should if I’m busy. Well two days ago I had a bad turn and went to see my GP as this was becoming a little too frequent for my liking and I didn’t want it to start affecting my work, it’s hard enough trying to hold posture and poses balancing on sky scraper heels under hot studio lights without fainting!
I was expecting a regular check up, the usual blood test, heart monitor, weighing and to be told my BMI is too low and eating more dairy and protein in my vegetarian diet wouldn’t go amiss. But to my utter devastation this time they picked up on something they never saw before.
They told me I am pregnant and it hit me harder than a speeding train. The very second my doctor told me I was sat at her desk and as the words left her mouth the blood drained from my entire body so instantaneously I felt as if I were being pulled into the ground by a great weight. My face suddenly flushed and my mouth filled with saliva that wouldn’t subside no matter how many times I swallowed. I’ve never heard such powerful words that could affect my life so wholly, and all I could do was shake and mutter “I can’t be.” And I balled like a silly baby in front of her for some time, unable to hide my heartache. And the worst part of all, she thinks I’m quite far-gone!
Walking back home was the longest most sobering walk of my life. As I placed each foot before the other, getting ever closer to my family home, I walked almost grudgingly, because if I thought if I delayed my journey or better still, never made it back home, then maybe this situation wouldn’t be happening. If only I could walk backwards, into the doctor’s surgery and back out of the door so that it would never have happened. I’d have given anything to turn the clock back half an hour, to restore the happiness and peace of mind I had only earlier that morning. If I had never have gone, by now I’d be sitting in the sunshine outside a bistro having lunch with my best friend talking about plans for our holiday next month. I found an anxious hand touching the skin of my stomach to try and locate this anonymous person who had been hiding inside me for so long unnoticed. I couldn’t tell if the tenseness of my stomach was down to my obsessive fitness regime or that a body really had been forming inside me for some time. I wanted to be sick, like swallowing a fly, this is like an invasion of my body, I didn’t give my permission for something to grow inside me and I’ve always taken necessary precautions for this never to happen.
Well by the time I got home I’d composed myself as best I could, but it didn’t make walking through the door any easier. As soon as I got inside I was greeted by my mum who saw the hollowness of my behaviour as I looked at her so hopelessly. And it was the first time I said the words, “I’m pregnant.” As if saying them aloud had suddenly signed me to a contract that I could never back out of.
Last night was horrible, I hardly slept a wink. I cried until my eyes ran out of tears, until I was just left with empty whimpering’s into my pillow. My eyes feel so raw today and I look as though I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards! My brain feels like it’s throbbing but I think I’ve actually accepted, if that’s even the right word, that this is how it has to be from now on. I just can’t believe that I’ve been pregnant for however long without knowing!! I would’ve thought I’d be able to feel something inside me, aren’t you supposed to throw up and crave weird food when you’re pregnant and start glowing?
As it stands I am currently single through my own choice. I have great support from my family, which has surprised me as I was expecting a telling off instead! I’m not sure about my ex partner, I don’t see any way of being in a relationship with him now or ever again for that matter. I would rather raise a child with two loving parents, than an arguing couple. Actually I’d rather raise a child in a happy marriage with a lovely house and a good income but I guess things are sent to try us, and this is my time to prove myself.
The timing and situation is definitely not ideal, the pregnancy was not planned but is definitely not a mistake. I will never turn my back on another’s life and will give this child my all. Things happen for a reason and I count this as a blessing. I don’t know if this is the novelty of the idea, or if I am OK about this, but I want to be the best parent that I can.
I had an ultrasound at the hospital earlier, which has really opened my eyes and made this all so real to me. It also made me feel completely young and stupid as they told me I am four and a half months pregnant and that the baby is due on the day of my 20th birthday in October. FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS! That’s half a pregnancy already!? How mental is that!
At the hospital the waiting room was filled with couples sharing seats and children running about playing with a box of toys and books in the corner. When I looked around the room all the other girls seemed to have bumps for their babies in their floaty tent clothes, and I was there in skinny jeans, a tight top and sandals, I felt like I was in the wrong queue for the nail salon! I couldn’t help but look at the kids that were there, their heads seemed so big and childlike, and they squealed all high-pitched and made such a fuss tormenting their parents for being bored or wanting to climb on the table or run down the corridors. I really hope my baby won’t be like that, surely if you raise them to be quiet and polite and not jump about then they’ll do as they’re told. Their parents obviously don’t give them enough time or aren’t strict enough. Or maybe it’s part of being a little boy to smash things and scream and fight…I really don’t want it to be a boy! God if I can have any choice in this matter please give me a girl, a sweet and delicate little princess. I can’t imagine being on my own with somebody else’s son, as cold as that may sound I don’t want some Phil Mitchell thug son head butting me to make me feed him sausage and beans out of a plastic bowl in some scummy bedsit.
When my name was called I walked into the room with my mum, feeling like I was about to be told off by my old head teacher, you know it’s serious when a parent has to come with you. But I was glad she was with me today, because she’s done it all before, only she was married at the time and had her life all planned out. But never the less, I’m so thankful she’s on my side.
The first time I saw the medicine bed thing (not sure what it’s called) I recognised it from an episode off of Friends when Rachel was having her baby. That big green shiny plastic bed covered in paper towel, not 100% sure what the paper towel is for? Maybe they get dirty people coming for scans and they don’t want the bed to get mouldy? Or maybe it’s polite like receiving a napkin at dinner?
I lifted up my shirt and they squeezed some horrible cold gel onto my stomach, which made me jump. As I looked down at my belly and thought how lovely and tanned and toned it was, with my cute little diamond belly button studs twinkling back at me. Just like the baby that’s inside me, a little life twinkling from my tummy, just please don’t take up too much room and be a good little bump so I don’t have to lose my piercings.
When the scan started she dug the hand piece into my stomach and pulled my trousers down and I was shocked at how low they have to go to find the baby! I thought babies grow behind your belly button but maybe I had a Brazilian nurse doing the scan!! Haha. After a few minutes of moving about and clicking on some tiny computer that looked like it was out of the 80’s she turned the screen to face me and I heard this muffled methodical beating that sounded like a load of little wild horses running along a tin roof. It was the first time I heard my baby’s heartbeat, and apparently it’s supposed to be mega fast!
When she showed me the screen I smiled gormlessly at a blurry kind of vague image of the outline of this tiny little body, looking like a half banana half CSI white body outline. She showed me a picture that was of the baby’s feet, and another of its head. It was really amazing to see and afterwards I asked naively if I could have a picture to take home so that I could look at it again and show my dad. She smiled at my mum like they were both in on a joke as I lay on the special pregnant lady bed exposed and covered in goo with my newfound friend in my womb smiling!
I have now cancelled my holiday to Corfu in June this year, as I don’t think a messy party island is the best place to take a baby even though it’s inside me! Recently I’ve been a bit funny about things knowing that I’m ‘with child’! It still sounds weird. But I’ve kept away from headache tablets; I’m drinking plenty of water and eating my three meals a day. I don’t want anything to harm the baby or for anything I do to cause it to have problems.
I will be stopping work in the next few months as I spoke with the guys at the paper today, however I shall continue modelling as soon as I see fit following the birth, so in six months time I’m hoping to be back to work and better than ever. The baby so far has not shown, but in this last week I think I felt it move or it may have been indigestion from my shepherd’s pie? I’m not sure if it’s all in my head or actually in my tummy!
The child will come first over my career. But I will make every effort to get back in shape after the birth and return to my current duties. In the mean time I shall be studying and saving. I do not intend to drop everything just because I’m having a baby and will by no means give up on the responsibilities I have now secured with my career. I’ve never been one to sit and do nothing, and as much as I will enjoy being a mother I will also thrive on extending my career and returning to work.
I will find out the sex of the baby in two weeks time, which I most definitely want to know. I have no idea how people could wait to find out on the day that’s completely insane! I’m already thinking of names but have yet to decide on ones that I like.
I would like to thank everybody for your support and help, and hope that you may share in my happiness. Pictures will be following throughout my pregnancy and hopefully some adorable baby portraits after with thanks to my resident photographer xxx Watch this space!
Finding Out I Was Pregnant
Here’s a little camera snap for you to see my little baby, since I’ve upped my food intake suddenly it seems my tummy has popped out and feels huge 🙂 I’ve got a terrible sore throat today and am feeling a little run down, so I’m not exactly glowing. But I am happy and the little one is healthy so that’s all that matters! xXx