Motherhood is a profound, life-altering experience, a celebrated journey that brings forth life. Yet, beneath the beautiful narrative of creation lies a silent, often unacknowledged truth: the dramatic physical and intimate changes that childbirth, especially natural delivery, inflicts upon a woman’s physical and emotional body for the rest of her life.
For too long, society has treated these changes of stretch marks, scarring, loss of sensation, and conditions like stress urinary incontinence (SUI) as an unavoidable, untreatable cost of admission to the glory of motherhood. We are expected to accept being physically and intimately damaged for life, simply because “it happens.” Now is the time to fundamentally question this assumption and pioneer female health and wellbeing, changing the game entirely for every woman on earth.
The Unspoken Damage & The Double Standard
When our eyesight starts to deteriorate we wear glasses or have surgery. When our hearing takes a turn, we seek hearing aids or surgery. If our phones break we have them repaired or replaced, our cars serviced, our homes insured should anything untoward occur. Would any of us ever choose to live life with faulty goods that made day to day tasks so much harder? What if we were denied the right to restore something that had broken, would we appeal, or seek alternate insurance? Or roll over and accept a lower quality of life, feeling an emptiness for what once was, knowing it will never be the same. We have insurance, repair shops, and restoration experts for virtually every possible possession imaginable in our life that we value, so why do we ignore the ultimate, and totally reversible, damage caused to us by childbirth?
Why, when a woman’s most intimate anatomy is physically altered by childbirth, do we suffer through discomfort, pain, and an ongoing loss of sensation forever? As mothers we don’t even think to question it! We just keep silent and return home with our beautiful babies, putting everybody elses needs above our own. This societal norm impacts not only our physical health, but every woman’s mental, emotional, and intimate health and wellbeing too.
The core of the issue here is pervasive silence. Because these changes aren’t openly discussed, women are left to feel isolated, broken, or less of a person for having created life, with no understanding of how to address or correct such damage caused. This silence steals our self-esteem, confidence, and freedom to truly live fully as ourselves, aside from being wives, partners, mothers, sisters and daughters. We deserve to be ourselves, entirely.
The Parenthood Sales Pitch (Which Doesn’t Work Both Ways)
Imagine selling the pitch of fatherhood to a man, and his ticket for entrance is to take a year off of his career to nurse a newborn, gain 13lbs in weight during the gestation, have to quit smoking and drinking, battle bloating, sickness and stretch marks, experience the worst pain of his life to deliver the baby, and shave 1.5″ off of the length of his penis for becoming a father. Do you think that he would accept?
Now imagine you tell him, as his devoted loving wife, that you will be the one to sacrifice your career, you’ll accept the excess bodyweight, stretch marks, all of the pain and sleepless nights so that he doesn’t so much as have to lift a finger. You’ll be his surrogate to gift him with a child. He simply has to shave 1.5″ off of the length of his penis to become a father. Would he do it? I’m guessing the majority of men would decline this kind offer.
And yet, as women, we make all of these sacrifices to create life, and willingly loosen our vaginas through natural delivery, or elect to have a cesarean section which comes with its lifelong own symptoms and side effects. We add a finger or two to the width of the vagina as entry fee for becoming a mother, with a reduction in sensation because of it. I’m certainly not trying to put anybody off of having children, as I’m beyond blessed to be a mother, and I’d do it over and over again in a heartbeat. I’m simply questioning why the symptoms caused by birth are accepted as lifelong for a woman and never addressed, when they wholeheartedly should be. In a heartbeat, this should never be ignored, let alone be the norm. Could you go a day without your phone if it broke? How are we living a lifetime after giving birth with a lower quality of life?
Why I Felt Different, Not Damaged As A Mother
Having had my two children by the age of 25yrs, my natural vaginal births went perfectly to plan, with no interventions, forceps, suction, cuts or tears. I had a textbook delivery, which other than being extremely painful without pain relief, I meditated through the beauty of creating life and meeting my babies. I wasn’t given any stitches, aftercare or advice for down there, simply sent home with my new born baby to figure out motherhood.
From the moment that I discovered I was pregnant, I have devoted my entire life to my two children and feel beyond blessed to have them. I never complained, never felt sorry for myself or hard done by, despite being a single mother and juggling night feeds with working and studying with two under-five’s. Our life has flourished so beautifully, and I happily come last in priority, because my babies are and always have been my absolute purpose and drive. They eat first, they have everything they need, they feel entirely safe and protected in a beautiful routine, and whatever is left over, I enjoy the breadcrumbs. A mothers love is unconditional and you lose all sense of ego because of it. I glady give them all that I have and feel overjoyed to watch them thrive.
I therefore never felt that motherhood had changed me in any shocking way, as society told me that stretch marks happen, loose skin is normal, and a difference in the bedroom is expected. I’d seen horror stories of husbands cheating after their wives have given birth, their bodies have changed, and sex isn’t as enjoyable as before. But I accepted my fate graciously, without protesting, relieved to be a single parent sleeping soundly rather than with one eye open on a straying partner.
The keep calm and carry on mentality is something that you live by. And in more recent years, as my children are now 18yrs and 13yrs, there has been the conversation surrounding the acceptance of stretch marks and loss of breast tissue after having babies, rather than pretending it doesn’t happen, or taking steps to hide and conceal it through embarrassment or shame with padded bras and tape. I had a breast reduction and uplift surgery one year ago and absolutely love my postpartum breasts as I teeter towards 40yrs old.
And even though my body has changed externally and internally after having my children, I have always felt lucky that I didn’t have too many stretch marks, that I rebuilt my pelvic floor muscles through gym training to still enjoy my intimate life, and most people don’t realise that I’ve had a baby, let alone two, as I lead a healthy, active lifestyle as a vegan bodybuilding biohacker. You could say that I am the success story of motherhood, in some respects, as I’ve thrived in my life post-push. But also, for me personally, childbirth has changed everything about my anatomy.
I live in daily pain from a condition that I was born with, Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), which literally sets my body on fire, as all tissue is stretchy beyond its natural limits and therefore constantly inflamed. I can climb a mountain, but then faint on the spot for standing still for too long – it’s bizarre. I also have twisted bowels, irritable bowel syndrome, very heavy and painful periods and more food intolerances and insensitivities than I can count. So in the grand scheme of life, the thought of my genitalia has always far from the front of the queue for priority. Mum life takes over, and between the sleep deprivation and dance classes, you almost forget what pre-pregnancy life was like.
And so, as I’ve walked my path through life as a single parent since my children were born, I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been told that there is no sign or indication to a man that I’ve had children. And I have to question quite how much is just politeness and compliments, versus the physical individuality of every woman, as we are all constructed so uniquely internally, and have different widths and depths before, or never even, having children. We can be naturally tight or naturally loose, naturally shallow or naturally deep. I have distant memories of my intimate area aching after intercourse before having my children, and now I’m unstoppable!
I’m aware that bodybuilding has also played a huge part in my body snapping back after having my babies, and has increased my intimate strength through training. The intra-abdominal pressure and core stability required for lifting heavy weights has made my pelvic floor an absolute superstar with exercises such as squats, deadlifts, overhead free weights and heavy core lifts. This has allowed me to run, jump, sprint, climb, laugh, cough, sneeze and cartwheel without so much as a drip of moisture in my underwear, as well as enjoying a healthy and active sex life.
However, when I reached the age of 37yrs, and with my hEDS working against me through tissue laxity, I sneezed three times in a row and felt a trickle run down my leg. To say that I was horrified is an understatement – I felt humiliated! Then several months later, I laughed so hard at a joke, the same thing happened again and I immediately looked for a resolution to stress incontinence, which naturally affects women at any age, with or without having children, although it is most expected after giving birth and with increasing age.
This was the catalyst to me exploring my intimate health for the first time, as leaking urine even once was something that I wholeheartedly couldn’t get on board with as a norm because of the impact that it would have on my healthy, active lifestyle. I’m house proud and keep my home spotless, my car waxed and shining, my body maintained through fitness and nutrition, I study something new every year to keep my mind active and constantly seek to achieve optimum health and wellbeing. I feel superhuman as a biohacker, thrive on energy and wellness, and just as I wouldn’t ignore a leaking tap in my bathroom, I’m not going to turn a blind eye to leaking into my underwear. If it can be improved, we shouldn’t suffer in silence, unnecessarily.
I know that we must all grow old, accept changes to our health, mobility, agility and cognitive decline, but we can take measures to slow, if not reverse some of these processes in our younger years to lead a healthier and happier higher quality of life for longer, through investing in our healthspan and longevity. It’s a mindset that I already live by, yet had never considered my intimate health as a mother until that fateful sneeze! And now I’ve gone down a rabbit hole and researched everything, it’s absolutely blown my mind that this isn’t discussed.
I am by no means saying that a woman is any less of a person for giving birth or leaking urine, as they’re both perfectly natural experiences, and I would never want anybody to feel ashamed or embarrassed by it happening to them. But equally, I thought that I was physically ok as a mother, that I’d gotten off lightly with the impact to my body from childbirth, and have heard many horror stories of things going wrong, damage caused during delivery and the absolute loss of a sex life indefinitely. So I thought in the grand scheme of things that I was one of the lucky ones, the least impacted, a true success story for birth and recovery, which totally diminished the fact that I have experienced negative changes and only served to silence my thoughts to never even imagine questioning it. “You’re lucky you didn’t go through what I did!” But what about those ladies who have had severe complications? I cannot even begin to imagine what their reality looks and feels like, but my heart goes out to them.
I have a high libido, I fortunately still have a healthy, active sex life. But after giving birth, it’s different. And so I asked myself, why does it have to be different, let alone the inconvenience and disappointment of it staying different forever? The way that I explained it to my surgeon during my consultation, and please forgive my terminology -but if you’ve made it this far, with such invasive discussions, we’re basically besties now- “the drawstring doesn’t close like it used to”. Yup, a sports bag that you stuff your gym kit into, then pull the two cords so the opening becomes a little ‘o’ and you pop it on your back and go about your day. My “o” is more of an “O” at the entrance, but internally my pelvic floor muscles are still 21yrs old! I have vague memories of a popping sensation at the instigation of intercourse before becoming a mother, like when you put your finger into your mouth and ping the cheek to make that sound, whereas now it’s just a polite glide without the same resistance and tightness upon entrance, but the strength of the walls make up for it.
For my internal examination, my surgeon advised that two fingers in width is an ideal “tightness” for any woman, for which I need a warm-up to allow two fingers comfortably, and prefer one, so I certainly didn’t need to have intimate surgery. However, this was down to my muscles, and not my vaginal canal tissue, as my birth canal was a stretched out like a balloon, to 10cm in childbirth no doubt, which left around 8cm of excess tissue unaccounted for after inserting two fingers. The exact opposite of losing weight, and having loose skin on the surface, I had loose skin internally with strong muscles that clench and contract until the cows come home!
Jumping ahead of myself a little here, but when I had my surgery, my surgeon confirmed that under general anaesthetic when I was unconscious, my pelvic floor muscles relaxed and he could insert multiple fingers to show the true size of my birth canal post-surgery, and therefore remove the excess tissue. It’s mindful to be aware that skin and muscle are two different things, both of which contribute to intimate health and sensation, and it was my tissue that had remained stretched, many years after I’d restored my pelvic muscle strength post-birth.
Reported Statistics On Infidelity in New Parents
I hopped online to checkout the stats surrounding male infidelity after the birth of a child and this is what I found. I am by no means man-hating, simply addressing the elephant in the room which I have been victim of myself, that impacts many parents.
- A Survey from Victoria Milan:
- One survey of over 5,000 men who admitted to cheating indicated that 82% of them began to be unfaithful after having children.
- Commentary on First-Time Infidelity:
- One therapeutic source states that for men who eventually become unfaithful for the first time, 82% of that first-time infidelity occurs between the 3rd and 10th month after the baby is born.
The studies suggest that infidelity during this period is often linked to the profound changes and stresses of new parenthood, rather than just a single cause. The main reasons cited for male infidelity include:
- Emotional Dissatisfaction: For a large percentage of men surveyed (48% in one report), the main reason for infidelity was emotional dissatisfaction. They expressed not feeling appreciated, not being thought of, and being seen only as a provider rather than a partner.
- Decline in Sexual & Emotional Intimacy: The physical and emotional exhaustion of a new baby often leads to a significant decrease or temporary cessation of the couple’s sex life.
- 30% of cheating men surveyed indicated that sex with their partner stopped being passionate after the baby came
- 18% stated that their spouse turned all of their attention to the children
- Increased Stress: The high stress of caring for a newborn, lack of sleep, and financial worries all place a significant strain on the marital bond, which can exacerbate existing issues and create distance
- Feeling Unattractive/Unwanted: For some men, the changes in the partner’s body during and after pregnancy, combined with her focus on the baby, can lead to them feeling undesirable or neglected
Changes in Women’s Postpartum Sexual Activity
Research indicates there is a significant, but sometimes temporary, decline in the frequency of sexual intercourse for women after having a baby. This is common and influenced by physical recovery, hormonal changes, and the intense demands of new parenthood.
The majority of women resume sexual activity within the first year, though the timing is highly variable and often longer than the medically advised waiting period of 4 to 6 weeks. By 3 months the figures are up to 60% of activity resumed, by 6 months 87%, by 12 months up to 97%.
A 2013 study found that 53% of women had attempted sexual activity by 6 weeks postpartum, with 41% attempting vaginal intercourse by that time. The average time for couples to resume intercourse is often cited around 7 – 8 weeks postpartum.
But even after resuming sex, the frequency remains lower than pre-pregnancy levels for many couples, especially in the first few months. A longitudinal study found that for a representative couple who had a child, the chance of having sex at least weekly in the first six months was only 27% to 28%. This rate was predicted to rise slightly to 33% between months seven and twelve, and then increase further once the child was over five years old. About 88% of parents report having less sex than they did before having children, with 38% saying it was “a lot less.”
The change in frequency is not solely physical; a combination of factors drives the reduction in sexual desire and activity, as pain from vaginal tears, episiotomies, or C-section incisions is a major inhibitor. Dyspareunia, painful intercourse, is reported by a significant number of women in the first few months. Fatigue and sleep deprivation is one of the most commonly cited reasons for decreased sexual activity and desire. As well as hormonal changes of low estrogen levels, particularly associated with breastfeeding, which can cause vaginal dryness and reduced sexual desire.
Postpartum depression, anxiety, and feeling tired of physical contact after a day of baby care strongly reduce desire. And many women report feeling pressured to resume sex to satisfy their partner, though a significant percentage also cite resuming to maintain relationship harmony.
When I had my children, I certainly felt the pressure to please my partner and resume intercourse as quickly as possible, just days after birth, which evidently didn’t help them to avoid infidelity. But whilst I went above and beyond to remain considerate to the relationship, and took on the pain, suffering and changes to my body caused by pregnancy and childbirth, I felt relieved to be on my own at last as a single parent and not worry about the blinkered needs and ego of another.
Looking back now, there are such severely damaging expectations put upon women to lose weight, look perfect, maintain a quality of life and income, and raise children after giving birth. I jumped in at the deep end and had to learn to sink or swim, and whilst I took breastfeeding courses and had my babies weighed, checked and monitored every week, nobody took care of me. My suffering was locked behind closed doors and never spoken about. Instead I was praised for “not appearing to have children” when I knew that everything my body had been prior to childbirth was different to my reality now.
The Path to Healing: Surgical Reclaiming
The good news for us ladies is that medical advancements now offer resolutions and healing to trauma and damage caused by childbirth. Seeking intimate surgery is not an act of vanity; it is an act of self-care, empowerment, and reclaiming your body and your identity as a mother.
For those experiencing the physical and psychological toll of post-birth changes, these three intimate surgical procedures that I had at once are truly transformative:
- Labiaplasty: Correcting and aesthetically reshaping the labia minora, addressing discomfort, friction, and restoring symmetry and confidence to external tissue.
- Vaginoplasty: Tightening the vaginal muscles and tissues that may have been stretched or damaged during childbirth, significantly improving tone and function.
- Stress Incontinence Surgery TOT: Addressing the involuntary leakage of urine (SUI) that often plagues mothers, restoring bladder control and quality of life.
These procedures are about restoring function, comfort, and the essence of the soul, thereby allowing a woman to feel whole again, proving that life is absolutely not over for being a mother.
Confidence & Pleasure: The Ripple Effect
The physical healing achieved through these surgeries has a monumental positive impact on a woman’s life, as when we feel physically comfortable and confident in the bedroom, we can achieve maximum pleasure and satisfaction with a partner because sensation has been restored, unleashing powerful, feel-good endorphins.
This increase in intimate fulfilment and self-assuredness creates a positive ripple effect through:
- Improved Mental Health: Reduced anxiety, shame, and feelings of inadequacy
- Stronger Relationships: Enhanced connection and satisfaction with a partner
- Boosted Self-Esteem: An all-encompassing confidence that positively impacts career, social life, and personal ambition
It is the freedom to live, to feel beautiful, capable, and sensual again, regardless of age or motherhood status.
A Symbol Of Hope & Advocacy
As I underwent my own healing journey, I kept the surgical off-cuts from my labia minora and birth canal – along with some wisdom teeth and moles for good measure – as a tangible symbol of hope, healing, and taking control of my body. They represent a fierce commitment to advocate for women’s rights to not live feeling damaged or less of a person simply for creating life. Just because a loved one or school mum has shared a shocking birth story with you, or lives with greater pain or suffering, it does not diminish your right to heal and recover.
Let us be the generation that breaks this silence. We have the right to repair. We have the right to optimum health. And we have the right to feel beautiful, whole, and sensual once again. Please do not suffer in silence. Your healing journey is an act of profound self-love and is essenitial to your quality of life.
And whilst having the beautifully functioning genitalia post-birth may not stop the hubby from running off with the woman down the road, it won’t make you look any younger, slimmer, beautiful or better than anyone else. This surgery isn’t for the benefit of others, nor to please or offend; it’s for you! It has had the most profound impact on my life, and I’d be a fool for gatekeeping it, when I know that billions of women deserve to speak about about it, honestly confront it and heal from the miracle and beauty of childbirth, shining brightly once.
So ask yourself again, would you, or your partner, be prepared to give or take an inch or two to enter into parenthood? Knowing that today, we are totally capable of achieving optiMUM health through postpartum surgical healing… It’s a resounding yes from me!
