So this week I got my butt into gear and began the P90X workout after umming and ahhing over whether or not to commit to a three month gruelling routine now or on Monday, or next week or next month even; but I thought sod it, I’m not getting any younger and you never get anywhere in life by always saying ‘tomorrow’ so I bit the bullet and started my routine and I’m now one week in and absolutely loving it.
I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy doing an hour of exercise upwards each day with the two children to run after and everything resting on my shoulders, but I refuse to make excuses and come hell or high water I’m finding the time. I’ve worked out in the morning, evening and late night to fit in the routines, cooked my brown rice in advance and put portions in the fridge whilst taking the children for a walk to tire them out so that I can snatch a few minutes when we get home to train. And yes I am tired, I’m completely shattered but I’m determined to see it through; every muscle in my body aches, I sweat so hard I could fill a vase of flowers and I wince as I walk up the stairs to bed where I literally collapse knowing I’ll be woken up several times each night by my teething son. But do you know what, I find it such a great release of stress, emotion and hurt, to focus on something and give it your all simply makes all the problems of life melt away for that instant and it’s something I really needed.
I was fortunate enough to meet the fantastic female bodybuilder and Boditronics fitness model Frankie Boers who gave me just the inspiration and motivation I needed to sort out my fitness; and we had a fantastic chat about healthy living and eating well to build a strong and sustainable body.
It’s three months since I became a single parent, a quarter of a year has passed already and being alone with the children is just normal to me now. I can’t imagine coming home to somebody to eat dinner, or waking up in the morning to a cuddle or breakfast in bed but I really hope that one day I will find it and that will become my norm again because I’d love nothing more. I was thrown in at the deep end and had no choice but to adjust to being alone by doing things for myself and the children so that I no longer even recognise being alone anymore, I just get on with it. I guess keeping myself busy and focusing my attention on other interests has stopped me from crying over happy families playing in the park or loved up couples walking hand in hand. And I know this is going to sound strange but I absolutely love The Walking Dead which is a gory drama about a zombie apocalypse that takes over America, and I’d watched the entire three series together with my ex; the forth series started this week and I was so excited to see it, yet it hit me that he was missing. Not him as a person, but him as a friend with a mutual interest enjoying something together; we used to sit up into the early hours of the morning eating snacks and watching back episodes, talking about the plot line and looking into going on zombie experience days and lame super-fan things like that. Now he’s not here to do that with I felt a hole in my chest once again. It’s like losing a partner, a friend, a relative and the promise of a future all at once not just a failed relationship when somebody leaves. I guess over time more and more things will continue to pop up which will remind me that what once was is no more, and it’s not a bad thing, it just takes its own time to work its way out of the system before it completely disappears from life. I watched The Walking Dead alone today and stared straight through the television screen the whole time totally zoning out and not noticing a single thing that went on; as if my excitement and dedication to watching every series beforehand had never existed, so I turned off the TV and went for a walk instead and it was so beautiful outside.
Poor Millie fell over on the way home from school earlier in the week and she cut both her knees, hands and elbow bless her. To see my little girl crying with gravel stuck in her bloodied knees absolutely broke my heart but there was nothing that I could do to take her pain away. I sat with her on the bathroom floor as she soaked her knees in the bath, splashed in the bubbles as I watched her playing, hearing her sweet little voice as we chatted and thinking how she’s grown over the years. My precious little baby is changing into a young lady before my eyes, just days before her sixth birthday. The invites have been delivered, the party food is in the fridge, her cake in the cupboard and her presents neatly wrapped. I have fairy themed cutlery, plates, cups, napkins, banners, cards and balloons that I’m so excited to put up and fill our home with sparkle and love for her special day. And it no longer matters who is or isn’t there to celebrate on her special day, because I’m here and I always will be and it’s the only thing in life that I can guarantee 100%, for as long as I have air left in my lungs I will always be there for my children and they’ll never want for anything else. I don’t have to feel bad for what they no longer have, I can’t change the past and stressing about not being a complete family won’t make us happy, so I’ve finally let it go. Why should I feel bad anymore? Why should I feel like a failure when I’ve always been there and never given up? Well I don’t anymore and I won’t ever again because I’ve tried my hardest and I’m so proud of my children and what I’ve achieved in life so nothing else matters. I’ll continue to do my best for them and not trouble myself with any more thoughts of the past.
I’m still on Toothfairy watch for Millie’s bottom wobblers and although they’re wiggling all over the place, thus far incredibly they’ve managed to stay intact thanks to her super healthy snap-back gums. I have to confess I’m getting a little nervous about my debut motherly duties of exchanging a plucked tooth for a pound coin when the time comes and she’s sleeping soundly with it nestled beneath her pillow. The whole illusion of such a magical childhood belief could come crashing to the ground in just one night if my fumbling for her tooth in the dark wakes her up, or worse still if I lose the tooth or roll her out of bed when I’m rooting around for it under the pillow. Perhaps we’ll have to set out some ground rules in advance to help the Tooth Fairy to do her duties quickly. Maybe I’ll find a little trinket box to put beside her pillow instead and explain that she’s an elderly fairy who can’t scramble under pillowcases like she used to. I may even suggest that just like Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy also enjoys a little treat and/or wine left out to help her on her rounds, oh the possibilities!
I had a lovely facial this week and it totally refreshed me, just what I needed after my skin had been feeling like an over-washed old sock and now I’m silky smooth, moisturised and firm. Ahh bliss. And although I know I’ll never be able to turn back the clock and erase the wear and tear of being an insomniac mother of two I can certainly push the pause button every once in a while.
And it seems that the internet trolls were out in force again this week when a lovely anonymous message was posted about me on a local social forum on Facebook. So although my breasts seem to have made local talk, it seems my buttocks have fallen short unfortunately – oh dear!
And my response was to thank them for their opinion and welcome them to my blog which received a fantastic boost in traffic from my strategically placed link – who says advertising costs money!? 😉 I really can’t see why people would put others down and try to make them feel bad because it’s such a low and selfish thing to do. We should celebrate life not bully others and post nasty messages online. But everybody has their opinion and I’d never expect everybody to like me all of the time, it’s just a shame that somebody has felt the need to go about criticising me in such a public way. Fortunately I can take it on the chin and it’s water off of a ducks back to me, I was bullied throughout my entire school years for being ugly so I’m pretty hardened to it now and I don’t let it affect me. You can only be yourself, you can only look how God made you and you should never try to change or apologise for being you. Love what you have, be grateful that you’re alive and healthy and treat every day as a blessing because life is far too short to let others bring you down. Calling somebody ugly won’t make you pretty, calling them dumb won’t make you smart, calling them fat won’t make you skinny and making them sad won’t make you happy.