It was the 11th of June 2011 when our heartache began and we heard the crushing news that I was losing you. Our beautiful, innocent little angel unborn, you were too precious for this world and God kept you safe in heaven. I don’t blame him for taking you anymore, I love you more than you will ever know my sweet child, but I understand now that in life some things aren’t meant to be. But we will all be together again one day. I promise, and I will hold you in my arms forever and a day and show you all of the love that I have for you; because it’s something that will never go away, you will always be a part of me.
I pray that you are watching over us, and keeping your big sister and new baby brother safe. Were you there with me at Gabriele`s birth? Was it you who kept me so calm and helped me to deliver him safely into waiting arms. The pain of losing you was almost unbearable at first, I never thought I would ever smile again with such a cold, hard weight weighing down my heart. I mourn for you still to this day, my sweet sweet child, but I know that you are safe from any pain or suffering and it brings me comfort.
I stood at the dresser in the kitchen today and held the glass angel that I got for you. I hope that you saw me and I hope that it doesn’t upset you to see me cry, because I’m smiling inside, to have been blessed with you my angel, if only for a short while, I’m truly thankful.
I wonder what you think of your new baby brother, he’s two months older than you and such a bright and cheerful little boy. His smile lights up the room and his giggles are so cheeky I can’t help but laugh every time he does. Did you meet him in heaven before he came to us? Does he already secretly know you, is it you who makes him smile when there is seemingly nothing there? Did you visit him in his dreams last night as we stood watching him laughing in his sleep? Are you playing together when the stars light up the sky?
I pray that you`re happy, that you’ll keep your big sister Millie on the right path in life because five is a funny age and she’s wise beyond her years already. And when we sit down to eat, even though there isn’t a seat with a bowl and beaker for you, you will always be there with us. You are in my heart and soul and every ounce of me aches for you as I’m writing this in tears. Its been nineteen months since you left us, and it still hurts me right now like it did on that horrible day to think of having lost you.
But time has helped me, not to forget but to accept. To understand that not everything has a black and white reason in life, and something so painful and unfair can cause so much love and kindness. Because of you and your big sister and little brother my heart will never be cold, never empty or unloved. The three of you have blessed me with motherhood and for that I am eternally grateful.
Please sleep well my sweetheart and know that I live for you and your adorable brother and sister, and should you ever feel lost please find me and hold me. Come lay beside my heart and walk with me throughout my day, be close to me and we will help each other through this together. Because that’s what mummies do, they protect their babies and there is no greater bond than love.
God bless you baby Kiss, and keep you safe and sound until that day I hold you again. You are always in my thoughts and forever in my heart my darling. X x x x x x x