So yesterday was Millie’s birthday and I think I just about got away with making her cake, which wasn’t as much of a disaster as I thought it would be. In all fairness I used a silicone sunflower shaped mould, which got stuck and completely tore in half when I plopped it onto the cooling rack, rendering my cake topless! But thankfully my mountains of icing sugar and colourful decorations cleverly concealed my one-inch-deep cake. And when I showed Millie when she got home from school to test if it was too embarrassing for her big day, my purse ready to hand to run to the shop and get another, I was genuinely surprised when she said that she loved it! 🙂
I never know if she really appreciates my efforts of if she’s somehow subconsciously trying to save from hurting my feelings; she has this lovely adult way of thinking about others and employing tact to certain situations and then other times saying it exactly how she sees it, like when she told me I have fat ears! But whatever the reason behind her saying she loved her cake, it filled me with pride and love and I’m so glad I gave it a shot.
And after a hectic day of little hands feverishly unwrapping presents, hugging/kissing/playing with four sets of grandparents, talking to friends and family on the phone, going for lunch to eat her favourite ‘sketti’ aka spaghetti bolognese and ice cream for afters, we returned home to sing happy birthday and for Millie to blow out her candles. It seems such a milestone for our baby to turn five years old and it fills me with such pride and admiration for this sweet little child who is slowly becoming a little lady before our eyes. She is everything that is beautiful about life, kind, considerate and caring. She melts my heart with a single smile and she makes every worry or sad thought melt away with every cuddle that she bestows. I am truly blessed to have her as my daughter and there is not one single day that goes by when I don’t tell her how loved she is and how much she means to me. And I pray to God that she will always be open and honest with me, no matter how tough and lonely life can be, I want her to always know that I am here for her day or night to help her through the tough times and laugh with her through the good times, like two best friends, the way mothers and daughters are born to be. She is my scrumptious little angel who first taught me what love is and I’ll never forget that.
With my 25th birthday shhhhh being six days away now I’m feeling like a mixed bag of marbles at the moment. Why is it damn birthdays always serve to make you assess your life, to look back on the past like a strict schoolteacher and pick fault and ridicule your choices, critiquing the decisions you have made and the paths you have chosen and wondering where the next five years will take you? I feel so old and yet so young at the same time. Haggard from the lack of sleep that this last year has provoked, a miscarriage, a tedious pregnancy, raising a second child, sleepless nights, hormones and arguments and now my new found obsession with the gym. Sometimes I feel like life is moving so fast I don’t know what direction I am heading, as I’m sure I’m just spinning on the spot and not actually getting anywhere. And the other times it suddenly hits me and I look back on the last six months and think wow, how did I manage to do all that!?
I guess my responsibilities make me feel old, yet on paper I still have a long way to go in life, hopefully, and in the grand scheme of things I’m still young and capable of conquering the world. I’m still going through a premature midlife crisis with my appearance. Adapting to my post-pregnancy body gradually I don’t know whether to snug up in my fluffy granny dressing gown and slippers or bust out my leopard print and stilettos! And in the bedroom I can’t help but hesitate over lights on or off!
I know that how I look is not the be all and end all in life when so many people go through the daily battle of illness and losing limbs and are so lucky to even be here with us. But I can only feel how I feel as a somewhat simple human being, and I don’t think I’ve quite found what I’m supposed to look like if that makes sense. I’m sitting on the fence still and I’m not sure which garden to jump into, sophisticated lady garden or crazy kitten pad? Do I make the most of being young still and vamp it up whilst I’ve still got it? Or do I set a mature and polite example for my evermore aware and delightfully impressionable daughter? I feel guilty if I do and guilty if I don’t because I know that Luca likes me to make an effort and I know as a mother I’d like Millie to realise that beauty comes from within. However, as you can see I went for my kitten side on Millie’s birthday, which I shall no doubt miss when I am sixty!
But one thing that really tugged at my heartstrings on Millie’s birthday was taking her to see her father. In the sense of my emotions for her, and the fact that I had her at a young age before I met Luca and raised her as a single parent for which we now have Gabriele and I am a mother of two children by two different fathers. It’s not something that I would have ever hoped for, I love my children more than anything, but I know it’s not ideal to have different dads. And I feel so incredibly guilty that there is a part of my life that will always be there from before I met Luca that nobody can change. I can’t imagine being stuck with one of Luca’s ex-girlfriends always around, although I don’t know them to make a good or bad judgment, but I think as a member of the hormonal female race it would be awkward as hell. I don’t know if I would have the confidence or understanding to accept him having a child from a previous relationship as horrible as that may sound but I’ve never been in that situation to have the tables turned. And I realise how lucky I am to have such an amazing partner who is happy to raise a child that isn’t theirs and show them just as much love and respect as if she were his own. But seeing Millie with her father I feel awful that it’s not Luca with her, and when Luca’s doing lovely things with her I feel awful that it isn’t her father.
And on Millie’s behalf I feel dreadful that when we are with Gabriele playing and cuddling that one day she might think to herself that he is more a part of us than she is, and it would break my heart and I hope it never happens. I guess birthdays are a constant reminder of the people around us in life and those we hold dear. And on reflection I carry a lot of guilt on my shoulders for having what feels like a broken family; children with different last names and forever having to divide birthdays, Christmas and holidays between different sets of families. I have no idea where all of this has suddenly come from and I feel like a bit of a soppy idiot at the moment as I sit here in my dressing gown with a sad puppy look on my face. I blame my silly roller coaster thoughts on my glorious period and I’m reveling in the thought right now of going through the menopause one day silver-haired and giving mother nature a long-awaited two-finger salute, just you wait lady, one day I’ll have control of Team Hormone and it will be full speed ahead power-boating into the sunset, cocktail in hand! Bitch!
I feel as though I’m having a very worthwhile therapy session here tonight, just chucking my thoughts right out there like tasty morsels of maggots to the shoal of anonymous online readers, as I drift around intoxicated on cheap Aldi wine in my little rowing boat also known as a Macbook, sailing the winding river that I like to call life.
I stopped in Tesco for some tampons yesterday after I was unexpectedly caught out by my period, and muttering several obscenities to myself under my breath about the joys of being a woman I suddenly found myself in the children’s aisle of toys and adorable clothes and my face lit up immediately. I grinned like a cheeky Cheshire cat as I chose a few Barbie accessories for Millie and a scrumptious little Tigger baby grow for Gabriele. And a shopping trip for lady loafers very pleasantly resulted in this: Ammunition for Gabriele’s future girlfriend coming to dinner! 🙂
I also got him a penguin baby grow complete with a beak hat and it’s so adorable it makes my heart squeak. I don’t think I could ever tire from dressing up the children in funny little outfits. And if Luca soberly refuses to dress up as a fireman in the naughty outfit I got him on a random shopping trip one day, then my children can be puddings and fairies for the next ten years instead!
I’m gradually approaching the end of my Fifty Shades Of Grey gym-fuelling naughty reading material and I have to say I’ve really enjoyed it. Partially in a pervy kind of way, and partially because I love to read and have missed having time out to sit and lose myself in the pages of a good book; in all fairness I’ve never read such smut but I can’t help laughing to myself as I’m working up a sweat at the gym reading about bondage and foreplay! I feel as though I’ve really connected with the characters and should anyone vaguely compare to the likeness of Christian Grey I fear I may absentmindedly stalk/follow them around as if I know them! I can see how actors must get tormented to hell and back by members of the public thinking the characters they play are real and asking them about their fictional family. So I think I’ll stay away from any Christian-Grey-looking-men for fear that I may ask their opinion on bondage accessories or lack of male emotion!
And when I came home from the gym to a fairly relieved Luca knowing that the mother ship has returned to release him from his parental duties, what do I find? A sleeping little Gabriele, tricked into slumber with a clever selection of baby blankies and a snuggle bunny. And it was one of those throw your head back and laugh moments as I could almost taste the sheer desperation in the air for Luca willing Gabriele to stay silent and asleep until I returned home from my almost-daily hour at the gym. How I love my boys!
And tomorrow is weigh-in day so I’d best get an early night in preparation for my battle with the scales in the morning. Perhaps if I dream about working out my mind may deceive my metabolism into shedding a few pounds overnight. Cross trainer thoughts Trace, Fifty Shades Of Grey and Luca as a firefighter! 🙂 Nighty night! x