This week has been so great I’m actually grinning like a dingbat right now. Life just feels so perfect, we’ve never been so content as a family and I’m filled with excitement and love and happiness in such a softy way that I’m in danger of having little fluffy lambs skip past me and butterflies land on my nose. And what has put me in such a good mood I hear you ask? Well, everything, life is just that sweet!
I’m excited to finally be having my eyesight corrected with laser eye surgery after years of squinting in just a handful of weeks time, I’m esctatic that the snow and ice has melted and the world has renewed itself overnight; I love seeing green grass everywhere, the fresh and promising shoots of new life and a new year to start from scratch and reach for the stars. Tomorrow is here and it was well worth the cold, dark wait of winter. I’ve cleaned four bags of recycling from my kitchen cupboards this week, broken blenders, plastic tubs without lids and tins of food that have gone out of date sometime in the last century and it feels A-mazing! It’s been a tangible way of cleansing my mind, wiping the counter-top of my thoughts and bleaching out my connectors. How sad, yet exhilarating it is the day that you enjoy spring-cleaning your kitchen!
Yesterday Luca and I had a day out by ourselves and it was beyond words, just being together to do whatever we pleased felt like such freedom. Don’t get me wrong I would never see our children as inprisonment and given half a chance I would prefer to have them bouncing on my knee rather than a night out; but having time for just Luca and I makes everything fall into place because we can be a couple again instead of always darting in different directions and picking up echothers slack.
Yesterday we ventured into town to do the weekly shop without the children, and feeling incredibly guilty for being out without them, Luca showed strangers pictures of the children on his phone and we greeted every baby that we met. We feel as though our right arms had been cut off when we’re not with the children, but can see now that we need these little pockets of space and time out to just be together and walk through life as a couple again and it’s made such a difference to our relationship. We looked around the shops, bought a game to play, had lunch at a little table, actually face to face including conversation and both eating at the same time; no smelly nappies, no snot and dribble or taking turns to watch the children whilst the other eats. Time may as well have stood still for us and let us get off of the rollercoaster that is life at the mercy of a sandwich or two and it was bloody fantastic.
And after, we bought the children some clothes and I treated myself to some perfume and cosmetics. We chose a beautiful chalkboard for the kitchen and bumped into a friend and spoke about our children, surprise surprise! And she inspired me to write an update to my blog about the miscarriage we had last year. As the day ticked by and we’d finished shopping we returned to the carpark to find a £50.00 parking fine on the windscreen and I felt sick. I had a ticket displayed in the car for which we had returned twenty minutes early so as not to overrun on time. So we took pictures of it on the car with the ticket for the date and time stamp before running around the entire capark like the terminator in search of the ticket inspector. And when we finally spotted him in his bright blue and yellow jacket and printing machine I did all that I could to restrain myself from making labels print from his backside. I’ve only had three parking fines in my life and I hold my hands up, I was at fault, I hadn’t returned in time and I’d parked slightly onto a double yellow before or gone through a bus lane (unknowingly when the road was changed and the council refunded the fine months later after I’d paid it), but this time I wasn’t at fault, I had been issued a ticket and was ready for war. My experience of ticket inspectors has never been a joyful one, firsty because the fines are ridiculous to allow a £1.00 ticket to be replaced with a £90.00 fine reduced to £50.00 if you pay early, and secondly because of their vulture-like behaviour looming over cars waiting for the final seconds to tick by so that they can stamp you with a fine when you’re struggling with long, slow queues in shops, bags and pushchairs to race back in time to the car.
But it seems divine intervention was on our side as the ticket inspector was polite, said sorry, and advised us to put our ticket with the document in the envelope enclosed and post it off and they will confirm the fine has been removed. What!? No “I’m only doing my job” “too late it’s already written now” “take that up with the complaints team but you’ll have to pay the full fee when your dispute is rejected!” He actually said sorry!? And advised they can check the CCTV to see me getting the ticket from the machine and check it against the reference number printed down the side, and if we had any problems we can come back and see him during working hours and he’ll make sure it’s removed. I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears! How the heck!? And Luca huffed that we’d have to write a letter when we got home and fill out the paperwork with it looming over us until it was sent off; so I pulled my notebook, pen and a book of stamps out of my bag, jotted a quick note by way of explanation and posted it in the letter box next to us. And then we went to dinner! Together. 🙂
And we sat at our table eating a Sunday roast watching the world go by. And I have never felt so happy, for the simplest things in life that is time. The time to be together, to enjoy eachothers company, to feel loved. I cannot recommend it more. I’ve spent the past five and a half years since becoming a mother doing everything for my children and putting myself and my relationship last, but I realise now it’s not about preference of importance and need, it’s about spending precious time with everyone that’s special to you. Yesterday that meant having one day with my fiancé. Today it was walking hand in hand with Millie to school on Luca’s day off whilst he stayed at home with Gabriele instead of me pushing the stroller and Millie walking ahead. And right now it’s about me cuddling Gabriele and feeding him his Weetabix whilst he giggles and sneezes his food over my arm. Having that little bit of alone time with each other is certainly quality over quantity and it feels so good. There’s only one of me and I’ve always tried to be so much to so many when in actual fact all I was doing was diluting my attention to everyone. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but separating a family and having little pockets of quality time as a mother and child or a mother and father is so necessary! And after we had our little day out we were stronger than ever and ready to face the world.
We collected the children in the late afternoon, fed, changed and kissed them to bed; unpacked the food shopping, hung our new chalk board in the kitchen and I wrote an update to my miscarriage blog and cried my eyes out. I realised that my emotions were still so strong for the baby that we lost nineteen months ago, but now we have our beautiful baby Gabriele and life has found its balance again somehow. Putting into words how I feel, letting the tears fall and my heart swell, it’s almost like therapy to acknowledge, accept and understand the mourning process of losing a child. Luca looked up in horror at me as he nibbled his bowl of doritos after putting the new Xbox game on for us to play, and I was sobbing and sniffling on the sofa into my PDA typing my blog. The poor guy has just handled my period this week and now I throw a curve ball of grief his way too bless him; but I wrote my final goodbye to our baby in heaven, picked up my bowl of doritos, nestled up next to my Luca and we played a retro computer game from our childhood together until the early hours of the morning and it was lovely.
I walked Millie to school this morning whilst Luca spent his morning off in bed with Gabriele and it’s been the first time in forever since I had a moment to be alone with Millie and have a little chit-chat without Gabriele demanding my attention or the dinner burning and the dog barking over us. I’ve been struggling with Millie recently and I’ve felt lost over what to do to save her behaviour. She’s always been our little star, beautifully behaved, polite, kind, helpful and thoughtful; but over the last few months she’s been telling little white lies daily, over having brushed her teeth, washing her hands, finishing her food or putting her dirty clothes in the wash bin. It seems she is trying to hide everything from me these days, she’s throwing her dinner to the dog and ditching her lunch at school, she’s damaging things around the house and breaking toys. And despite me always telling her that no matter what she’d done, no matter how bad it is, just be open and honest about it and tell the truth and I won’t be mad, suddenly after five years every word that comes out of her mouth is now a lie and I can’t fathom why? It can be something trivial such as asking her if she’s brushed her teeth before bed and her answering yes when her face panics and says otherwise, or finding that she’s scratched ridges into the dining table with a pin and then denies doing it, or says that it was a long time ago so it doesn’t matter.
I feel as though I’m banging my head against a brick wall with her because she’s always been so open and honest but now she’s become so guarded and untruthful for no apparent reason. I thought maybe it was down to jealousy from Gabriele coming into the family but he’s almost nine months old now and surely it would have shown from day one and not taken so long to surface any feelings of being pushed out.
I’ve even thought it may be down to starting school and testing the rules and limits of adults. I asked her what happens if she’s naughty at school and she said she has to sit on a chair and miss out on golden time. When I asked her how she would be punished if she were naughty at home she realised that we don’t punish her, because she’s never needed punishing before, ever. But this week we’ve been issuing idle threats over removing toys and taking away her favourite television program time of the Simpsons, but it didn’t seem to bother her at all, and as a result we didn’t do it.
It wasn’t until we had time this morning to actually sit down alone together and talk that I realised where I’d been going wrong, so badly wrong. I asked Millie what it meant to tell the truth and she said “You’ll be punished if you lie” and although we don’t punish her, I agreed that it was bad to lie and you have to face consequences for your deliberate actions, but that wasn’t explaining what telling the truth meant. In fact she didn’t understand the meaning of truth or lies at all, so how could I expect her to tell me the truth if she didn’t know what it was? All of this frustrating time she’d promised me she would be a good girl and not tell lies, but I may as well have been speaking gobbledygook to her the poor thing.
So now I am thinking of ways to explain to her the meaning of truth and lies, consequences and actions and good and bad. I think some kind of story or symbolic aide will her her to understand and hopefully we can hit the nail on the head over this insane behaviour.
Gabriele is growing so fast now it seems every morning he has a new super power! He can stand by himself now like a little meerkat for up to ten seconds at a time before slowly lowering down into a squat and then crawling off across the room at the speed of light. His hair is gradually getting thicker and longer and when he sleeps it fluffs up like a baby chick, and his vocals are unmistakably always in practice. He can say “boom boom” “mum” “mumma” “mum mum” “qua” “gwah” “ma” “gwee” and “blah” and his little voice is adorable with his raised eyebrows and shouty facial expressions when he serenades us all.
Although he is dribbling for Great Britain at the moment and has a snotty nose and sneezing, he’s somehow managed to sleep a little better at night this week. We have a bowl of Vicks in the room to help him breathe and although he still gets angry and upset at nighttime, thankfully once he’s asleep he’s not been as restless as usual. Maybe it’s because he’s feeling unwell and needs to rest or possibly having another growth spurt, but either way we hope that this may be the change we’ve been waiting for since he was born.
So other than having my period this week and feeling washed out, and then eating out with Luca like back in the day when we were first dating, I’ve had a bit of a wobbly week. I’ve managed four hours of cardio as usual with a smattering of situps and weights, followed by an over-indulgent and slobbish weekend, but it’s been great! I’ve had a Christmas pudding with double cream because it was going out of date, family sized bags of doritos, seven Cadburys cream eggs, bread like it’s going out of fashion and a hearty roast dinner at the restaurant last night.
But I did manage a nice bathroom drop-off a moment ago and so far I’ve eaten healthily this morning, so stepping on the scales I’m now wondering if the batteries have run out or the software is glitching on my WiiFit as my weight comes out unchanged AGAIN this week. But what a treat that is for my self-confidence and ego and I’m in no hurry to fix the fault if it is indeed technology related, you’ve awarded your sore for this week so you can’t backtrack now scales. Although it possibly doesn’t make for exciting reading to report another nil points, so I shall take this opportunity to express my annoyance at having a rather crappy square shaped pair of buttocks that do my sideways profile absolutely no favours at all. I would love a pert and peachy bottom and my mind is now on overdrive concocting ideas to round off my rump! A little bashing into shape with a rolling pin perhaps? Watching Eastenders whilst sitting in a round bowl? Or strapping chicken fillets into my french knickers! The possibilities are endless.
Well, what an essay this week has turned out to be, and I’d like to thank you for reading all of that because that is most definitely blog commitment you have there and if I see you you’ll get a great big hug for that. I love hearing your thoughts and feelings, sharing with you my experiences and special moments and I would love for you to leave me a little comment on this post and tell me what you’re now thinking. x x x Until next week my chickadees, keep smiling! x x x