So now I am 30 weeks and 2 days, I’m coming ever closer to the birth!
My antenatal class the other day was interesting, it made me a little uneasy to see all the happy couples cooing over each other, answering all of the teachers questions like some kind of pop quiz, and in the tea-break asking how reassuring their partners were only highlighted the fact I was alone. I watched longingly at the couples around me giving back-rubs and touching the baby bumps smiling knowingly when they both felt a kick whilst I waited patiently by myself for the class to resume feeling a little lost to be honest. I didn’t know half the things that the other women already spoke fluently about regarding birth and labour. I felt incredibly young and venerable and a little upset, as if it were the baby’s first ever parents evening at school with only one parent there for support that knows nothing about what the child has been learning in class. It seemed to be a sad omen of things to come. Parents are supposed to be there to love and protect their children and I’ll always have to make excuses for me being there alone. I didn’t want it to be like this, I guess it was my first dose of reality, I really wanted to be equal with the other couples as parents, showing I could be there and do just as well a job as a first time mum only I couldn’t. My midwife booked me into a young parent class for next week, which was sweet of her, but I don’t think I have the confidence or the energy to go. I don’t want people to drop their smiles around me when they realise I’m on my own, or to tell me how sorry they are. Being a new mum is supposed to be such a happy and exciting time, my husband should be beside me beaming with pride and putting up curtains in the nursery whilst I cook the Sunday roast. Where in life did I go wrong to bring my first child into this?
Thinking about labour makes me panic, and learning about it will only make me feel worse. I guess it will just have to be a surprise on the day; either that or I’ll have nightmares every night until then. It’s hard not to have somebody to turn to when I’m feeling vulnerable, but the thoughts that torment me are sometimes best left where they are and a brave face is a lot easier forced than explaining the fear and hurt of a broken heart. Suddenly at nineteen it seems like a very lonely place to be, I miss being a teenager free of responsibility and don’t know how to be a parent to somebody I’ve never met. I hope it’s true what that say that motherhood comes naturally, I’ve never really had much of a relationship with other children, and they normally just annoy me or get in the way or speak in silly voices and break things. How will I ever cope with that?
On a brighter note I had a photo shoot yesterday as a sweet reminder of this time. It’s a little strange to see my body still, as I’ve now put on two and a half stone in weight. Just looking at the pictures the other day it didn’t seem like me, it’s like looking in a mirror and expecting to see yourself, only instead there’s a similar looking stranger smiling back at you like something out of Quantum Leap. I love the pictures and will put them into Millie’s baby album to show her when she’s bigger, the entire set will be on my website shortly with a bit of luck, and for now here is a snap of my favourite.
Well I’m off to bed now to have a nice rest, I’ve had a few nasty cramps recently and a backache that is threatening to snap my spine in half. Until next time my lovelies. xxxx
Kisses and hugs from Tracy & Millie. xxx