Today I am finding things a little difficult as I come to realise that I’m not as fully capable of doing the things I could before being pregnant. I feel clumsy and a little swollen like I’ve had too much dinner and it’s that uncomfortable stage just before your food goes down. Tiredness is taking its toll as I am working twenty four seven to prepare and make sure I’ve got enough savings to pay for everything I need and my time off of work. And I feel like I could do with a good workout and detox.
I am tomorrow five and a half months pregnant and my body is changing shape vastly to me I feel like I’m double the size I used to be and it’s terrifying! Can I please just stop getting any bigger!? Surely a baby doesn’t need to be that big? I actually think I secretly have a young child inside me doing their homework.
Part of being in control of my life in the past was the knowledge that I held the key to how I look and what I wear. If my hair was looking dull Id simply dye it sometimes a couple of times a week, if my eyes weren’t bright enough I’d wear coloured contact lenses to give myself a little sparkle, and if I felt I was carrying too much excess weight Id watch what I eat a little closer and up my work out or go for a few more long walks after eating.
But now that I am living for two my viewpoint has changed completely and it’s such a shock. Now I feel that it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t straighten my hair twice a day, or if I walk out of my house in my jogging bottoms and trainers instead of a thought out strict outfit and accessories, I feel more relaxed and at ease with what I wear. My opinion has shifted to being naturally happy and beautiful within, which is always something I’ve felt strongly about but didn’t feel that I was a very naturally confident person. I’ve realised it is the person who you are that makes you attractive to others, and how you treat your fellow brothers and sisters as to how you are judged. As good as it makes me feel to wear make-up and dress nicely, I am slowly coming to realise that there are things that I don’t need. And that’s all the time-consuming beauty routines that would trap me within four walls for hours on end before I could leave my house in the morning. I feel more naturally comfortable and attractive. My natural nails are growing nicely as I have taken off my extensions. My hair is thick and glossy and I will no longer bleach it, and my skin is feeling gorgeous without having to dry it out with sun beds or smell of fake tan.
But the only issue I have to come to terms with is the shape of my body. I have never allowed myself to take a step back in life. Once I had achieved a slim figure it was something I worked hard to maintain which in turn allowed my confidence to flourish. And to gradually break away from that tight hold I once had is very alien to me at the moment. There has never been one second since I was told that I am pregnant that I would even question eating extra food. I would never deprive an unborn baby of the nutrients it needs, regardless of what it does to my body. But inside I feel like I am grieving for the figure I have worked so hard to achieve if that makes sense? I am gradually losing my control when I don’t feel totally willing to let go just yet.
I never thought I would understand the size zero debate that is so present in the news to this day. To punish your body through starvation to affect your health and risk your life in search for the ultimate slim figure seems inexplicable. But in my mind this feeling I am having is fear of size ten. Through modelling I have been stripped bare of all humane decencies and made to feel guilty for putting on an extra pound in weight through peer pressure. I don’t know if it is my hormones causing such a feeling, or whether it is the mental conditioning I have endured over this past years in such a dog-eat-dog industry but the thought of involuntarily becoming larger is somewhat scary I have to admit.
This is however not something that will deter me from eating everything that I must and making sure my baby is in perfect health. Maybe it’s time to slow down on the treats a little and stick to my veggies and vitamins. I’m sure in three months time I will look back to this very day and laugh at how easy I now have it. xx