I’m 32 weeks and 2 days and I’ve had a bit of a strange week.
As was the case before I found out I was pregnant, the doctors told me I had a hormone imbalance in the form of an overactive pro-lactin gland in my brain whereby my body believed I had given birth to a baby and was adapting accordingly to suit its needs. Shortly after, I discovered I was pregnant, which pointed most likely to the fact that I didn’t have a brain tumour and it was all a result of the pregnancy.
Following on from this I was submitted for an MRI and sensory testing which I was able to partially complete and the rest of it will be done after I give birth to give a true reading of my hormone levels.
Eerily enough I have now begun to produce breast milk and am some two months off of my due date, which leads me to believe it is the pro-lactin that is causing this and that would mean the brain problems still have to be dealt with.
It was such a strange moment when I woke up the other day and noticed I had leaked milk. I was kind of numb with the thought of it, in a way I was overjoyed to know that I would be able to breastfeed the baby despite having had breast surgery and a health scare the other month with the crash, but at the same time it saddened me to think of the reason why I would produce milk so soon from my premature hormones.
I am also unsure if this means the baby’s arrival will be sooner than expected as I now have milk, or because I will have to wait a few months to breast feed if she comes on her due date maybe I will have dried up by then and will have to go straight to bottle feeds.
All in all it’s a pretty unnerving time and I’m waiting for answers from health professionals. It seems I’ve been given more and more to worry about recently and I can’t help but add it to the black cloud that already looms over me with the father situation. All I want to do is what is best for the baby but it seems despite my best efforts it is always thrown back at me.
On Saturday we tried again to meet and talk about our daughter, and this time for some reason I thought we’d actually do it, God knows why! There are only so many bridges you can burn and it’s been a bit of a forest fire recently. Too many good people in this world go out of their way to help others only to be used and forgotten about by those they try so hard to help.
My mind was a little unsettled after thinking about custody and visitation rights etc. I feel saddened knowing somebody could take away something so precious from me for half of Millie’s life. In a bit of a selfish way it would be nice if after all of the commotion of the birth and everything quietens down for her father to realise she’s best off living with me so I can have her all to myself at night and we can cuddle up like little bears. In reality when everyone is patting you on the back showing their congratulations it can be easy to overlook the difficult hours that have preceded and to think the future will be peachy, when in actual fact after all is said and done it’s an uphill struggle you’re left to face alone in a place you’ve never visited before. I really hope he’ll be there for her though, and to be considerate to her needs, and to be as proud of her as I already am.
I’m still having awful backache and my spine has started making nasty clicking noises sometimes when I stand which makes me extremely squeamish.
I’ve also had a few noises from my stomach which I can only describe as the sound of somebody cracking their knuckles in a kind of ‘popping’ noise.
My bump is growing increasingly hard and a little more tender when my puppy tries to give me a cuddle and rests his chin on my belly only to be kicked so hard by Millie he jumps off the sofa and hides in his basket the poor thing.
Millie is responding more to noise and light now, when people bend down to talk to Millie and put their hand on my bump for a feel she wriggles about and tries to hit my bellybutton like some crazy target practice.
I keep seeing loads of adverts on TV with babies in them, for nappies and toys and little cute things and it makes me smile to think I’ll have her in my arms soon, it’s funny how I never noticed there are babies everywhere before I was pregnant.
Also my birthday is approaching and not only will I have my lovely daughter, but I’ll also have my body back which will make my life a million times more comfortable, although I’m sure after a few months of sleepless nights I’ll probably wish I was still pregnant. But the thought of being able to exercise, or go shopping or drive and feel comfortable whilst wearing a seatbelt would be bliss.
I did a funny thing today that made me smile. When I was brushing my teeth and stood in the mirror I had one hand on my bump and one hand on my toothbrush and she started to wriggle about. I thought to myself ‘Aww that’s my daughter’ and the word daughter suddenly sounded kind of strange. I found myself saying it over and over again in the mirror and it only sounded stranger, like when you’re trying to spell something and you write it down and for some reason it doesn’t look quite right. “Daughter. Doooooor-Ter!” I didn’t envisage using such a word so soon in my life. But it was kind of special and cool and new. I like it.