Gestation: 23weeks & 5days

Well today I feel so disappointed in humanity that I just need to let my thoughts out, so if you’re not feeling particularly excited about hearing my hormonal mumblings then please skip past this update and wait for the next one which will no doubt be a lot sweeter and accept my apologies in advance.

I’m trying to comprehend becoming a lone parent, and I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster of emotions. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m scared out of my wits. I want so badly for everything to be all right and I find myself reassuring people around me that I’m fine when I’m actually screaming inside for help.

I’ve always been an independent person and I know at times I take on more than I should, but it has made me who I am today, and I think without determination and the ability to work hard and set yourself goals you won’t amount to much in life. But regardless of what you want out of life, or what hopes and dreams you have for the future, I can’t understand how somebody could not want their own child without ever having met them. I could accept it if it was only concerning me, but the fact that Millie is just an innocent little life, I just can’t believe it. This little life is a part of us both, she is going to look like us, or a mixture of us both, and she will have similar mannerisms, characteristics, and temperament. She’s just a child, an innocent little life; that is being deprived of a father before she is even born. The tears I’ve shed over this have been more than in my lifetime so far and I’m guessing there’ll be plenty more before my time is through. My heart goes out to all of the couples who cannot conceive and want so desperately to have a child of their own, or to soldier’s who have lost their lives for us and left behind a wife and children they will never get to see grow up. And then there are those in life who simply walk away from their children, for no reason whatsoever, having such an impact on a child for the rest of their life. It is so incredibly selfish and upsetting, I wish I could take away all of the pain of it now so that Millie never has to experience it. A baby is a blessing; a gift from God, a piece of your own soul and Millie will always know how loved and special she is.

I used to sympathise with fathers who didn’t want children, as mothers have a stronger connection after carrying the baby, and men aren’t as emotionally in touch with their feelings, or they don’t mature as fast as women. Men are probably happy about it but need time. And that’s exactly what I thought until now. The mention of an abortion makes my blood boil, not allowing someone the right to carry your child makes me physically sick. There is no relationship, this is parenthood and the two can exist in their own right without any overlap. Who needs men? Certainly not me!

I had hoped a father would come to realise what he has been blessed with. But now I will no longer try. I won’t hold any man’s hand, or cry alone at night. Anyone can become a father but it takes a real man to be a Dad.

I am happy to deal with this alone, facing all the questions and accusations of being a young single parent from others. From now on the only person I need is my baby, and I will be all that she ever needs in return. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I’m going to fight all the way to give Millie everything she deserves.

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Tracy Kiss

Pure Elite Tattooed Muscle Pro, Personal Trainer, Blogger/Journalist, TV personality, Vegan & Mother

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